Last summer, my son Josh lived with us, along with his wife and their son. It was a privilege to have that time together. At the same time, he was trying out for the Jaguars. One of the hardest parts of my job is cutting players because it affects their livelihoods. And it’s especially hard when the player is your son. As training camp wore on, I warned him that I didn’t think it would work out. He understood and kept a great attitude. Ultimately, I did end up cutting him.
Those were difficult conversations, but my son and I have built a relationship that makes conversations like that possible. One of the things I enjoy most at this stage of parenting is that my sons still come to me for my perspective and advice. This didn’t happen accidentally or from luck. It came from years of intentional thought and consistent effort. If you want this type of relationship with your kids, one your kids think is safe for having tough conversations and seeking you out for advice, then focus on these 5 things.
1. Spend time with them.
Much of the comfort my sons have in coming to me came from the time we spent together. The time spent fishing, being at school events, playing on sports fields, hunting, Christmases, birthdays, and celebrating milestones created memories and bonds. Our kids go through a lot of stages and changes, and we need to walk through it all with them. Making the most of these opportunities will build trust with your kids. Being a consistent presence now will make them want your presence in the future.
2. Model self-discipline.
This is something my dad modeled for me. If you tell your kids you are going to do something, do it. If you say you’re going to be there, make sure you show up on time. Set your priorities and boundaries. Be willing to say no to less important things so you can commit to your kids. Having self-discipline will model to your kids what’s truly important in life. If you do that, your kids will know they can depend on you, and that creates trust.
3. Tell them no.
You are the one who needs to teach them right from wrong. Establish clear boundaries, and hold them firmly. Love your kids enough to discipline them when they step out of line. Sometimes it takes them time to understand it. That’s OK. There were plenty of times my sons were mad at me because I wouldn’t let them go to a party or engage in things I thought would hurt them. Now that they’re grown, they’re grateful.
4. Sacrifice for them.
Success in our careers, friendships, interests, hobbies—there are a lot of things we want to pursue. Then there are times we want to relax and zone out. We will need to sacrifice some of these things for the sake of our kids. The sacrifices we make communicate to our kids that they are worthy of our time and attention. It makes them feel loved and valued. And they will always want to be where they feel loved and valued. Sacrifice your own desires and pour into your kids.
5. Surround yourself with wise people.
Somebody recently asked me what the best parenting advice is that I have ever received. Honestly, I couldn’t remember any advice I received, but I did have a lot of great examples. I watched other dads I admired, like my own dad, older players, and coaches. They all showed me the kind of dad I wanted to be. Look for those dads in your life. Surround yourself with people who are older, wiser, and have great relationships with their kids. Then follow their example.
Sound off: What else can a dad do now to ensure his kids come to him for advice?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “If you had a problem, whose advice would you seek?”