5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before Getting Married

When we got married, we were pretty young. We had just graduated college and were starting our careers. We were wide-eyed and full of excitement about the future. And we were in love! This marriage thing was sure to be a joy-filled ride from start to finish. But of course, it didn’t quite go that way. Marriage has been hard. Don’t get me wrong—we’ve had a wonderful 25 years together. But there have been some really challenging seasons. There’ve even been a few when I wondered if we were going to make it through.

Every marriage is different, of course, which is what makes blogs like these or the plethora of marriage books so fraught. There’s no one way to make every marriage better. But there is wisdom. There are things to know before getting married that, generally speaking, are also helpful when you’re already building a life with your wife. Here are 5 things I wish someone had told me before getting married.

1. “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

One of the challenges when you are married is that lots of other people are also married. And of course, we almost always learn by mimicking what we’ve seen. In marriage, that often happens with our parents’ relationship, but it also happens with peers. But of course, your relationship cannot be like someone else’s. Because you are you and your wife is your wife. Therefore all comparison will be unhelpful and unfair. And, as Teddy Roosevelt says in the quote above, this comparison actually steals your joy because it causes you to focus on what your relationship lacks rather than what is has. One of the things to know before getting married is that happiness comes as you learn to love the wife you have. Or, as Socrates said, “He who is not contented with what he has will not be contented with what he would like to have.”

2. If you stop growing, so does the marriage.

It’s been really easy throughout my marriage to identify things I wish would change in my wife and get frustrated when they don’t. However, at some point, I realized that I have no control over whether she changes but a lot of control over whether I change. When I shifted from expecting her to change and instead focused on places where I needed to grow, it never failed to spur growth in our relationship. Why is that? I think we vastly underestimate the level to which we contribute to systems we don’t like. And while there are certainly situations where the blame all lies on one person, it’s far more common that both of you are contributing to whatever is causing your marriage to stall out.

3. Keep learning about your wife after you marry her.

People change over time. You change. Your wife changes (even if she doesn’t change in the ways you’d like). That’s an obvious statement. However, I functioned for a long time like I totally knew my wife, so I could move onto other things. I didn’t have to be curious or engage her with questions about what she was hoping for or excited about. I knew all of that already. Or did I? After hitting a season where we both realized we had ended up on pretty different pages about some things, I realized I needed to recommit to getting to know my wife on a regular basis. I had to ask questions and not make assumptions, to be curious and not disinterested. Consequently, not only did I better understand my wife, but she also grew more interesting and attractive to me.

4. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

Do you get easily offended? I do… or at least, I did. Early in our marriage, I really struggled receiving criticism from my wife. I took it personally. I got offended. Why can’t she overlook things? Why does she have to be so critical? However, it turns out, she was just used to being very straightforward. Whereas I came from a family that couldn’t handle conflict, not even a little. It took years for me to realize that a big part of the problem was that I took myself way too seriously. When I learned that, and began to slowly become comfortable with laughing at myself, it made it far easier to respond when my wife pointed out something that was frustrating. Instead of defending myself I could consider it and respond: “You know what, I can see that. Sorry!” One of the things to know before getting married is that it’s helpful to laugh at yourself once in a while.

5. Ditch assumptions about household norms.

My wife is really motivated by house projects. I am not. This used to bother me a lot. I felt like I wasn’t a “real man” because all my friends loved working on projects and my wife would buy me tools so she could use them. However, I eventually realized that my silly need to live into “household norms” was ruining my ability to be thankful for the gifts my wife brought to the table. And the problem was not our different interests but my insecurity. Are there ways your expectations about what roles men and women should play is making it difficult for you and your wife to enjoy your different gifts? If so, I encourage you to ditch your assumptions and embrace your gifts. After all, who cares who mows the lawn or washes the dishes as long as it gets done?

Sound off: What are other things to know before getting married?