He couldn’t believe how many texts she had sent in one week. As he looked through his phone bill, he noticed most of them went to a number he hadn’t seen before. When he asked his daughter about it, she said it was just a person on her basketball team. Eventually, she gave him her phone to make sure the texts were safe. He scrolled through, and most of the conversation was fine. But then he saw it—an exchange about how much she hated her dad. As she entered the teen years, their relationship had gotten difficult. He knew that, but she “hated” him? Confused and sad, he thought about all of the support he’d given her, all the games he’d shown up for, gifts he’d given her, including the phone she was using to trash him. “How did we get here?” he thought.
Sound familiar? Have you thought, “Help! My teenager hates me! It wasn’t supposed to be this way. What should I do?” Well, if you’re struggling with your teen, you’re not alone. Many fathers are dealing with the same problem, and there’s plenty of hope. Here are some things to remember and do if your teen hates you.
1. This can be normal.
Remember, teens are individuating. They are developing their identities apart from you. It’s natural for them to push back on you and the world you’ve created. Sometimes they say they hate you but really don’t mean it. It might be the lack of freedom and ability to choose that they actually hate.
2. Evaluate your boundaries.
Is it time to remove some boundaries? Perhaps it’s time to change how you’re enforcing them? Teens are unable to fully determine cause and effect. Thinking through consequences is difficult, so they tend to be impulsive. Surely, they need boundaries. But they also need to be given opportunities to explore and earn trust. Look for places where boundaries can be pulled back. Make sure you have good reasons for your boundaries and explain them to your teen well.
3. Give him or her some space.
Back off a bit. They will roll their eyes, huff, and be annoyed. You need to choose your battles, and if they are hating you, then nitpicking small signs of a bad attitude will be more detrimental than helpful. Let them feel and process without judgment or lecture. Give them the ability to work through their emotions, even when they’re mad at you. Even adults typically want some time alone when they’re upset. Respect them by giving them space.
4. Listen and empathize.
Teenagers want to know that they have value and a voice. Give that to them. Try to view the world from their perspective. They are still relatively new to this planet, their body chemistry is changing, they don’t know who they are, they’re constantly fed information on social media telling them they’re not enough, and they’re overloaded with schoolwork and expectations. It’s overwhelming. They need someone willing to listen to them. Just listen. Don’t try to make it better. Just be with them.
5. Evaluate your own behavior.
Before getting mad at your teen, take a moment (or more) to evaluate your own behavior. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Have you exasperated your kids? Have you violated their trust and confidence in any way? Have you been harsh, inconsistent, overbearing, or presumptuous? Apologizing for these and changing your ways can go a long way in restoring your relationship.
Sound off: What would you say to a dad if he said “Help! My teenager hates me!”
Huddle up with your teen and ask, “If you could change our relationship in any way, what would you do?”