wife doesnt want sex

5 Reasons Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

Remember when you and your wife were dating? It was really difficult to keep your hands off each other. You wanted her and she wanted you. That felt so good. It was awesome. There’s no better feeling than being desired. After marriage, and particularly after having kids, things have a way of changing. You are still ready to go every night, but she’s not. What happened? You feel like you rarely have sex anymore, and when you do it feels like she’s doing you a favor.

You work out, you look good, but it doesn’t make a difference. You’re lost. This whole married sex thing was supposed to be different. Couples counseling might be something to consider for deeper insight. However, these 5 Reasons Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex will help you understand and show you what to do.

1. She Doesn’t Feel Connected to You.

While we feel more connected to our wives by having sex, our wives need to connect first.  You may have talked with her about daily logistics or superficial things. She needs more. She wants to be seen, heard, and known. The disconnect causes her loneliness. It’s like she’s trapped in a dungeon alone. You need to free her.

Action: Talk to her about her. Find out how she is feeling, her insecurities, fears, and struggles. Also, share how you are feeling. Look at her–no distractions. Get tunnel vision for her. “Clear the mechanism.

2. She Doesn’t Feel Sexy.

Her body has changed since having kids. She knows it and she probably thinks about it all the time, constantly comparing herself to other women. Even when she returns to her pre-kid body, I guarantee she’s still comparing–desperate for affirmation. The best place she can get it is from you. 

Action: Affirm her. She needs to feel your passion for her in your words, body language, and eyes. Tell her she’s sexy and why—particularly when she makes a negative comment about herself. When you get home from work, greet her with a long hug and kiss before you greet the kids. Look into her eyes and don’t be in a hurry to look away. When you’re out, direct your eyes to her rather than other places. Give her a look that communicates, in a room full of people, she’s the only one you want to talk to.

3. Her Sexual Appetite is Naturally Not as Strong as Yours.

Studies show that over the course of a relationship, a woman’s desire for sex decreases while her desire for tenderness increases. The problem is that our desire for sex stays just as high as always. Even at its highest state, her appetite might not have been as high as yours and probably never will be.

Action: Recognize this reality and be patient with her. Reach out to her with physical and emotional tenderness. That’s what she wants and needs. Try to meet her needs before your own.

4. She is Tired, Stressed, or Depressed.

Motherhood is exhausting, emotionally draining and stressful. Once again, depending on the depth of her anxiety and/or depression you may want to seek counseling.

Action: Give her some rest. Take the kids out for a day, run some errands for her, or clean the house. If she is stressed or depressed, rub her shoulders without her asking you. Give her a foot or full body massage. Tell her to kick back and relax. Give her music to listen to and light some candles. Take her tension away.      

5. She’s Focused on Being a Mom, Not a Wife.

Women put a lot of pressure on themselves to be the perfect mom–to have it all together.  They beat themselves up for every little mistake or lack of knowledge. They compare and can obsess on eliminating imperfections. Sometimes our relationship as husband and wife gets lost. That’s not good. Your intimate relationship is important and needs her attention too.

Action: You need to talk to her about how you feel. However, make sure you are not prosecuting or pressuring her. Encourage her about how amazing she is as a mom. Let her know though that you miss her, want her, and desire her. It might even be okay to use the word jealous here. Your biggest concern should be for more intimacy–a significant need for each of you. 

Sound Off

What has helped you overcome your wife's lack of desire for sex?

BJ Foster

BJ Foster is the Director of Content Creation for All Pro Dad and a married father of two.

  • Josh Brunner

    Haha again ANOTHER HORRIBLE HORRIBLE ARTICLE BY BJ! Sorry man do some research before u spew more crap! Im so tired of reading lies and more lies!

    Ill say what i tell my wife in our christain home:

    What a joke i think im done with all pro dad and ill tell all the guys who ive turned to this site to dump it quick as well because these articles are straight crap! Another article that shows only the FATHER AND HUSBAND HAVE TO SACRIFICE! What a crock

    • Ellie G

      Wow Josh, you sound really angry at the author for writing this article but it seems to me the person you’re really angry at is your wife. Dude, you need a good counselor and quick if you want to save your marriage. Poor woman, or maybe she treats you like crap and you have a reason to be so angry. Either way, please stop posting stuff like this for the world to see and just deal w/ your issues at home. Your family will thank you. You say it’s a Christian home, yet your writing is so bitter and resentful. It’s very unlike the forgiving, gracious God that the Bible describes. I obviously don’t know where your problems are stemming from but blasting an article that encourages men to be sensitive and loving to their wives only makes you look like a total jerk.

      • Josh Brunner

        There u go psychologist! Its all deleted!

        • BJ_Foster

          I agree with some of what you said Josh. The main thing I wonder is what your advice would be to a guy struggling with this situation. Say a friend said to you, “My wife just doesn’t seem interested in sex anymore.” What would you tell him to do?

          • Josh Brunner

            in one word: counseling….!!!! go talk to someone, finally open up so the both of u have a mediator, sometimes it is the only way for people to see the faults their loved ones have been trying to show them or help them thru….

            what else can one do IF everything else fails? counseling….

            quick fix, start buying her flowers for no reason, help around the house more, do stuff that she usually does to show her u are a part of the family…. do the dishes… quit being a typical man, where her responsibilities are the house and urs are to work,,,, thats no longer the case in most situations….

          • BJ_Foster

            Good stuff, but what if she won’t go to counseling?

          • Josh Brunner

            well then i guess ur left standing there wondering if she really does want to be a wife then dont you? if she wont go then i guess its time for u to go by yourself, and really decide in ur heart of hearts why GOD would write a book explaining to all how they should treat each other and act then wouldnt you?

          • BJ_Foster

            I follow the first part and the counseling part. I’m not sure what really needs to be decided in his heart of hearts about why God wrote the Bible. Can you explain what you mean there?

  • Sharla Kilpatrick

    I read often men feel their wives intentionally withhold sex. I am not sure it is usually conscious. I have experience with the first and last points in this article. I felt our relationship loose regular casual forms of intimacy like cuddles in front of the TV before sex disappeared. He just didn’t seem to miss those things. I couldn’t go from feeling alone in the room with most domestic and financial duties allocated to me & sleep deprived from breastfeeding – to turned on at the flick of a switch.

    • I thought that as well at one point in time, I even became suspicious that she might be cheating (Though I never put it into words). I typically like to have sex every day if possible and she has always been the twice a month kinda gal. It turned out after stalking her (yes I said stalking and am not making any excuses) that her drive indeed did simply dissipate, there was nobody else, not even so much as a flirt. I then was forced to ask myself the question what is more important My wife in my life or sex every day as nobody can control a loss of drive. Lets just say I am still with my wife and have no plans of leaving. Yes it is rough but I can deal with twice a month as it is with a little hand-to-man alone time. Love should never souly depend on weather you are getting lucky.

      • Tellerr

        very true. its when we start a family we are so lost. our bodies are changing we feel uglier, kids drain us and our work load has increased and at times (fairly or unfairly) we resent men at how different our costs are in order to become a parent. but if there is a good marriage, and respect these things disappear and when kids start school and we regain our sense of self we appreciate how much our husband has put up with us and what his cost to parenthood was( included dealing with a partner that changed ). so all in all marriage has to be more than just any one dimension, only then it would work.

        • Roger Dodger

          Ridiculous answer. Respect these things and when kids go back to school things may change? Your mentality is part of the problem.

          You resent men? Wow…


          • Tellerr

            are you married? kids? how long have you been married? ofcourse if you dont mind me asking that is.

          • Kristina Limburg

            Its women like you who give women like me a bad name , are you sure you’re not a lesbo ?

        • gonnahitcharide

          You resent men at how different your costs are in order to be a parent? Do you think at all about how it affects men too? I work full-time AT HOME so I take on just as many household duties as my wife does. I am a VERY involved dad AND I take on all the paperwork that is involved in running a household as well (insurance, taxes, bills, etc) plus I do all the repairs as well. I get up in the middle of the night to help my son poop, or get a drink of water, or tend to an itchy knee. I still have energy and desire for sex or even a little bit of affection from my wife but do I get it? No. I’m sweet to her, make her tea every morning, listen to her, support her, help her in any way, but I truly get nothing back.

      • ok but why do they get to call the shots? every day vs twice a month? why follow her lead? why does she make the rules? why not once a week then at least? that’s still favoring her ways.

      • Kristina Limburg

        Its men like you made us women disrespect you more , be a men and control your life , don’t be afraid to get divorce if needed .

  • CT

    Lets address the problem of a husband who is uninterested in sex–men with low T. Why is the lack of sex always blamed on the women? I want that intimacy with my husband but his says he’s too tired and not interested. He works long hours outside in a physically demanding job. He is 51 and has always worked outside. Believe me, I am VERY interested! I smell good, I am kind, loving and use my words for love. He doesn’t have someone else. Please write an article that deals with men who don’t have any interest. And blue pills are not the answer here. Thanks!

  • doomed

    Same crap as most such ‘guides’ on the net copy n pasting the same tired worn out reasons most feminists and feminized males give.

    If I only had a dollar for every man who tells the same story, try all the sensitive new age stuff, try to talk and such and still gets no where along with how many men say that as soon as the ring is on the finger sex dries up over night, I’d be a rich man.

    Women have been told power= happiness by feminists, funny the more empowered women I see, the less happy women I see. They want to be men. Here’s something feminists forget to mention, men want success and power for one reason, to get laid. We know power, money, a big house nice car etc leads to us having sex more often. Sex makes us happy. But women think power = happiness and this is why they fail.
    They use everything as a tool, including sex. Sex and love is not meant to be a tool. It is the only thing that stops a couple from being room mates.

    Men need to man up and take back this world, and women need to start realising how good they once had it and stop ignoring their biology and that oddly men have needs wants desires and also have feelings. When you’re a couple both peoples needs should be considered and met not just one of them, which seems to be what we’re told this day and age. Screw you guys, it’s all about making the women happy.

    Make an effort for your man women, as much as men make driving themselves into an early grave working to provide that life style you’re accustomed to.

    Sex should not be a chore or a bargaining chip when you’re in love with someone who has forsaken all others to make you their only sex partner for life. Stop thinking of yourselves all the time. Gotta give to get.

    • Exploitationist

      From my experience, sex is used as a weapon.

      Great post man.

      • Trevor

        By the wife, soon after marriage in the majority of situations.

        • CJ

          You are so correct. Men are wired for sexual pleasure and wives play this to their advantage from Day One once they know they can use this to their advantage. So basically it is the faithful God-fearing husband who gets shafted!

    • Lee Kristiansen

      My damn hero man!! Fucking thank you. Finally some real
      Talk… I started reading this, and was getting more pissed off
      Every second, saying to myself over and over = fuck this bullshit. I’m laying here again, blue balled out, and turned down. Our son is 1 years old, healthy and strong, never sick. Birth went great, got her hot body back, working with her dream job. I do everything! All the above BS, waaaay ahead. Done it all, all the time. And that’s my failure. And I’m sick and tired of porn! I want sex with my wife god damn it.! Turned down so many offers, because of monogamy. Work my ass off 60 hours a week… Sex was amazing once. We are both 30, and I feel like we’ve been married 45 years. This can’t be right. There’s always an excuse, and a quick run for distraction, when I try to be sentimental and just passionate, with a kiss and a squeeze on the ass. She says she loves me, and wants to be together, and stupid for asking. Wtf man!! Screw this modern age crap, all for the woman. What about the man. It’s a bunch of hipster bullshit! I’m so angry and sad at the same time, Wanna rip my hair out. It’s painful. Sex for me, is about love and romance. I think my wife is beautiful and sexy, and I use to
      Love men looking at her, knowing she’s with me… I just feel all washed up, and worthless. Somebody say something helpful. FML!
      And thanks again Doomed, well written

      • doomed

        Thanks 🙂

      • Amen, i’m with you. I tell her everything you just said, and still nothing. kids are sound asleep, she’ll watch a movie. we just went to bed. think anything would happen? nope. it’s been over 3 weeks. i addressed it but didn’t want to. i said, you think you would take initiative. i’m tired of doing it all the time. if you don’t want to be with me let me know. i’m tired of the bs games. i’ve told her she should be thankful her husband finds her very attractive and wants to have sex with her. nope. whatever. she said she is tired. i’m done with this bs. if i don’t bring it up no one will. i’m so fn done with this crap. when is the right time? when a show isn’t on she doesn’t want to watch? i’m so tired of being the one to start with her and like the above post said, i feel like she’s doing me a favor. screw that crap. again, all the jackass guys who treat women poorly are getting the great sex and relationships. those of us who are honest and want to be with that one only, get screwed. this is too draining.

      • dave roms

        I agree with you,Ive been married 21 years and Ive been the primary breadwinner all these years and what do I get….sex once a month ..maybe ..I think this will be my last year of marriage.sorry my grammar is not good.

    • Justin Martinez

      I’m mentally clapping my hands right now. Wow! Men have gotten weak over the ages… including myself, unfortunately. 🙁
      My sex with my wife is still great but that’s only due to the power struggle between us. I learned that if one person wears the pants in the relationship, most likely it’s doomed to fail. Men, be strong when the moment calls. Don’t constantly bend over backwards.

    • Josh Smith

      Couldn’t of said it better! Good job!

    • CJ

      Amen, brother! I know in my marriage I never laid down the law and tried to be the considerate, sensitive guy, but that only brought disrespect and disconnect from my wife. Now, after 2 years of marital counseling, I see just how much power I let her have. I should have put my foot down in those early years and told her who was the boss and now I am paying for it for 20-plus years of a sucky piece of shit marriage and don’t know how to make things right. Do I just cut bait and start over? Something I have to give over to God daily.

      • Rabid

        If you’re miserable then yes, not just for your own sake, but hers, I would recommend considering calling it a day. I was with my kids mother for about 14 years and leaving her was the best thing I ever did for all in the family. Been with my current partner for a decade now and never been happier. Which would of never happened if I had stayed in the miserable loveless relationship I was in.

        We’re not getting any younger, so stop getting more miserable. Take control of your life.

        • Richard Wilson

          Beat the meat partner

    • Leroy Davila

      I totally understand your POV and I can honestly say I agree with you 100%

    • Suzanne Johnson

      my husband thinks the same thing you do, but not everything is cut and dry like you say. it’s incredibly naïve of you to think that women just want power. It is biological, women do have more stresses then men do, we do think about things all the time that cause stress, so that we cant concentrate on getting wet. I sure as shit want tenderness, I want someone that can touch me, hug me, kiss me, rub my arms and legs, or in general be affectionate without it leading to sex all the time. I thoroughly enjoy sex with my husband, not anyone else, but i’m not always ready for it. I can’t concentrate, I end up not enjoying it. Then..because I’m not enjoying it, he feels like he did something wrong, and then he cant enjoy it. It is expected of women to do everything, at first it was just cook clean take care of the kids or animals. Later on women wanted careers, and more and more women wanted to work, but along with work we also had to cook clean take care of kids or animals and work. That’s fine. We can do it all, can’t we??!! some women can do it all, and they must be crazy, I don’t know how they do it. I can’t do it all, I get tired, I get stressed, I don’t want to have sex with my husband when I’m tired and stressed and can’t concentrate, and all I want is a fricking hug and someone to hold. On the other hand men (In general), for as long back as anyone could remember were only supposed to work and bring home the bacon to support his family. Men weren’t expected to mow the lawn or rake or build tree houses etc whatever, they were just supposed to work and financially support the household. Stress from work sure, but men are better at tossing stress to the wayside and not thinking about it. it is easier for men to get horny, men do not worry as much as women do. It may be a power thing for some women, but honestly we just want to be treated like equals, we want are husbands or boyfriends to respect our opinions and what we think, we want them to listen to advice if its good, we want our men to not expect things from us, other then that in all relationships we should be respectful of each other and be caring. It is not all on the women to do whatever the man says, and a woman shouldn’t expect a man to do whatever she says. Marriage and relationships are partnerships where you each work together for a common goal. To be together.. and be happy. No one is going to feel happy or feel like they are wanted if someone threatens them, or one or the other feels like they have all the power. You treat people how you would want to be treated. You’re extremely loony and ignorant if you think men need to “take the power back”. They need to realize that their wife isn’t their enemy, theyre your partner.

  • CJ

    Or you can do these things and she feels like she is smothered by you for 21 years of marriage only to find out that she has been having an emotional affair for the past two years and you had to be the one to expose it. So many things that are involved in a stinking stupid martial relationship. As a husband who has taken his family to church our entire marriage, been a youth leader, a church board member, has prayed with his wife and kids and done devotions, etc., yet knows he still has struggled to be the man of God he wants to be and knows he still has issues to deal with, this exposure is the worst pain I’ve ever gone through in my life.

    Gotta love a wife who has issues and blames the vast majority of the relationship on YOU! Sorry, this isn’t just about the sexual intimacy but the overall intimacy and the boundaries of marriage and the vows you make before God! And yes, I am still processing forgiveness and dealing with bitterness and resentment. Going to counseling together, but everything is geared toward repairing HER issues and respecting HER boundaries with nothing to reciprocate from the damage SHE has done from HER end of things!

    • doomed

      Your first mistake was listening to a sky fairy on how to live.

      I’m good without god, and I am good because of good being right not because of the threat of semi-eternal damnation of some unproven entity looking over my shoulder 24/7.
      Takes 2 to tango, if you’re miserable and your wife’s not fulfilling her duties why are you with her?
      By now is it not clear things are not going to end in your favour? The only way you can win now is accept you’ve lost and do it all her own way.

      I mean honestly where is god answering your prayers and looking out for you his child adhering to his word? I guess you’ll have to wait until you’re dead for that whole 10x the reward thing. Or you can take control of your life and make it what you want it to be here and now and still be a good decent human being in the process.

      She’s winning because she knows you and the world in general are weak. She has the power and knows it.
      Sack up. Take back the throne in your castle.

      • CJ

        You know, doomed, in a certain sense I can see your point. I have been faithfully committed to my wife — who is a fallen sinner like I am — and have really not gotten the fair end of the deal in our relationship for most of our marriage. I do love sacrificially, just as my savior, Jesus Christ, did for His church.

        I know that the God I believe in and worship is a good God and we live in an ugly, unfair and sinful/selfish world, but I know that He will be faithful — if not in this lifetime definitely in the hereafter.

        Thanks for the advice and I will take it with a grain of salt. I know I can harden my heart, but I also know that wouldn’t do me any good, my wife any good, my kids any good or anyone around me any good. I want my testimony to shine for my Lord! And I know that can still happen through faith, hope and love — with the most of these being love. I will love God and love my wife as myself. I can’t fall into the self-pity or cynical pit of despair.

        • Grover

          I’ve tried it all. House work, child care, dinner, listening, non sexual touching, etc, etc. blaa, blaa, blaa. Women in the US have been poisoned into thinking the marriage is about them. The wedding defintely is. Getting my last child in college and will hit the road after that in hopes of salvaging whats left of my life. I swear there’s a rule for f…ing everything. There’s already enough trouble and drama in the world without women creating more.

          • doomed

            Sorry to tell you friend, it’s not just the U.S, this is very much a global problem.

          • SmithMax

            The ever changing roles of the XX and XY. Maybe polygamists have more pragmatic views about marriage? As is, monogamy provides added emotional security for women.Unbalanced from jumpstreet. Many men pride themselves on being ‘the strength’ but that comes with other things. Culture weighs in, feminism is lovely for women, globally seeking ‘liberation’. Women are equal to men?Where’s the women’s NFL? Lots of men forget the role of XY, watch XXX and allow XX to pull the strings. We are suckers for tears, and the flesh betwixt the legs. It takes a conscious man to establish that ‘balance’ lacking globally with his woman, lose that balance and the scales are tipped. No easy task.

          • good for you! game play bs is not needed. too many countless hurdles in life. you don’t need crap games like this in the home. good plan you have!

      • Gert B Frobe

        My thoughts exactly, god has nothing to do with reality.

  • DeAndre

    There’s always porn!

    • doomed

      Porn and masturbation not good for mens mental and physical health especially if used as frequently as most men require sex. It can actually encourage more problems than it fixes. Don’t get me wrong,I like porn, but when I am watching it with my lover for inspiration on new things for us to try.

      The real solution is if you’re at that stage when you have a perfectly capable wife and you’re in front of you computer jacking off instead of making love to her, is to open that front door and either make her walk out it or walk out it yourself and find some real vagina. Otherwise you’re going to be screwed up, bitter and miserable for the rest of your life.

    • i’ll give you that but what was the point of getting married?

    • doomed

      Porn is unhealthy for men, physically and mentally.
      Give me full blown love making any day.
      Masturbation with a single hand doesn’t even come close to using your whole body with another person.

      • James Silver

        And what other choices are there? Obtain a prostitute and you could go to jail and/or your wife files for divorce. You lose everything. Doomed – I have been married over 20 years. Porn is the only thing I know. If lucky, I am allowed to touch my wife, maybe, once a year. Has been like that since the beginning.

        • doomed

          illegal? depends on where you live. Then there is always having an affair.
          Or the best option you list, your wife files for divorce, except it should be you filing for it if the relationship is that broken and you’re that unhappy.

          Seriously your significant other needs to be more than just a room mate you share a blanket with.
          Otherwise why are you even in a relationship?

          Choice is yours. If you spend the days jacking off to porn and being miserable you have no one to blame but yourself. No one else is going to fix your life and make it what you want it to be for you.

          The day I woke up to the how stupid modern relationships have become and stopped playing the game my life got a whole lot better and the love making more frequent. You should give it a go. Take control of your life back.

          And do not make excuses, kids, money, blah blah blah. You stay together for kids it does them no good, miserable parents make miserable kids. and money and meterialistic things can always be replaced.

          Everything in life has a price, you can pay to be happy or pay to be miserable. I know which I’d take.

          • Paul Evans

            well said sir

  • MJ

    This article basically blames the man for not fixing his wife’s mental issues. What a load, women need to figure out what is wrong with themselves and correct it.

    • BJ_Foster

      I hear you. I don’t think I was blaming anyone, but giving insight into what is happening in most cases from the female perspective. Many husbands, perhaps you included, work hard to sacrifice for their wife and connect with her. It may be well intentioned, but not what she is needing at the moment. It’s like entering the wrong code on a lock. It can be frustrating, but I wouldn’t say it’s a man’s fault or a woman’s mental problem. It’s mostly a disconnection problem. The purpose of this article is to possibly give the right codes. However, even believing what you do, taking on a combative mindset or being bitter when it comes to relational issues this deep rarely, if ever, end in a good place.

      • Roger Dodger

        I think that this article is embarrassing and nothing more than copy and pasting other similar crap.

        • BJ_Foster

          Sorry you feel that way Roger. I didn’t copy and paste anything. It may be that there is consensus on how to help the situation, but if you feel like something was missed I’d love to hear what advice you would give.

          • Kristina Limburg

            This article definitely wrong and blames men which is not fair , i am a women and i see this kind of problems all the time with my married friends or family members , women need to take some responsibilities and make an effort to do thing s better .

          • BJ_Foster

            The article is not blaming men or saying that women don’t have their own work (point 5 specifically lays a point of contention at her feet) to do. However, this is a site for men and we can only control what we do, not what our wives do. This article attempts to give men understanding of where she may be coming from and action points to help overcome the problem. So let me ask you, what advice would you give to a man whose wife is not wanting to have sex? What would you have him do?

          • Kristina Limburg

            BJ_Foster , ,,,,,, Unless the wife has some kind of illness that prevents her from having sex , women need to perform their duty as a wife or partner , otherwise men need to be men and divorce their wives , the problem today is that there are no men left , most men turned into sissies , they need to stand up and be tough , period .

          • BJ_Foster

            So you’re saying give them an ultimatum, ‘have sex or I’ll divorce you?’ No talking about it first? No counseling? Is giving her an ultimatum and divorcing her really your definition of a real man? I call that cutting and running when things get tough. In my opinion that’s what a sissy does. A real man upholds the vow he gave at his wedding to remain faithful and bound to her ‘for better or worse.’ Now I think there’s plenty of room to firmly challenge a wife who is being selfish, but that will only be effective if he first analyzes himself and what he may have contributed to the situation. Telling men to divorce their wives after presenting a cold-hearted ultimatum sounds cavalier, but what does it look like in real life? What kind of pain does that unleash in the family? In my experience that advice wouldn’t work out well.

            One more thing, we also challenge wives on our sister site iMOM.com. http://www.imom.com/4-things-you-can-do-when-youre-not-in-the-mood/#.WNGRY1XyuUk

          • Rabid

            Dude, skipping counseling could be a good thing. Out of all the couples I know that tried it, it helped none of them. And often it was unbalanced with one partner feeling like they were having all the blame put on them instead of it being shared equally by the couple.

            All they ever seems to do is drag out the misery much longer while someone else profits, like lawyers being the only ones who benefit from a marriage certificate. Only a counselor benefits from a bad relationship imho.

            By the time you think you need a counselor, what you really need is an exit strategy.

            I can tell you, staying in a bad relationship, for kids, for god, for morals, for whatever, unleashes more pain in a family for much longer than just manning up and doing what logic dictates needs to be done.

            Better to just rip that band aid off than sit there tugging at it for ever.

          • Timothy Nichols

            it helped me – and my marriage is stronger than ever. I have a good friend that is going thru just this thing in his marriage and I am trying to work with him to stay strong and in the marriage. They can make it if they look beyond their own needs and look to the other person.

          • BJ_Foster

            Dude, that could be the result of a bad counselor. I’ve seen the opposite of what you have seen from couples going to counseling. I’ve seen many marriages and families stronger than ever because they chose to go to counseling, work on themselves and their relationships. They all would have missed out on a lot of joy had they thrown in the towel because things got hard. I’ve never suggested that a couple stay together for the kids. A couple should stay in a marriage because loving, sacrificing, forgiving, and giving grace to others, even when the same is not always returned, molds us into the best version of ourselves. Marriage is about giving, not getting, and too many people quit early. Now if the relationship is abusive that’s a different story. That’s not something that should ever be tolerated.

          • Exactly. It’s a money grab from the legal union of marriage to the countless divorce lawyers that I hear running commercials in my neck of the woods (probably because i live in a affluent area).

            I do believe in the biblical union of marriage and as a result I cannot give up. However, it’s seems like it’s a one sided coin when it comes to the person who has to just “deal with it.”

          • gonnahitcharide

            What IS your personal experience with being in this type of one-sided relationship?

            What if you’ve tried all you’ve suggested? What if you’ve tried counseling only to find that you both agree to disagree on so many issues?

            People change all the time. We grow. We regress. Why do vows have to remain constant?

            What if there is verbal abuse from the wife TO the husband on a consistent basis, and even though it’s been pointed out and discussed in therapy, no changes are made?
            You stand firm in your belief that one should hold his marriage vow sacred?

            Please be honest, and I’ll respect your opinions.

          • BJ_Foster

            I’ll always be honest. In any relationship when I have had conflict I always try to think first about what role I played and where I need to take responsibility. If I am 1% wrong I take responsibility for that before I ask the other person to take responsibility for their 99%. I try to see the situation from their perspective and ask myself the question, how have I caused hurt here? Have their been wounds in the person’s past that cause my seemingly innocent words or actions to be painful, insensitive, or insulting? When I’ve identified where I have cause hurt I apologize and ask for forgiveness. Normally the other person’s guard comes down almost immediately, but even if it doesn’t I then talk about where I was hurt.

            You mentioned these suggestions not working, or “falling flat” in another comment. Sometimes there are wounds that have accumulated over a long time that haven’t been voiced. Sometimes the people experiencing the hurt don’t even know why they are hurt. When unvoiced wounds and bitterness have built up these five suggestions will definitely not work, at least not right away. It’s going to take a long time and really good counseling. If I tried all of these and they had fallen flat I’d start asking myself the question, have there been ways I have caused my wife pain and broken her trust. Even if there have always been good intentions. I may even ask her. Marriage rarely ends up in counseling because they simply disagree on a lot of issues. Normally it is because the people involved have hurt one another, they feel misunderstood, and the trust has been broken. All of that takes more than some simple suggestions to untangle. But it can be done if both people are willing.

            Abuse, physical or verbal, is a totally different story and should never be tolerated. Other than that, yes vows are sacred. Whether the other person has changed, grown, or regressed we have made a commitment to love them til death. And it’s really hard. But why do vows have to remain constant? My honest answer: Because loving, sacrificing, giving, remaining faithful, and giving grace (even when it isn’t returned) make us not only stronger people, but a stronger society. Throwing in the towel when circumstances get difficult makes us weaker.

          • gonnahitcharide

            BJ, I really do appreciate your thorough and honest response, and I do understand all you wrote. Without coming off like I’m negating everything you said, I have absolutely taken responsibility for MY part, my actions, my issues. I am in my own therapy along with couples therapy. I have great insight into myself and even that of my wife, including her past. Thing is, it takes TWO to want to be in the relationship. Yes, she is in therapy with me, but this far it’s been a vehiclenor a platform for her to argue and combat any and all points I make with very little headway being made, even with the guidance of the therapist. She just does not like me. Forget about love. There is no like. It is in that, that I wrote my last comment about vows. Sure, I can wait and hope that there will be change in her part to love and/or like me again, or wait until SHE makes the first move in a divorce, or I can move on instead of spending the rest of my days in a dysfunctional and non-compatible relationship. Is it selfish? Perhaps. It could be viewed as healthy. It’s all perspective, so again, I appreciate your take on the situation though I don’t feel as if you have experienced what many of us here are griping about, and that is being in a very one-sided relationship. It’s not just about conflict per se.

          • BJ_Foster

            I hear you. I’m sorry for what you are going through and appreciate you sharing. Sounds to me like you are doing everything that I talked about. My response was to someone suggesting divorce as a first option and skipping counseling altogether. You are different from what I was responding to. You are putting the work in and exhausting all options. As far as you throwing in the towel or sticking to it I couldn’t tell you. I certainly don’t know enough about your situation, but if it were me (and you’re right – my relationship is not one sided) I would seek out a lot of wise counsel from objective people who were supportive of both my wife and I before making a move towards divorce. I prayed for you and your wife this morning and will continue to. I sincerely wish you all the best.

          • Rabid

            I wasn’t even suggesting divorce as a first option. But as the solution to when it is like as gonnahitcharide describes.

            No communication, nothing works, one party takes all the blame the other accepts none of it.
            When you’ve done all you can to fix things and you hit the end of the road. Instead of going around in circles more and dragging it out, sometimes it’s best for someone to bite the bullet and call it quits for the sake of all.

            If you read what many men are saying here, they’ve done all you and others advised, what we’re told a good husband does and have made no progress, mostly due to the other party not being as committed or acknowledging there is a problem to begin with. What do we do then?

            Keep at it because loyalty? Because some sky fairy holds us to our vows?

            This is the part many advice givers do not seem to get or address. All we get is “keep at it, because you’re the man, and if you’re still miserable it’s ok,because that’s what jesus wants”
            And honestly it feels like most of these guides imply it’s our fault any way as we’re men,and men are always to blame.

            If the other party is not working, and never will, on the relation ship,what do these men do then?

          • BJ_Foster

            Sorry Rabid I didn’t mean to imply that you were suggesting divorce as a first option. That was directed towards another comment. And I appreciate what you are saying. But I think you need to understand that when a marriage gets to a place of what gonnahitcharide describes, a 500 word article is ill-equipped to solve the problems. That is why I suggested counseling. A counselor is able to get all of the information from both sides and, hopefully, trained to give wise advice. Does it always work? No. Sometimes people become so bitter and resentful they refuse to forgive or are so ego-centric and selfish they refuse to take responsibility. That doesn’t mean you don’t exhaust all options to uphold your vow. Because of loyalty? No. Because of God? If He was a part of the vow you made then yes. However, generally I would say because you made a promise and not following through on promises is a dangerous road. Are there instances where divorce is a suitable option? Yes, but neither you nor I have enough information to make that recommendation to someone in this forum. Flippantly throwing out that kind of life altering advice with only 5% or less of the information is disingenuous at best. The other party may not be working but you don’t know to what degree or why and you certainly don’t know that they “never will.” You couldn’t even say that about your own spouse let alone someone else’s. None of us knows the future. The reason it’s not addressed in this forum is because at that point of marital struggle we are moving past general advice and into a particular situation. I would need hours of data, and from both parties, not just one. Finally, I’ll agree that there is plenty of man bashing and blaming in our culture. But challenging men to look at themselves and grow is not blaming. There is no blaming in this article. No where does it say “wives feel this way because men suck.” It says, wives feel this way and this is what husbands can do to help with that. We do the same thing on our site for mom’s called imom.com and the women there say the same thing you are: “why are women always blamed for everything?!”

          • Ouch

            No. Not an ultimatum. To stay attracted to your spouse takes effort. You have to continue to find new things to love about them and find the attractive things in them. If one does that and the other doesn’t, that’s fair? For anyone who is obviously frustrated this is a situation that’s gone on for years without any real effort from the frigid spouse. Maybe if people were more honest and just say they are not attracted to you any more, and that’s unlikely to change, then better conversations could be had. But because one spouse quits on a major part of marriage and the other spouse is withering and dying more daily from lack of any intimacy, you intimate the spouse who did try is not being reasonable or demanding ultimatums? It’s heart breaking to realize the love of your life isn’t attracted to you. I adore my wife. But to know there is none of that coming back my way is a brutal and lonely existence. I’ve done it for more years than a person should. I’m sorry but a spouse who gives no intamacy is the one breaking their vows and issues an ultimatum the day they no longer wanted to touch you. The ultimatum? Love me and nurture me. Even though I won’t do that for you.

          • The toughest part in the situation is getting the wife to realize her own selfishness. Why do we always have to be at fault in the situation? Also, why do we have to pay money (counseling) for her to realize her faults? I have no problem expressing my faults. I’ve been married for almost 10 years and have yet heard my wife accept blame for any disagreement in our marriage.

          • Josh Smith


          • Barbara Colvin

            wow kristina limburg, harsh words. i have no medical reason but when it comes to sex unfortunately alot of the time its the last thing on my mind. I have 2 daughters that keep me running, we own a business that my husband runs which keeps us busy, we have a son in the navy which keeps us worrying. I do childcare in my home during the day which is stressfull but fun, we rely on God and put him first in our family. at the end of the day I can be so tired and just dont feel like it. Just because I DONT have sex with my husband all the time does not mean he needs to divorce me. We can be intimate in our talks, in hugs and kisses and intimate in a way with prayer at times. Then yes, we are intimate when we can be. we try and make it a point to schedule time for our selves when we can. Women NOR men NEED to perform. not sure what kind of man you are referring to about being sissies mine deffinately is not. mine is a wonderful and loving and understanding husband who puts God and his family first. we try and make time for us as much as we can. There are ALOT of these men out there you just need to open your eyes and find them. God doesnt say you must have sex with your spouse, God states that sex is between husband and wife. this goes both ways for men and women… yes this site is for men, but aso for us women to learn and give advice appropriately as well. we have been married 15 years and life is grand all the time…

          • Kristina Limburg

            Hi Barbara , i respect your opinion , having faith in God and how you conduct your life , but this subject has nothing to do with God , it has something to do with nature , its only natural to have sex and get joy out of it , i was talking in general how lots of women are towards their husbands but you’re talking about your own relationship with your husband , if you’re okay to have sex with your husband once a month or not have sex at all thats your life , but there are lots of men out there going through this problem and end up cheating on their wives , i stand behind what i said and will say it again , unless there is a medical problem , women need to accommodate their men or else men should walk out of that relationship , its about time women stop holding sexual favors just to control their men .

          • Will

            I don’t know that it is really even appropriate for you to be suggesting to men to get it or move on. That is the problem with this over sexual society. I guess just forget about the kids you have and any other responsibilities just so you can have some sex. That’s pretty shallow and selfish!

          • Rabid

            It’s not an over sexual society, it’s called being a human with a healthy libido. And it is more than just sex, it’s basic happiness that most are seeking by moving on. When I left my last long term partner sex was the last thing on my mind. I chose to go several years without it and focused on my children and getting my life on track.

            Everyone is different though, if you don’t like sex, fine, then find a like minded partner. Bit no one should chain down a miserable person because of some construct like loyalty and commitment. BEcause that right there becomes a two way street.

            If you’re miserable then your partner is miserable, and then the kids are miserable and so on and so forth.
            Often you don’t forget your children, you think of them and that is why you leave. Don’t need to live in the same house or be attached to the other parent to be mother or father.

            Humans are a bit more complicated than ‘just sex’.

          • Ouch

            If you do everything in your power and then some, and your wife decided she just doesn’t dug you anymore and doesn’t care about you enough to honor the vows she made before God, family and friends, why should a husband be sentenced to a life of lonely hell? My kids are grown and I have done everything. By dismissing a man as irresponsible or not fulfilling his commitments is horse hockey. She has things she commited to also. She doesn’t honor them. But she gets a pass because it may take her a little effort? Please.

          • BryanEW710

            I agree. That said, it does suck to be sitting here staring at month #2 since my wife and I last got together. This isn’t the first time we’ve gone that long. You can tell when it happens because I start sleeping less, staying up late, and start eventually having semi-fantasies that maybe she’s off doing her own thing so at least one of us is getting their jollies (knowing full well that she’s not). I often feel like I’m a distant second to the kids (mind you, she’s an AMAZING mother…I don’t know of one better–including my own mother).

          • Ouch

            Thank you again! There is no hope in a marriage where sex is used as a stick or reward. I gotta tell you, knowing I have to “perform”, that is a certain number of chores or whatever, makes sex about as appealing as a Gum Cleaning at the Dentist. The lady you responded to is not the norm. They communicate. Most just find excuses because it’s too much trouble to stay in love. Thanks from:No longer a Sissie!

          • robert p. griffin

            I believe this is true I am not perfect but take care of my boys well cook and worked for the first 10 years of the relationship many hours then I had an accident and the wife had to work while I healed from triple fusion on neck and waited 3 1/2 years for settlement now she is always tired no sex 3 months not even a reach around her excuse is I need to change myself so I quit smoking medical pot for my neck and some other requests but like I said 3 months and nothing since my second boy 8 years ago only once a month and no more head inbetween that time unless 1 minute is a great thing which she thinks is a gift from God to me (it just teases me) now I think something is wrong and want to get a girlfriend but am very sincere of a guy and Im told good looking endowed well and an artist poet but she is not interested in what I say just how clean the house is and Im sick of it all kids are 8 and 11 so I hold on for these angels who cant understand why mom gets on my case so much and yells for no reason sometimes no matter how nice I am. she has slapped me numerous times punch in the arm stomach grabbed my balls last week hard and hurt me with nails what do I do the settlement is coming soon but she thinks I should spend it on bedroom furniture and things while my plan is to open a pizza and hot wing truck as investment.
            Help me here please. I have always in the past had women attack me in lust and desire me as a lover now I am at odds and very horney so sik of merry palming

          • Paul Evans

            ….and again Kristina hits the nail on the head…

          • Joshua Burnell

            You know God isn’t real – like I get the following religion part and all but deep down you know yeah

          • Barbara Colvin

            Um, yes God is real….deep down I k ow this to be true. Sorry you don’t believe Joshua Burnell

          • Ouch

            God is very real. But thanks for sharing.

          • Ouch

            Barbara, your story is far from the norm. You communicate with your husband. You don’t use sex and any affection as a carrot or stick. Many women do. Why? Staying attracted to your spouse takes much internal effort. It’s no different with men. Many women just don’t think it’s worth the effort. And articles like this give them new tools to use as “reasons” to not be intimate. There will always be something the husband isn’t doing good enough if she’s no longer attracted to him. I’ve done everything in this article and more 10 times over because I adore my wife. I have always looked for reasons to love her more. From her? Nothing. If she’s not gonna even try what can you do? I don’t want to live whatever time I have left on this earth lonely, neglected and alone. Saddest thing is, is that if most of these women who refuse sex tried half as hard to stay in love as they do finding new reasons to not be intimate, they would get 10 times more from their husbands than they ever dreamed of. That’s just the way good men are.

          • Keith Mills

            Um I hate to tell you but god does say that your to never refuse your husband sex anytime he needs it and he is to do the same for you sexually. Then it says in the Bible also that your to be submissive to your husband in everything as he is the man the head of the household and as the Bible puts it the head of the women. Now after saying that it also admonishes that the man love the wife as God so loves the church and gave his life for it and bleed and died for it. I don’t mean he can walk in the door and be like get in the bedroom and be ready in 5 mins but if he needs it or wants it for that matter everyday then unless your sick or y’all are fasting your supposed to do your wifely duties that he be not tempted by the devil and sin and if you two have been fasting he says at the end of the fast that you two are to come back together as one least you be not tempted by the devil who is a lion going here n there all over the earth seeking whom he may destroy and he loves to destroy homes because he usually gets more than just you two he gets your kids also because no way can y’all parent as good divorced as you can together. The world says feed your dog at home or he will eat somewhere else referring to a man cheating. I am a godly man and I have no problem talking things over with my wife and we get along great and usually have sex or I prefer make love atleast 5 times a week. Then we have gone 2 weeks and not once, but the norm is like I said first. I have a high sex drive as well as she does and it don’t take but 30 mins to do a quickie if that’s all you can squeeze in today, but you need to set aside more time then. I mean it’s biblical. That’s like saying I know I am supposed to pay my 10 percent tithes to the house of the lord but well this week I can’t lord. Srry I just can’t see this happened or that. No your to trust him in all things and pay the tithes least you be stealing from God the Bible says and then it’s up to him to see whatever it is that you need gets taken care of because he said he loves a cheerful giver n then he opens up the windows of heaven it says and pours out a blessing you can’t contain. Notice he said he loves a cheerful giver. I said A CHEERFUL GIVER. YEA I KNOW IT SAYS THAT BUT YOU WE JUST DID IT LAST WEEK OR LAST NIGHT AND YOU WANT TO AGAIN ALREADY SHEESH. Don’t sound so cheerful huh ?? Oh and if your husband loves you and wears the pants in your family if he will be honest he would like more sex too. Now if he don’t wear the pants you need to give them back to him women. Oh and by the way I wasn’t picking on you or anything Barbara Colvin nor whoever you replied to I was just stating the facts of the subject. Now if you don’t like what I said plze don’t get mad at me I just typed it. Get in touch with the author Jesus Christ he is the one who said it in his word. God bless

          • mike n.

            Kristina, that’s some pretty bad advice. I think it’s the sissy who bales out and moves on. I said for better or for worse, till death do we part. Real men love their wives regardless of how life unfolds. Real men don’t abandon their families over sex. Self absorbed sissys do that because theyre the only thing that matters to themselves. Real men stay with their wives through good and bad.

          • Ouch

            For better or for worse? The wife quit long before the husband who has tried everything to keep it going. It takes effort by husband’s and wives to stay attracted to their spouse. A person has to look internally for reasons and new things to love about their spouse. If one side does that and the other finds it to much effort, you blame the one who has been putting in the effort and honoring the commitments both made before God, friends and family? I tried. She didn’t. I’m to blame? Sorry, you will find ni guilt from me when I leave in a few days. I don’t recall my vows saying “For better or worse. Unless one spouse quits trying or is no longer attracted to the other. Then you agree to live a life of zero intimacy.”.

          • mike n.

            Well, im sorry for what you’re going through. Seriously. But marriage is a life long commitment. I have to take the good with the bad. But i think Kristina’s advice is terrible. Anyone can flee from a difficult situation. It takes commitment and character to endure hardship, even in relationships. She prodded men for staying in a sexless marriage, as though it is a whimpy thing to do. I guess i feel its the oppisite. If i were a whimp i would bale. As it is, i am not a whimp, so i am commited to my mairrage, good or bad. I encourage yo to be the same way. Family is the core of society and nation. Men need to hold famlies together. That’s where i stand.

          • Ouch

            Thanks dude. Seriously thanks. I was letting off steam. Sometimes life gets a bit overwhelming. I’ve been a Christian for years, and even before that I knew quitting was never the way. Many people think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. A wise man (my dad) taught me it’s better to fertilise my own grass more and make it better. Which I will. God Bless sir! Marriage is about getting through the crummy times knowing it’s will get better, because it has already been better.

          • Paul Evans

            Fuck that shit. You obviously are not in the same situation or you don’t care about not having sex.

          • mike n.

            That’s a cop out. Pretending that you must have it harder is a cop out. Marriage is life-long. Till death do us part. In sickness or in health, for better or FOR WORSE. Only a real pansy quits because something is difficult. Dont be a pansy. Man-up!

          • Ouch

            Thank you. I have long felt that part of marriage was both spouses need to look internally for ways and reasons to continue to love and be attracted to their spouse. I stayed in a marriage for 5 years of being denied.. I could listen 25 hours a day. Do all the chores. We don’t have kids. Hour long massages. Offered therapy. Nothing. There was always another reason. I decided a few days ago to just go file for divorce. I love my wife dearly. But it’s obviously not reciprocal. If shes attracted to her husband she’ll want intimacy. Anyway I figure there might be a few women out there who will appreciate a mid 50’s guy in decent shape, who grocery shops, does laundry and ironing, can BBQ who loves sex and gives hours long massages with all the surrounding ambiance.

          • Keith Mills

            According to the Bible the man wears the pants in the marriage. That is why when Adam ate of the fruit eve gave him knowing that he was doing wrong and eve ate of it decived, but Adam so loved her that even though he knew what God had said about how they would be put outta the garden forever he still chose to eat the fruit. When God came walking as the Bible said he did with Adam then them both in the evening he called Adam not eve when he knew they had both disobeyed him. Then the Bible says that a wife is to be submissive to her husband in all things and that your body is not yours anymore but his for this cause both you and he became one. Then it says MEN I SAID MEN are to love their wives as God loves the church. I said all that to say this. Women say they want this fairytales relationship and marriage then when they find one a man who works hard and all he can to support them and now days it usually takes the wife to work and help too. I know though if you weren’t married you would be working unless you get you a sugar daddy and he is gonna treat you like he owns you and your gonna give it up to him anytime he so chooses. Back to the man though that works and don’t cheat and loves his family and children and all he wants is to know that he is truely wanted and say he does have a high sex drive like I do and just for the record my wife and I have sex or make love rather atleast 5 times a week unless one of us is sick. The thing that turns me on the most is when she comes in the bedroom and reaches under the covers and grabs my manhood and looks me in the eyes and ask me who is lucky tonight. I say me lover and she says no um I am because this is all mine always and I love the way you love me and take care of your family. I am also blessed to be able to talk to my wife or with her openly about what turns me on and she tells me if I don’t already know what it is that turns her on. We take our time most of the time making love say couple hours unless a quickie and we keep it spicy and that for us to know only srry. What gets me is to hear these women whiners saying oh if I could just find a MAN not a boy who would love me and only me and be faithful and take the time to make me feel like I was a queen and he was the luckiest man alive sounds to me like you wouldn’t know what to do with him but whine because he desires to touch your soft skin and adore your curves and make you pull the sheets off the bed and oh don’t get me started but wouldn’t kick you outta bed unless you wanted to get on the floor. Then when you have him well now he is boring and you don’t feel the way you did a yr ago. No that’s because you been listening to all these other people who have a terrible marriage and aren’t willing to budge a inch to change and want to keep doing the same thing they are doing now but expect a different outcome when all they need to do is quit listening to them other losers who don’t care about you really anyways and go talk to their husbands and let him talk to you like he used to without you acting like you just vomited in your mouth and you could work it out instead of walking out of a good marriage and probably a good man. Then hey what do I know. Happily married guy named Brian M.

          • doughboy1338

            I wish there was an I love this comment button on here! I think her response is point on. There are far too many sissy ass sensitive, crying, in touch with their feminine side, types of guys in the world today. 🤢

          • Paul Evans

            well said Kristina. My personal situation is having a mortgage, (2) teenage kids, pets, etc. otherwise i would leave today. Divorce in florida can be ugly and expensive causing bankruptcy. I am open to suggestions…

          • Paul Evans

            Thank you Kristina for chiming in with a woman’s perspective.

      • Will

        I appreciate this article as a reminder. The key that is getting lost in some of these responses is motive. If you are doing these 5 things routinely just because you care, no strings, I don’t think you will be hearing the same complaints for more. If you are doing them to get what you want you will be probably be disappointed because your heart is selfish. You don’t like it when your wife just does it with you as a chore. She does like it when caring for her is a chore.

    • Erick Stone

      I have been married for 8 years. I agree with Mj. A wife can tell a man to get his stuff together or man up, but when its her turn to woman up. I am wrong for telling her the same thing she told me. Doesnt make sense. I feel some husbands loose out in a marriage, because of the double standard some wives go by. Honestly i married my wife cause she was really into me, when that goes away. So does my feelings towards the relationship. I made the decision to marry her based on how she felt about me. If she changes then i change, its only fair. If she changes positively then i change positively same with the negative. I dont feel like its always a disconnection problem, sometimes it is. I feel its more of a personal issue within the woman, issues with how she was raised and with her character. Just like it would be if the husband was being double standard. If i dont feel attractive, then i do something about it. The responsibility lies on both to be perceptive and aware of the role or part you play in a marriage. Whoever drops the baton, should take the responsibility for dropping it, its very simple. But like history has revealed, humans tend to make things more complicated than working towards keeping it simple. Sex is simple, i cant find a good excuse for not having sex other than she has lost the want to please her husband or see him happy the way he wants to be, just like the way she wants to be happy. If my wife asks for something i try to makes sure i give her what she wants the way she wants it. I feel it should be the same for the wife towards her husband. I am at the point that if another woman gives me the attention i seek, that i will most likely get a divorce. Thats not the route i would like to go, at the same time i cant keep expecting or hoping for something thats not happening or is not going to happen. I have one life and i would like to enjoy it, or get the most out of it as possible. Best advice i can give a wife is, think about sex often or alot. Just like you think about other things you want be good at. I see alot of wives entertain gossip, entertain sex just the same way. Sex will help the relationship, gossip will just make others look bad. I use that example because its what i see around me the most. This is not intended to offend or disrespect women in any way. I am just in a marriage where i am experiencing the double standard that some wives show towards some husbands.

  • atworkforu

    This is the most bitch advice I’ve ever seen.

  • into the melee

    Women do not have “less sexual desire.” Women’s bodies experience desire differently from men’s. If she doesn’t want it, you need to figure out why the sex is bad, not chalk it up to frigidity. I want it every day, but not if I’m going to be frustrated by a failed orgasm. What makes me feel insecure is feeling that every sexual mood I happen upon forces me to represent my entire gender–that’s dehumanizing, reducing me to an archetype and then enforcing preconceptions on my sexuality. It’s extremely destructive to marriages to advise men–who don’t know they can just ask the unique human individual sleeping next to them what she wants–to treat her like one giant biologically determinist uterus. It’s also dehumanizing to men to insist that they prefer sex to emotional connection. It’s a great way to enhance emotional connection–we all think so. But how I, uniquely, look at sex? You can’t tell that by looking at my genitalia.

    As a side note to “doomed,” I know that at first glance it seems the internet offers only opportunities for passing on the wealth of information you’ve learned about sociology from the dark crevices of Reddit. But you can also find a number of reliable purveyors of penis enhancement technology. Good luck.

  • chuckdaly

    The problem with articles like this is, they only state the obvious. Men who notice a lack of sex in their marriage assume and try to remedy all of these issues, long before they seek the help of the internet. A wife with a normal libido will only go a short time (Not including times of childbirth/pregnancy) without sex, before she pursues her husband to satisfy her own sexual needs. If you are going weeks and months without sex, no amount of “Choreplay” will bring the sexy back. At this point you have to have an adult conversation about expectations of sex in the relationship, and to created a plan (Not Promises) to rememdy the problem to both parties satisfaction. If talks start to breakdown, then cheating and divorce will start to look appealing.

    • doomed

      You need to have those conversations from the very beginning of the relationship.

      Make it clear what you expect from a relationship and what will happen if those expectations are not met and then follow through with it.

      This is the problem people waiting until it is too late to tell their partner what they want, by the time it gets there it’s usually already too late.

      • chuckdaly

        I agree with you, but given that almost zero couples discuss the expected frequency of sex in a relationship before committing, its kinda useless to bring it up after the fact.

        • doomed

          If you do not learn from your mistakes don’t make them. :p

          The only time it is useless to bring up is if you’re 100% sure the relationship is over for you.

          Surely it is better to bring it up after the fact and attempt to fix it than never bring it up and be guaranteed miserable.
          If you’re not going to make the effort let me tell you no-one is going to make it for you.

          Your choice to make the effort or give up. Like all freewill you’re the one who gets to live with your decision.
          If you do not speak up you will not be heard as contrary to what many would have us believe, womenfolk aren’t psychic.

          But yes if you feel it is not worth the conversation for you I hope you or your partner are making plans to walk out the door asap for both your sakes.

      • Layla

        You and Chuck are so right! This should be included in where are we going to live and how many kids do you want… all those things that shouldn’t be a surprise after the fact. I think men enter a marriage covenant with the expectation that there will be frequent sex, and in my opinion, they should. But I also think that for some women, once the first few years (or sadly even sooner) has passed, or the children come along, they simply lose interest, and won’t be swayed. I think they think ‘what’s the big deal’, where for men, it’s a very big deal. Both parties need to be willing to sacrifice and that means sometimes doing it when you don’t want to. Even when you are tired, or don’t feel like your body is very presentable, or there is housework to finish. I can tell when my husband is headed in that direction (even a day ahead) and I take the queue and get my mind right (if it isn’t already), so that when the advance happens.. I’m ready. (The Bible even speaks to this in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.)

        • doomed

          Yes we men are terrible at hiding the fact of when we’re getting frisky from our partners. Not that we should hide it or need to.

          The worst part of it is from personal observation these same too tired women with no sexual drive or desire always seems to get their mojo back literally overnight when they end up leaving their husband or decide to have an affair.
          Amazed at how many woman are bragging about being in some new guys pants on facebook within a week of leaving their long term partners they were just telling the world how much they loved.
          Kind of goes against all reasoning of why the sexual intimacy dries up they give.

          It is honestly an awful time in our history to be a male, especially a Caucasian one when it comes to many things especially monogamous relationships.
          But then again it’s only become this way because we’ve allowed it and refuse to do anything about it.
          Once more men decide to take back control of their lives and women realise their life is pretty damn good you’ll start seeing more solid relationships and equally happy couples out there.

          Time to get back to nature over nuture for the sake of everyones sanity and happiness.

          • CJ

            Amen to that!

          • Paul Evans

            Well said sir

    • CJ

      Been there, tried that, didn’t work.

  • Exploitationist

    Facepalm after facepalm! Wow. Reading this as I am a stay at home dad, doing all the aforementioned “wifey duties” raising kids the cooking the cleaning. Yet from the advice of this article I’m supposed to do all that and show praise to the wife?

    Talk about having your cake and eating it too…

    • Emily Green

      Hey, I wrote a reply I think you should read. I think the problem with this is that men are getting sex advice from me with no inclusion from women. Also, women like to talk about their problems, if you give than an opportunity to talk about their issues they will open up.

      • Trevor

        No they don’t

      • CJ

        I agree with Trevor. I am a sensitive, emotional guy who listened and stood by his wife during all her mother and girlfriend problems and it didn’t help my marriage at all. She actually saw me more as weak and not strong, she quit respecting me, she disconnected, she wasn’t there for me when I was going through my own trials and struggles in life. And now my marriage is nothing more tHan and she’ll of itself.

  • UniqueDahl

    From a woman’s point of view-
    These are all great reasons, but you left one out: Imagine…
    You’ve set the mood – candlelight, a quiet dinner, the in-laws have the kids for the night, you’ve said all the right things and it looks like you’re going to score… and then you pass gas or burp. Seriously, I know marriage is supposed to be “freeing” from all bodily constraints, but nothing kills a romantic mood for a woman more than smelly bodily eruptions.
    Just an FYI for men.

    • Mike

      If only it was that simple, then no one would be reading this.

    • Bill

      I keep hearing this same thing from articles like this but I’ve tried this numerous times. My wife doesn’t even like it when I hug her or give her. I know she’s faithful and a good mom. We have fun together but it’s not there and she admits its not me.

      • Trevor

        Women hate men and use them as sperm donors and to pay for everything. It’s that simple. Once they have you by the marital balls, there’s no reason for them to put out anymore. The solution is to never, ever, get married and make sure you warn your sons and any single guys you know to avoid marriage like the plague and be extremely careful around women. They are vultures.

    • Roger Dodger

      I don’t do that, stop making excuses.

    • gonnahitcharide

      Right, and women never pass gas or smell bad or burp while kissing, or don’t groom at all (I realize this is a matter of preference, and I’m NOT talking about fully shaving or anything. Just keep things tamed a little). In case you didn’t know, I’m being sarcastic here.

  • Kasey Marrs

    My wife recently went through breast cancer, and numerous rounds of chemo caused premature menopause. Her libido disappeared. All of the above reasons are valid, but sometimes its definitely health related, or hormone related.

  • XFollower

    My wife recently went through breast cancer, and numerous rounds of chemo caused premature menopause. Her libido disappeared. All of the above reasons are valid, but sometimes its definitely health related, or hormone related. Also, I wonder what impact mobile devices have on a couple’s intimate life?

  • Mike

    “…her appetite might not have been as high as yours and probably never will be.”
    The story of my life. And which closes the coffin lid on all the touchy-feely nonsense written here and just about everywhere else.

  • Thomas Walton

    Me and my wife don’t have kids and she can’t have kids, We been together 9 years now sex was great for 2-3 years then it all went to hell. I know she’s not cheating and I’m not cheating (but have been thinking about it a lot lately) I don’t know how she feels on it cause she don’t let me in anymore.I’m up most nights tossing and turning cause I just want to rip her cloths off and go at it over and over till we are tired,but I feel every time we have sex now she’s just doing me a favor and can’t wait till its over idk wat to do anymore I have complained about it for years but just keeps getting worse. I’m depressed as all hell and I know she is to. But I’m depressed because of how things are and for me I know one way to make it better SEX.

  • Joseph Wade

    It’s simple….. If she dont then simply go find another that will please you.

  • Singh Darren

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  • Blake

    But if you actually speak with a woman, you would know most wives don’t want sex because they aren’t orgasming from it. It’s bad. It’s all about the man. Make the sex about her. Pretend you’re a lesbian. Give her multiples. It’s not brain surgery.

    • Bill

      Please, If it were only that easy. I would love to do that for my wife every time because it makes it better for me but she doesn’t want it. I’m sorry Blake but your situation must be different. Good for you.

    • Rabid

      Always blame the man, we’re meant to be psychic apparently.
      Women should be clear about what they want and how they want it. Problem solved.

  • Sam Snead

    This is useless advice.

  • Pat McRotch

    She needs IDBJ – in da butt justice

  • Toni

    I’ve had an interesting read of all the comments and I need you guys thougts on if the situation is reverse. I’m a wife that loves intimacy and I am only getting it every two to three weeks. The sex was super hot and heavy while dating and along came marriage that changed everything. We did not have any kids for the first 10 years of the maariage, so this can’t be the issue. The sex doesn’t feel like a favor but a chore. He says that he’s in love with me and wants our marriage, but nope to the physical stuff. What are your thoughts gentlemen?

    • Bill

      I have not idea which is why I’m reading this article. He’s crazy in my mind. 🙂

    • Rabid

      Not enough info. And the reasons could be many.
      We don’t like to admit it but we all change as we age, we get older, we get grumpier, our weight changes, our health status changes, hair colour changes, we may have health problems we didn’t used to have, we may moan more about things, we may be on auto pilot without realising it, we may age gracefully, we may age disgracfully.
      Many many things change.
      And sometimes some people just no longer have any drive or desire for sex. Quite a normal thing that occurs in many men and women.

      I would be starting with myself before looking at him. What has changed with you in the last 10 years, then what has changed with him in that period?

      Then you need to sit him down and talk to him. Without communication you’re doomed before you start.

      I have a favourite saying “Loving someone and living with them are two different things.”
      He more than likely still loves you, as much as if not more than the day you first met.
      But, and yeah there is always a but, do you still appeal to him sexually?

      I’ve been there, on both ends of the stick, still find my partner sexually attractive and loved them, but they only loved me back. Had the partner still love me and want to make love every other day and I loved them back, but the sex appeal had just gone.

      It happens.

      What matters is discussing it and seeing where you’re at, and where you’re headed from this point.
      He has to tell you upfront what is really going on, even if he thinks it may hurt your feelings and you have to be prepared for it.
      Then you have to work on a solution.

      Is his lack of sexual drive for you fixable?
      If not are you prepared to accept it?

      Is sex an important part of a relationship for you? If it is non-negotiable you may have to just call it quits and move on.

      Some people go to open relationships, where the heart and mind are their partners but sex is sourced from outside the home.
      (Must be very confident in the relationship for this one but I have seen it work.)

      There could be a billion causes, and a billion solutions, could be no solutions. But unless you discuss it fully and honestly with the only person who can provide you answers, your husband, you’ll never know. We random internet denziens most definitely won’t have the answers you seek unless we’re flies on your wall.
      Best we can off is advice. Anyways best of luck, I hope you find a solution that works and you and the rest of you family have a very happy life.

      Again, cannot stress enough. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!!!

  • Emily Green

    Hey, i was looking to find an article to send to my husband because he’s a bit sensitive to this subject and I haven’t been able to find one that really covers why these things happen, so i’m gonna be really honest… wifes don’t want to do it anymore because sex isn’t fun anymore. All of the awesome things that you use to do it bed stopped and it’s become a chore, a the best and at the very least an exercise in sustaining an uncomfortable/painful experience that offers us NO pleasure. If you want your wife to have sex more, you have to step your game up. All the things you use to do when you were dating you stopped doing, and when we bring it up we get nothing but excuses about how tired you are, foreplay takes to long, the kids are too active or whatever other excuse you have for going from having a Grade A skill set to boning like it’s your first time and you’re drunk. That’s one of the major reasons why we don’t like to have sex. You stink at it now.

    • Trevor

      I bet you stopped BJs the second after you got married. What are YOU doing to improve the sex life situation. I know, absolutely nothing. I bet you love spending his money.

  • Stephanie

    Actually for most all women I know it is because you guys don’t give us an orgasm and we get tired of that.

    • Rabid

      and do you tell guys how to make you orgasm or like many women do you expect men to be psychic?

      Just like every man, every woman is different, possibly more so due to more complicated plumbing. What works for one person may not work for another.

      Me I always make my partners orgasm and before I do as good guys do finish last :p

      But why has every women I have ever had sex with orgasmed every time? Because I got them to tell me what they want done and they did. I told them to correct me mid stroke if needed and they did.

      Seriously this is the problem with the world, it’s always everyone elses fault. We need to relearn how to be accountable for ourselves.

      Next time a guy aint getting the job done, tell him how to get it done, don’t expect he is picking up on your telepathic messages because he isn’t.
      Many guys want to make their women happy in the sack, if you’re not happy they aren’t either. They may seem happy but that is probably because you haven’t told them you weren’t happy so they think they did a good job.

      I mean how simple is that? The best solutions usually are the simplest and common sense ones.

    • Roger Dodger

      Funny. It’s not that. It’s a power thing because the “P” holds a lot of power. I’m all over the wife getting orgasms, but we don’t even get to that point because she’s too “tired.”

      Come on, stop with the excuses and games already.

  • Driven 2015

    I met my wife 14 years ago. We were both 20. When we met she had a son. He was almost 2 years old. His biological father had notnothing to do with him. When I met my wife I knew what I was getting into as far as a relationship her and her son. After 2 years of dating and literally seeing eachother everyday. I decided to ask her to marry me. We were so in love and I loved her and my step son so much. We were engaged for a year and then married. It was a dream come true. She was waiting for her Prince charming and it was me and I was waiting for that special woman and it was her. After marriage things changed alot as far as being affectionate goes. It has been disappearing over the last 12 years since marriage. I have the best relationship with my step son who I call my son. He is 15 now and is so smart and funny:)!! Me and him are like brothers. Lol even his mom drives him crazy alot too:)! Me and him laugh about it. My wife and I are 35 and are young. Just wish things were different like wgen we were dating. Sex isn’t everything in a marriage but it is there for a reason and that is to keep couples more attached to eachother The more there is in a relationship the stronger it is. I hope things get better. Cause she is the only I want or I would have left her a long time ago. For better or worse. I am sticking to my vows. It’s just getting old.

  • Jillybean

    I can tell you as a woman who loves sex and has a high libido, I longer want to have sex with my boyfriend of two years because he’s horribly selfish in bed. There is no foreplay and he finishes after five minutes. Did I mention how incredibly painful it is for most women to have sex with no foreplay? Perhaps there are two other possibilities for a woman not wanting to have sex (other than the five listed): sex is painful and/or her partner is terrible in bed. I know I give in and have sex once every two or three weeks now, but I hate it. I usually end up pleasuring myself five or six times a week.

  • Roger Dodger

    Sorry, but this has got to be the most ridiculous and moronic article I have read on this issue. I have done all that is suggested for years, all I got was a low self esteem.

    Seriously, you need to grow some cajones brother.

    Women act like it’s all about them, we gotta kiss their butts, be extremely sensitive to everything, light candles. Give me a break. This is embarrassing to read.

    I love working my tail off and coming home to do dishes, put the kids to sleep, do chores after a long ass day of work while the wifey is out with her friends driving them around in the brand new car I bought her.

    “F” that.

    What a waste.

  • screaminscott

    She basically needs to suck it up and fix herself.. She’s broken.

    If the guy isn’t a slob (fat, bad hygeine, etc), and hasn’t had an affair, and isn’t abusive, then it’s HER problem.

    I’m in that situation. No sex for a decade. No kissing beyond a peck. Nothing.

    Yeah, I gained weight, then I lost it. Nope, that didn’t help. Was more attentive for a few months. Nothing.

    Now basically I work and watch TV with her and take care of our child. We’re roommates.

    I’m tellin you, the minute some other woman pays attention to me, I’m all over that. Yeah it will be messy and painful and our child will have to deal with a divorce. But it will be HER FAULT.

    • Going Strong

      Good Post – exemplifies, almost to the letter, my situation. For neither of us is it a first marriage. Met – fell in love (she, allegedly), married at age 47. Initial life together was bliss – I was never more happy, having given my heart and soul to her.
      At the 10 year point, she pulled back – shut herself off physically and emotionally. After years of attempting to pursue cause to the effect, she rejected all forms of improvement – including counseling.
      Roll forward 10 years (come May of 2017), we’ll have been married 20 years. We have not made love for 10 years. Her decision, not mine. My continued overtures have fallen on deaf ears. It is only within the past month that I was finally able to convince her how critical it is for her to be open and honest.
      The “open, honest” approach was not embraced, but she has finally become open to the concept. What I’ve discovered is her unwillingness/inability to bury her daughter – whom she lost when her daughter was 14 years old. As such, she has confessed that her ability to love was lost when her daughter died. This, she declared, is why she indicated – years ago – she doesn’t believe she ever really loved me. She simply saw me as an oasis from the desert of being a single mother for 13 years.
      We live in the same house. We share our financial/tangible resources. She’s stated that her desires/needs are 1) peace, 2) touching, 3) kisses, and 4) being able to coexist in our daily life together. This is the sum of her list.
      She wants us to continue to sleep in the same bed, naked, so she can feel the closeness. I have consented, to date, to give this to her. There is no discussion about my wants – needs – desires; only hers.
      At age 67, I face a remaining life such as I’ve presented here. I no longer discuss “us” in any conversation. There is no “us,” in the way I believe a husband and wife should live. I could leave, but it would be a financial hardship. I could leave, but she – in all other respects – a really good person. She’s generous, hard-working, has a huge heart for anyone in need (just not me). We’re compatible as to social activities.
      I consider us roommates – companions. I give; she takes. I enjoy her company through turning off the “me” part of the connection. I use the term “connection” because I don’t consider us to be in a relationship. It assuredly is NOT a marriage.
      I stay because, on May 27, 1997, I took her for better and for worse; for richer and for poorer; in sickness and in health; until death us do part.
      She killed any love she may have felt for me. She’s used minor character flaws in me as excuses to withdraw. Though I’ve heard her – and modified my behavior, to eliminate the excused – there’s been no willingness on her part to shift her thought pattern and attitude.
      At my age, and through my experience in the past 10 years, I am worn out – emotionally fatigued – and have simply surrendered. My life will be loveless, sexless. I am remanded to a life full of holes that my heal, but never close. As the line from an animated movie states “It’s my Lot in Life. It’s not a Lot, but It’s a Life!”

      • Just a guy

        Going Strong – I’m not in any relationship now, or have been since the divorce 7 years ago, but I might suggest “The Love Dare”. It’s a great book/plan to reconnect. This is to assume you want a reconnect. Also, “Bug’s life” is the name of the movie and Phyllis Diller was the old ant that said it.

      • gonnahitcharide

        I’ll just say one thing….you get one life. ONE. To remain unhappy and unloved because of a vow made seems silly. You’re giving up YEARS, your LIFE, over some words that felt right AT THE TIME.

        If your wife changed her behavior, attitude, and love towards you, surely you can change as well by not adhering to the words “for better or worse”.

        Remember too that those typical marriage vows were made up at a time when people lived into their mid-30’s, not their 70’s or 80’s.

        • dave roms

          I agree.

  • don9ja

    Amazing one here,great,great article

  • Kristina Limburg

    women is to blame in this case , we are very sexual until we get what we want and while after we give up on sex and start competing with other women about our looks .

    • Trevor


      You are awesome. I didn’t think there was a woman out there like you!

      • Kristina Limburg

        I’m not married but i see how lots of married women how they treat their husband once they get married and i don’t like it , my mother still treats my father like a king and my father does everything for her , this is how marriages should be , women need to forget the ” equal right ” bs and let men treat women like a queen once again .

        • Lil Chick

          My husband and I are into equal rights and I treat him like The King not A King.

          A man should be loving and a woman respectful.

          This has to do with individuals not an entire gender male or female.

  • Erina

    This article has some great points. Keep up the good work.

  • ThinkAboutIt

    Really, exhausted. Can’t just lie back and enjoy a husband. She doesn’t have to do anything but relax. What a lame excuse. Men get exhausted at work, esp physical work. We take a 15 min break and we have to go back to work. Women can disregard a marriage for a number of things. When they disrespect their husbands over mere exhaustion and can enjoy just relaxing during sex, it’s absurd! Disrespect, avoid long enough and I say to men -” Chuck that marriage. Get the hell out. You’ll be frustrated forever.”

  • Kristina Limburg

    I must be honest here and disagree with this article , i am a women , although not married yet , women need to change the way we are , everything with us is emotional , ieee it with my family members and friends , women are emotional even with their children , men may have other faults but please don’t blame this one on the men , not fair .

  • Fakeer

    Sex is a complete seller’s market. Always was and always will be. Morons blaming on feminism are just lost. Demand far, far, far exceeds supply (e.g. ashely madison is 95% male, 5% bots). So it’s not the “responsibility” of a woman to satisfy you as a part of some marital contract. She’s just being nice to your horny ass. Sometimes. So STFU and enjoy what you can get it. Or convert to a religion that provides for on-demand spreading of legs.

  • Paul Phillips

    I think you’ve brought up some key issues. Husbands also need to be our wives encouragers and not there critics. Unfortunately, it is so easy for us guys to criticize our wives especially when things aren’t going the way we want them.

  • Tim

    So many of you are blaming the author instead of seeing the article for what it really is. It is intended to help men understand that women have different priorities and desires then men. It is intended to help strengthen a marriage and help both partners attain a higher level of satisfaction with their marriage and relationship. To all those out there that are using this forum to attack the author, grow up! No one is forcing you to read this or take action on the suggestions in the article. Haven’t you ever heard the saying “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? It may be elementary, but it is true. I guarantee that the men and women who wrote negative comments are the ones with the biggest relationship challenges. Seriously, take your negativity elsewhere!

    • gonnahitcharide

      The author wrote the article which was posted on a website that many men subscribe to. The post has an open comment section, “for better or worse”, and the author seems to welcome any comments.

      With so many men commenting about how they have tried the suggestions to no avail, there is good reason to uprise and state an opposite opinion. I myself have gone through the very same things in my marriage, having tried all the suggestions. They have not worked. Could it just be coincidence that so many marriages end up in the same boat or could it be that for many, the advice falls flat, perhaps because of the woman? (whose side we have not heard, to be fair)

  • Jeffrey Reynolds

    MJ has a point, which also occurred to me in reading the article. Perhaps the #1 reason above all why women (the proper term should be “wives” not women in general) don’t want sex is because they choose not to obey all the purposes for marriage which God has for them. The relevant scripture is 1 Cor 7:3-5, which clearly states that providing sex for your husband (or in the rare case of a husband who is less interested in sex than the wife, for the wife) is not optional and should not be based on the whims or emotional state of the wife. I realize it would be easy to abuse those verses, but in the proper context, a wife should simply understand that providing sex to her husband–who is striving to be faithful to her for his entire life–is not a special dispensation or to be reserved as a reward for extra special behavior but a matter of obedience to God and an expression of love which the husband desperately needs on a regular basis. I have been married for 30 years and have concluded that above all the other reasons (some of the biggest ones listed in the article), this is the key, at least for Christian spouses. Of course the advice of the article has some good take-aways, but obedience to God–and the clear word of God on this issue–is the key.

  • MA

    I agree 100% that women only use sex as a tool. glad to know that I am not the only shmuck who got the old “bait & switch”!
    To all the guys thinking of getting married, Don’t do it!!! Buy a boat!

  • Spencer Mitchell

    BJ, thanks for your thoughtful advise, this topic, like many can be dig into old wounds. I agree that forcing or pushing others into something is not manly, it just being a bully. This article was a good conversation starter for me and my wife.

    • BJ_Foster

      Thanks Spencer!

  • Will

    I think it comes down to motive if you are looking after your wives needs and feelings just to have sex than your heart is wrong and there will be no change. If you truly care about the relationship and each other’s happiness those things will come natural as well as the sex.

    • Jeffrey Reynolds

      That’s an outstanding point–and the Christian perspective. We need to live by Ephesians 5 and other scriptures that speak to us laying down our lives for our wives, loving them as our own bodies. But the whole premise of having to move heaven & earth to get sex from the wives we married–the only person on the planet a faithful Christian man can legitimately (without sin) engage in sex with (and porn is also excluded)–also is problematic. The answer, I believe, is what I wrote below in reference to 1 Cor 7:3-5: “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” If wives would simply comply with God’s word on this most important matter, there would be a LOT less divorce and MANY more happy marriages!

      • Layla

        Amen! And can we agree to say “If spouses would simply comply with God’s word…” since there are couples that suffer this in reverse.

        • Jeffrey Reynolds

          Layla, you are totally right about that–my apologies if that sounded male-centric. I did point out elsewhere in that comment and my previous one recently that this is a 2-way street. I’ve just never heard personally of a wife who does not get nearly enough sex from her husband, but I hear about men not getting nearly enough sex from their wives ALL the time. But you have a good point and it is well-taken.

      • Tim Johnson

        “But the whole premise of having to move heaven & earth to get sex from the wives we married–the only person on the planet a faithful Christian man can legitimately (without sin) engage in sex with (and porn is also excluded)–also is problematic.”

        This is the main point of the problem. I’d bet that 99% of the time, Christian men search out answers online and come across articles like this because of this problem. If the standard list advice actually worked, that’d be great! But the premise of, “the husband must lead”, is true only if he has someone to lead. If the husbands move heaven and earth to be better husbands for their wives, but the wives don’t follow the lead and do their part, then where does that leave the Christian husband with no where else to turn? There seems to be a double-standard. High, almost unreachable expectations for the husband, but no expectations for the wives. Most every article I’ve read is slanted this way (even ones written to women), every church I’ve been to browbeats the husbands while leaving little to no responsibility to the wives, if the topic is discussed at all. It’s frustrating. Remember the “Promise Keepers” movement from years ago which turned out men by the thousands promising to be true to
        their wives? I was young then, but looking back at it now, I wonder how many were there trying desperately to find answers to this problem?
        Was there a similar conference for wives?
        Husbands aren’t supposed to cheat on their wives, but aren’t wives in a way, cheating on their husbands with themselves if they’re not holding up their part of the intimate covenant in marriage?

        • Jeff

          Tim, thanks for the support on this point. You are also making some excellent and true points. It is wrong and generally selfish for wives to make it so difficult for their committed, hard-working husbands to have a reasonable amount and quality of sex. In my opinion, marriage is the hardest assignment anyone can ever be given, and it is possible to do it well only with the help, grace, wisdom and power of God. More than anything else, it is marriage that has broken me and driven me to the cross, and I’m a different man because of that than I would have been had I not been (or stayed) married. Nevertheless, that does not justify, nor should we husbands be complacent in accepting, poor treatment by our wives in the area of sexual intimacy. Everyone, as you have said so well, tends to defend the women and come up with excuses (as this author seems to have) as to why they don’t “want to” have sex. But it’s no secret to women how much their husbands all want and need it, so if they are not prioritizing it and not willing to be responsive to their husband’s amorous advances, it may be due to selfishness, lack of love, or even a desire to punish or hurt the husband. As one author put it on this subject, wives should never use sex to punish or manipulate their husbands. It is our “conjugal right” as Paul lays it out so clearly in 1 Corinthians 7. I agree, men need to stand up and deal with this issue, and counseling may be required if wives are not amenable to their input on this. I don’t know if I could agree that divorce may be justified for this reason, since I don’t see that (at least not at all clearly) in scripture, but I will admit it would be impossible not to seriously consider it in such situations as some of the other guys have written in this forum (as in no sex for 10 years and such). And you make a great point raising the question as to why there seem to be no or very rare women’s conferences or forums to encourage wives to do all that God is calling them to do in their marriages, especially with regard to their husbands?

  • Rotton fish

    Sadly in this case it was an issue of a 30+ year porn addicted husband leading to a physical affair lasting over 5 years w/ his secretary. It’s a bit difficult for a wife to want intimacy with a husband who didn’t want her until he was caught with all his sexual sin and addictions during the entire marriage.

  • mike n.

    This is all good advice, and I appreciate it. The suggested responsive steps are all good, and i think they’re important and should be practiced. However none of these actions have resolved the physical distance between me and my wife. I’m going on 7 years now, of a physically stagnant marriage. I believe marriage is something you don’t bail on; for better or for worse, love honor and cherish, till death do you part. So im in it for the rest of my life. But its like im living with a friend. And it is difficult and depressing. Sometimes i get mad. Im frustrated with her. Sometimes i resent her. Other times I accept the way things are. That’s where im at. I just wanted to share.

  • mike n.

    By the way, when i said 7 years of a physically stagnant marriage, i mean 100%. It’s been a slow progression to this point that started about 15 years ago. Ive made many attempts in the past to change things…doing the things suggested in the article. But this is where i am at anyway.

  • Ouch

    As with most articles, this is about as useful as a Poopie flavored lollipop. No man can fix his wife’s mental issues. The reality is unless there’s some real physical problem, they don’t want sex because they don’t want sex with their husband. They don’t dig them anymore and we have an army of shrinks selling billions of dollars of books so she doesn’t feel guilty and he’s not suicidal. Marriage means you gotta look inside to find ways and reasons to still love and stay attracted physically to your spouse. If you don’t, forget the books and articles. Get a divorce cuz it’s done.

  • Gladyher

    This is exactly why men don’t know how to get what they want and realize how much a woman is needed that men can’t be alone. You men disagree but are looking for answers when there in your face even your wife would tell you exactly what’s wrong or why she doesn’t want to have sex and men just don’t listen looking for answers when it’s right there. Just take the answers and find solutions. Me and my husband been together for 5 years have two boys. We used to always have sex before any of the kids was born. Why because men was doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for it. Then man get comfortable way to comfortable and lay back and feel woman legs should be open all the time just cause we are together lol no. Men we value our body just as much as y’all value ours and we can’t just give some thing up and feel empty in nothing in return. Sex doesn’t satisfy us like sex satisfy men. What satisfy us is feeling your presents making your self noticeable I’m sorry but many men just come home to laying around while the woman is busy around the house seeing her man actually able to eat in peace and rest better then the woman. Our job is 24/7 in and out of the house because of the kids. Tell me who feels comfortable being horny hearing your little ones cry, talk, fissing and a chance they would knock at the door while your having sex. Woman are turned off by that and no longer care about sex. Kids are a priority and need us. Men long to produce (sex) while woman long to nourish (mother). The one thing that also get to me is that I don’t even have to touch my husband to turn him on his already turned on which makes me feel like I’m not responsible of that. Now if just looking at us attracts you towards us we’ll get attached to what we need from you. If you men see us busy jump in don’t ask if we need help just don’t it. Sorry but we would not put a broom down to pleasure your body, when y’all can’t even put the TV remote or phone down to even talk to us for example. So when y’all men decide to move on with some one else tell me if you would try to impress her make her laugh and make her feel good or just act like she needs to open her legs because you like her? Exactly men stop being so comfortable in the relationship you done bond with us we don’t feel connected we don’t want to get fucked by you. In some cases some burdens and the past does make some grudges and pain stopping both from bonding.

  • Tim Johnson

    Thrilled to read about other guys tired of the same-ol “50 things guys need to do. Zero things wives need to do” advice columns. This is particularly true in most if not all of the Christian boards I’ve come to, desperately hoping to read something that works. I love my wife, I want only her, but she started turning me down on our honeymoon. 12 years and two kids, and thousands of prayers later, she still turns me down. So much so that I’ve practically given up asking. We both work and kids are tough, I get that. But there comes a point when the wife needs to get with the program. If I can’t enjoy my wife, then who can I enjoy? Oh ya…no one. I’m a faithful provider? Check. Cleans the house while she lays on the couch? Check. Appreciates the homework and bath time she does with the kids? Check. Compliment her on her looks? Check. Dishes? Check. Trash out? Check. Grumpy because having sex 2-3 times a year in a good year and I’m supposed to like it? Check. Tired of being treated like a pervert because I want to look at her parts? Check. Sick and tired of reading article after article blaming the man for not doing the laundry list of things to “help” his wife while expecting nothing in return, and getting nothing in return? Double Check. Tired of hearing talk after talk at church about how men need to control themselves while putting no responsibility on the women? You bet. “Join the men’s group at church”. Been there, talked about how we need to be better to our wives while expecting nothing from them. Done that. “Take her out for a date and don’t expect anything when you get home. Watch how she’ll come to you.” Did that, watched for her, she never came. “Try talking to her about it.” Got yelled at for bringing it up. “Try to understand her tiredness and stress”. Sorry, thought being with the man who loves her dearly might reduce her stress. Silly me. Counseling? Been there done that. Leave her? No way. I love her despite all this, and I would never leave our kids. Celibate Christian marriage? I guess that’s what I get. At least my wife doesn’t have to take any responsibility for it because the husband must lead. Good for her.

    • BJ_Foster

      Sorry Tim. That sounds really rough. I just wanted to be clear that this article is not intended to blame men or absolve women from any responsibility. On our sister site imom.com we challenge women just as we do men on this site. In fact, here is an article on this subject on iMOM. http://www.imom.com/4-things-you-can-do-when-youre-not-in-the-mood/#.WcF_WbJ96Cg

      I am curious to know a couple of things. Why do you think she got so mad when you tried to talk to her about it? And when you say “counseling, been there, done that,” what happened?

      • Tim Johnson

        Thank you for responding. I will look at the other article. I can’t get much out of her as to why she gets mad, other then she just wants to be left alone about it. With counseling, the counselors we’ve seen were female, and although the conversation went there a few times with my lead, neither counselor was able to grasp the male perspective and therefor did not place much importance on it other than reminding me to be nice and give my wife her space. What I miss the most is not the physical act of sex, but the validation and closeness that comes with it. I’ve tried to express that even if we do other sexy, non-intercourse activities, or if she understood how much her understanding of my needs would fill up my emotional bank account, I could be OK with that. However, it’s not to be. Maybe when the kids are older and not so much of a burden, but that’s a long time to wait. Especially when she finds time for TV or other “wind down” night time activities that fit her desires. Right now, I feel like I’m just “something else on the schedule”. My needs/requests/God-given desires just don’t rank very high. It’s tough to swallow since I truly do love her with all my heart.

        • BJ_Foster

          I hear you, especially about the validation. I’m really sorry to hear that Tim. I wonder how she would respond if you asked her how she would feel if she brought up something important to her and you got mad and wanted to be left alone about it. Have you asked her? It’s also interesting that the counselor was reminding you to be nice. Have there been times that your wife has perceived you as not nice? Not making any assumptions, just trying to get a lay of the land.

          • Tim Johnson

            Yes, I have asked her something to that effect multiple times. The result used to be sorrow from her that she can’t do better, but in the recent years she just puts up a wall and doesn’t want to hear about it. I’ve since stopped asking because there’s no point. She does have health issues that restrict her desire, but my understanding of God’s plan for marriage is that it isn’t all about her. As I’ve stated previously, it’s not just the lack of sex. If there was any physical closeness there I wouldn’t be so frustrated, but there’s not. No kissing except for a peck if I ask for one. No hugs without my prompting, no intimate playfulness, etc.

            I’m confused by the question “Have there been times that your wife has perceived you as not nice?” Of course there have been. To suffer for years with this kind of rejection makes one not nice at times. Despite my best efforts to bury the emotional damage, I’m only human. But being nice or not doesn’t change her desire. Even on days where I’m happy and everything is great, night comes and I lay in bed silently hoping and praying and suffering, and 99% of the time I’m left just laying there.

  • mike n.

    To every man on this site with a family…life can be difficult in a lit of ways. But life and marriage is bigger than sex. Im not done playing sex. Its important…extremely important. But it cant be the sole reason we marry. Are our children simply a byproduct? What example do we set if we walk away from our marriage over sex? Do we want weak, feeble marriages for our sons and daughters? Would you like your daughters husband to abandon her because she didnt give him enough? And what about grand children? Gramps baled on gramma over sex? Sex is important. But it can’t be more important than family. And who knows…maybe God will restore your marriage in time. And since the sex drive depletes to a good degree as we age, even nature itself says sex is not the most important part of marriage. Couple in their 70’s 80’s 90’s are definitely not doing it every otber day. Theyve moved on to other things in life. Dont quit marriage. Life is bigger than your sex drive and 10 minutes of pleasure. This too shall pass. And you wont live regretting that you did not put your family first. Even your wife. Forgiveness and love covers a multitude of sin. Dont give up.

    • TimJohn

      I don’t think anyone is claiming that sex is the sole reason to get married. But if you grew up in church and had “you’d better wait for marriage” pounded into you, and if you want to follow God’s design for intimacy, it suddenly becomes very important. You said, “Im not done playing sex. Its important…extremely important.” then proceeded to give a list of reasons why men need to get over it. “Gramps baled on gramma”? Why not use an example of “Gramma ignored Gramps’ needs for 60 years.”? You just gave every wife out there permission to ignore their husband’s needs by rationalizing away the importance of intimacy, using these very points.

      • mike n.

        That was a type error…i meant to say “I’m not downplaying sex”. But anyway, both of your assumptions about my case are about as wrong as you could be. And I am a Christian. I waited with my spouse till we were married. But so many times in this situation I see people ready to bale on marriage if sex is absent in the relationship. Is that an exceptable, biblical reason for divorce or seperation? I don’t think so. And even though a sexless marriage is pretty bad, there is too much else at stake if we abandon marriage. Im not trying to give women a pass on this issue. I think withholding sex is a sin too. It puts the husband in a vulnerable position. It is easy to commit adultry when sex is absent in the marriage. So when a spouse withholds sex from their partner, I think this is very wrong; witholding sex is wrong, and leaving marriage over a lack of sex is wrong. Both are wrong. I think the only answer is to stay married, pray, and work through the difficulty. I don’t think there is a better solution otherwise.

        • TimJohn

          I’m glad my assumptions were wrong, and I’m not contemplating divorce. Not even a thought about it. I’m in it for the long run, with the hopes that I see better years ahead. My overall point though, is this: Christian husbands today need more than lessons on how to be leaders of wives who don’t want to be led in this area. Christian husbands have become beaten down by the societal drumbeat of “marriage is more than sex”. When you’re living in a sexless marriage, it’s like telling a starving person, “well, suck it up. Life is more than food”. Did God give men a sex drive, or not? Did God design sex to be enjoyed in marriage, or not. I know that God did not give men the desire for their wives only for the wife to manipulate and guilt the husband into thinking there is something wrong with him for having the audacity to actually want to have those desires reciprocated by the women he loves. The most unpreached book in the Bible, The Song of Solomon, is a virtual guidebook on how a married couple is to enjoy intimacy together and churches don’t touch it. As I’ve said in other posts, men are instructed to lead, and that’s great. But what’s the point of leading if the wife won’t follow? Why are men expected to move heaven and earth to get some sexual response from the women who promised themselves to their husbands, only to be turned down time and time again (and raked over the coals if he’s not happy with being constantly rejected)? Men have conferences where they hear the importance of leading their wives and the dangers of even looking at another woman. Women have conferences to learn about God as a boyfriend. There is a huge disconnect in this area of expectations, and your original post had all the flavor of how that disconnect exists. As I said in another post, at some point, the wives need to drop the laundry list of excuses and get with the program.

  • stephen

    sounds like you got to turn homosexual just to talk to wives these days and if i have to talk to her and listen more I rather cheat.. Fuck this gay crap.

  • Todd Null

    My wife tried this BS! Not sharing a bedroom (due to her snoring), no sex, did absolutely nothing around the house really. Always had to do things for work (principal at elementary school). Yet didnt pay a bill one around the house. I finally got tired of the crap, and started looking around. As soon as I told her to hit the bricks and that I didnt want the tired old moose knuckle anymore, then she wanted to fix stuff. Too late, if your woman is to lazy to work on the marriage, to stupid to realize that she is neglecting you, throw her out! Better woman are out there!

    • Todd Null

      Just like Rabid said, “dont be a feminist wuss!

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