“Stop it!” I shouted. My son did not want to go to church and was in the middle of an absolute meltdown. I was frustrated, and all I wanted to do was shut him down. I felt completely out of control. Not surprisingly, my response didn’t help. The crying intensified and his screams got louder. It took me too long to realize that as my frustration escalated, so did his emotions.
Have you made the same mistake? I wish I could say this was the only time I let my frustration get the better of me when my kids were losing it. Over the years, I learned the best ways to respond during meltdowns and tantrum throwing. Certain responses helped calm my kids down and resolve the issues quickly. Here are the 5 best things to say when your kid is melting down.
1. “Take a breath.”
This gives them (and you) a chance to pause. Our kids’ emotions take over and tend to have lives of their own. When they start focusing on their breathing, it redirects their attention. Get down on their level and breathe with them. When they’ve calmed down, you can ask them why they are upset.
2. “Listen to my voice.”
In moments like this, their emotions run so intense it’s difficult for them to hear you. Instead of yelling, let your voice be a guide toward peace. Meltdowns are generally the result of fear, anxiety, exhaustion, or feeling overwhelmed, potentially all at the same time. Your voice should soothe in these situations. Like Proverbs 15 says, “A gentle tongue is a tree of life.”
3. “You’re OK. You’re safe.”
This is helpful if the meltdown is driven by fear or anxiety. You’re a safe place, a protector, and fortress. Reminding them that you are there lets them know they’re safe. If it’s driven by being exhausted and overwhelmed, these words offer comfort and reassurance. Another possible version of this would be “I’m here.”
4. “Do you need to get yourself together?”
Sometimes they just need a minute to self soothe. Give them time in their room to collect themselves. It helps them build the skills necessary to regulate themselves. Another version of this could be “I’ll be right back.”
5. Just hum a single note or sing.
Singing a song or even humming a single note is a great way to de-escalate the situation. It’s another calming effect. Again, when they quiet down, you can talk about why they are so upset.
Bonus: Nothing. Just hold them.
Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Just hold your child until your breathing synchronizes. Being a tender presence is the most helpful approach in these situations.
Sound off: How do you respond to tantrum throwing and melt downs? What are some other good practices?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What helps calm you down when you’re upset?”