“I just have a lot of disdain for my dad,” my friend said as we talked about our families. When I asked why, it came pouring out like an abscess being drained. “He’s manipulative, codependent, always plays the victim, and has no desire to be healthy.” My friend didn’t say “I hate my dad,” but he was close.
Dads have a profound effect on their kids, especially sons. And when we don’t have a good one, like my friend, it can affect how we view ourselves, our relationships, and our approach to fatherhood. There’s a lot to work through for sons to be different from dads who fell short. Do you have a complicated relationship with your dad? Is it a struggle? Have you ever thought or said “I hate my dad?” Here are 5 things to do about it.
1. Explore your feelings.
Often, men bury their feelings, believing or fearing they will be taken for weakness. This is not the case. Your feelings are legitimate, and you won’t experience healing until you explore them. Allow yourself to feel the heartache, sadness, anger, confusion, fear, disgust, anxiety, guilt… Feel them all, and write them down. It may feel overwhelming, but do your best just to let them come.
2. Understand his behavior and its effects.
Your dad did something to you that wasn’t right, and it cost you in some way. What did he do and how has it affected you? More than likely, you’ll need a counselor or therapist to help you uncover all of it. But it’s more than worth it and absolutely necessary for you to heal from the hurt and dysfunction.
3. See him as a human being.
There are probably many reasons your dad is the way he is. It’s not an excuse for destructive behavior and toxic habits, but typically it’s not born out of nowhere. Often, it’s a cycle, and your dad may not have had the tools, examples, or knowledge to break it. Yes, he could have made different choices or been better, but the reality is you may have made the same mistakes if you walked in his shoes.
4. Work on forgiveness.
Forgiveness doesn’t give approval to his behavior. It means you are going to release him from your grip. It’s a decision not to dwell on what he did or hold it against him. That doesn’t mean the relationship is reconciled, and it definitely doesn’t mean removing boundaries. It’s possible to forgive but also have a necessary boundary of distance or possibly even full separation, especially if your dad is toxic. Typically, forgiveness takes time and work. That’s why I say “work on forgiveness.” Give yourself time and grace.
5. Be different.
You don’t have to repeat the same mistakes your dad made. Let your dad’s example be a warning to you to be different. The Apostle Paul said in Romans 12:2, “Do not be conformed to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Find men you respect and follow their example instead. Even more so, God is a perfect father, loving, present, consistent, and faithful. He desires the best for your life and for you to be the best dad you can be. If you ask Him for direction, wisdom, and the right heart. He’ll give it to you.
Sound off: If a friend said “I hate my dad,” what would you say?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What’s one thing I do that you like and wish I did more?” “