After her parents asked about the first day at her new school, Riley’s answers went from avoidance to full-on sass. Her dad, Bill, looked across his box of takeout and said, “Riley, I do not like this new attitude.” Things unraveled from there as his irritated daughter lashed out: “What is your problem? Just leave me alone!” In the scene, from the movie Inside Out, Riley’s parents didn’t understand what she was feeling after their recent move.
There are times when, despite our best efforts, teenagers shut us out. We’ll ask what’s going on, and they either shun us or give one-word answers. No matter why they’ve stopped talking to you, it’s important to do whatever you can to maintain this relationship. Here are 7 things to do when your teenager shuts you out.
1. Keep your cool.
When a teenager gives you attitude, it can be tempting to fly off the handle and yell at her. You might want to meet her frustration and intensity with your own. In these moments, it’s critical that you keep your cool. Don’t do or say something that hurts her or adds to the barrier between the two of you. If your teenager is shutting you out, take a deep breath and make sure you deal with whatever is going on clearly and objectively.
2. Make sure he knows you’re (still) listening.
Whatever the cause of the conflict between you and your teenager might be, keep asking questions. Ask how he’s doing and what’s going on in his life. You might get one-word or no-word answers, but your willingness to stick with him when he’s barely communicative will reinforce to him that you care and are there for him. If you’re not sure he understands this, tell him clearly that you’ll be ready whenever he wants to talk.
3. Eat meals together.
Don’t let a conflict with your teenager get in the way of a family tradition. Let your teenagers know that you expect them to be at the table with the rest of the family. Even if you have to deal with the silent treatment or a bad attitude, insist that they’re there with you. While a family meal is also a moment of normalcy in the middle of this drama, food can also serve as a de-escalator and offer a chance to re-establish connection with your kids.
4. Be the first to apologize.
If, in your frustration, you’ve said or done something that’s hurt your teenager, be ready to apologize to her. Swallowing your pride and saying sorry—even if she lashed out at you first—will offer her an opportunity to open up to you and let you know what’s going on. While you may not be the one who started the conflict, you can be the one to put an end to it.
5. Invite him to do something with you.
Sometimes the best strategy in this situation is to make a change. Invite your teenager to do something he loves with you. It might be going to the driveway to shoot some hoops, sitting down to play a video game, or going for a Slurpee. Getting him out of the house with you to do something totally different (that doesn’t require talking) might offer him the chance to reset his emotions and, as a result, to open up to you again.
6. Call in back-up.
If your teenager is shutting you out and nothing else is working, it might be time to bring in someone else to help. Reach out to your spouse, a grandparent, or other beloved relative, teacher, coach, pastor… Let this person know you’re worried about you teenager and you don’t know how to help her. If she won’t talk to you, it may be that she’ll be willing to talk to someone else.
7. Wait it out.
If nothing else works, you may just need to be patient and wait things out. Maybe your teenager still isn’t talking to you even though you’ve apologized where needed, offered him chances to reconnect, and called in reinforcements. This may be the hardest strategy of all because you feel helpless with whatever your teenager is going through. Love on your kid and keep trying all of the above (and more). It may be that the thing your teenager remembers most from this time is your unwillingness to give up on him.
Sound off: What else can you do when your teenager shuts you out?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What do you usually do when you get angry?”