A friend of mine had kids who were constantly fighting. After years of it, he was finally fed up when his kids, who were now teenagers, were at it again. He said, “I’m so sick of all of this fighting!” Then he turned and punched the wall, and his fist went right through it. The creation of the hole was not intended, but he ended up leaving it there for an entire year to remind his kids of their constant bickering and what it does.
Listening to fighting kids is quite possibly the most annoying aspect of parenting. It rivals fingernails on a chalkboard. To protect your sanity and your own temper, you need a plan for dealing with it. Here are 10 strategies to employ when your children are fighting.
1. Let them work it out.
Sometimes, it’s best just to stay out of it. They are in the middle of learning how to deal with and settle disputes. Staying out of it helps them do that. However, if someone is being hurt or endangered, then you have to intervene. Otherwise, letting them go is a good idea.
2. Set the example.
Do you fight with your kid’s mom in front of your children? If so, what type of example are you setting for how you work through conflict? Watch your words and demeanor carefully. You can have conflict in a respectful way, by using the right words and the right tone. Above all, your kids need to see or be told that you and their mom have reconciled after a fight. Conflict is an opportunity to show your kids what reconciliation looks like.
3. Remove the source.
If you have more than one child, you are aware that they will argue over anything. Seriously, anything. The remote control being one of them. Your son wants Netflix and your daughter wants Disney. The tussle begins. In these cases, simply remove the source of the fight. It sends a message. If they fight over it, it’s gone. Next time, they need to figure out a way to share.
4. Reward good behavior.
Rewarding good behavior helps decrease poor behavior. “If you guys behave and play quietly, I will take you for ice cream.” Carrot dangling. It can be tremendously effective.
5. Treat everyone equally.
Do not play favorites. It will make things far worse. Wield your judgment with a fair and just gavel. Split them up. Send them both to their rooms. Whatever the sentence may be. Equality for all.
6. Watch your temper.
Watch yourself. Count to 10 if you need to. Walk outside. Scream into a pillow. Just avoid blowing up at the little ones, or putting a hole in a wall. For one thing, it will scare them and possibly make them fear you, and not in a good way. Also, it could make them do it more often. You are acknowledging their bad behavior with a major reaction. Despite the fact that you are screaming at them, they still got your attention, and now they know how to get it.
7. Praise them for what they did right.
Praise is powerful and healing. If the kids fought and then found a solution on their own, step in with plenty of adulation, but only after the dust has settled. There could be another flare on the way. When you are positive the fire is out, then lavish praise on the maturity shown in solving the dispute. The next argument might be shorter in duration before it’s negotiated.
8. Use humor to de-escalate.
Humor lightens moods and turns screams into laughs. So use it. Interject with a funny story about yourself getting in trouble as a kid. Explain in hilarious detail how embarrassed you were by how you acted. Kids love it when you make fun of yourself. It works every time.
9. Set boundaries.
Children need boundaries. Set them in advance, and remind them often what lines not to cross. Imagine you are installing a boxing ring around them and tying on the gloves. You know they are going to fight, so make it safe and fair to the participants. When somebody breaks the rules, such as by hitting, then you know it’s time to ring the bell and penalize.
10. Discipline
You tried everything, and nothing worked. Time to dig into the discipline bag and deal out a healthy dose of consequences. It may be a timeout, taking away favorite toys, not allowing them to watch their favorite show, or grounding. Just make sure the punishment fits the crime. Then, by any means necessary, stick to it.
Sound off: How do you handle fighting kids?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Why is it important to work out disagreements?”