married sex life

Reasons Your Married Sex Life Lacks Passion

When you got married, you didn’t imagine this is how it would be. After all, you love each other. You are attracted to one another and have good chemistry. However, when you are intimate, there is something missing. Maybe it is a new development in your relationship. Perhaps it has always been that way and you hoped it would eventually change, but it hasn’t. Your married sex life is passionless.

Sex is not always going to be earth-shattering, particularly when a couple has been married for a long time. When it consistently lacks passion overtime is when it can become divisive. The frequency of its occurrence tends to become less and less. Filled with unsatisfied desires, some turn to unhealthy things such as porn or an affair to attempt to quench their thirst. In order to find the solution, it is important to identify the problem. If your married sex life lacks passion, it could be because of one of these reasons.


When one or both people in a couple are inhibited, it normally comes from a negative view of sex. This negative view may have formed from something as dramatic as abuse. Others may have had parents that tried to keep them from having unmarried sex by communicating that sex is bad. That association sometimes remains even after marriage. Feelings of guilt, fear, and self-consciousness come rushing in like they are still doing something wrong. Unfortunately, these are normally deeply engrained (particularly abuse) and need counseling to move towards healing.

Lack of Prioritizing and Initiative

Sex is not set as a priority. Energy is given to everything else: raising kids, pursuing careers, or maybe even pursuing other people. This normally happens when one person puts sex low on the list leaving the other frustrated. Picking up on the frustration of their spouse, they do it out of obligation. Nothing takes the passion out of sex more than when a husband feels like his wife has sex with him as a favor or vice versa. Both husband and wife need to keep it high on the list of priorities.

Hidden Bitterness

When unresolved issues and a lack of forgiveness linger below the surface, they create disunity. Passionate sex is fueled by the level of connection a couple is experiencing. Undealt with hurt will turn the heart into a Petri dish of bitterness. [Tweet This] The relationship electricity will dim until it eventually shuts off.

Lack of Honesty

Whether it is for fear of either rejection or hurting the other person, a lack of honesty will place limits on the sexual relationship in a marriage. It shows a lack of trust. It’s important to be able to communicate what each person finds enjoyable and what they don’t. This doesn’t mean all desires need to be met, but that there should be a safe environment for free and open dialogue. One of the beautiful things about sex is knowing things about one another that no one else knows.

Focus on Performance

The focus of sex should be to love, connect, and enjoy one another. People can become preoccupied with performing because it makes them feel powerful. It could also be out of the insecurity of being compared to their spouse’s past experiences. It’s good to tune into your spouse and work to meet their desires as long as the motivation is one of giving. When the motivation becomes performing then it becomes self-serving and breeds disconnection.

Loss of Attractiveness

This can be physical, but in most cases it is deeper. Maybe it is the abrasive or disrespectful way she treats him that causes him to view her as less attractive. It could be that he has no initiative in life or with the family that turns her off. Address the issues honestly but with kindness and gentleness.


Both of you are caught in a cycle of doing the same routine. It’s gotten predictable and boring. A couple can easily fall into this trap, but it’s important to change things up and perhaps even try something new.

Sound Off

What do you do to keep passion in your marriage?

BJ Foster

BJ Foster is the Director of Content Creation for All Pro Dad and a married father of two.

  • BJ


  • Andrew Wood

    Involvement in pornography can also create unrealistic expectations for sex or desensitize one of the partners towards their spouse.

  • LJ

    I totally agree with your comments BJ, especially the prioritizing section. I have read other “help” articles to see how I can be the best husband possible and try to meet the needs of my wife. What can be done if you have spelled out your desire for more passion from your spouse, but nothing changes? When I hear the response “If you want to” when asking if she would like to make love tonight, it really minimizes the event.

    • BJ_Foster

      Thanks for sharing so openly. That’s really tough. A statement like “If you want to” doesn’t make a man feel very desired. In fact, it probably feels like you are burdening her or she is doing you a favor. It’s a passion killer. I can imagine that those words wouldn’t go over well if you said that to her when she wanted to go on a romantic date. But I also wonder if you could be misunderstanding each other. Being the best husband takes work. She probably wants those romantic weekends or dates and for you to take initiative and plan them. It takes effort and work, but you have fun when you are there and she is worth the effort because you love her. Is it possible that this is her attitude when it comes to sex? It feels like work getting warmed up to it, but she is willing to do the work because she loves you and you are worth it. Maybe it isn’t that at all, but I think you are clearly missing each other. Have you ever considered counseling? A counselor may be able to give you both insight to make some changes.

      • LJ

        Counseling may be the only way. We have discussed what our needs in our sex life before and frankly, I deliver and she doesn’t. We’ve been together 20 years, have kids, and I’ve never strayed because I do truly love her. It becomes very frustrating having to rehash my needs to her and then she becomes defensive. She has started subscribing to iMom and hopefully they are talking about this subject too.

        • BJ_Foster

          It is discussed on iMom and that may help, but I would suggest counseling. Do you think she would be open that?

          • LJ

            Yes, I think she will do it. I have to admit that I dread asking her because she may look at it as “something is wrong” instead of seeing how it would be beneficial for both of us to see where we could improve our marriage.

          • BryanEW710

            I’m curious: did anything come of this?

          • LJ

            We did counseling and it helped tremendously. We were advised to read the book “5 Love Languages”, it took her a while to get started, but she did. We now “know” each other more and what needs are important to us. I would highly advise every couple to read this book together and then discuss.

          • BryanEW710

            My wife and I read it back when we first got married. I think we could stand to read it again. FWIW, there are times when I have the same feelings as you when I feel like my wife is only having sex with me out of pity or feeling of obligation. Nothing takes the wind out of your sails faster than that feeling!

          • LJ

            I think reading it again would be a good idea. It is difficult at times to talk to my wife about my needs after I’ve done her needs according to the book, but I have to realize that I cannot get mad at her because it will always be a learning curve for her. She did not have much, if any, affection given to her by her parents and I have to remember this fact.


        Always having to “warm her up” feels the same as obligatory sex when the only way she wants to do it is when you work to make her tolerant of your needs. I’m to the point that I would rather work in my garage than give a 20 min back rub for some sympathy sex. Every man should feel wanted at home.

        • BJ_Foster

          I hear you Kurtis. It definitely feels better when you feel wanted and desired. It’s natural to feel rejected and hurt. However, opting to go work in the garage, while I completely understand, is a step away from intimacy. The garage may be a place that gives you safety from feeling hurt, but it is also isolating from her. It’s a step towards drifting apart. Sex is something good for your relationship that is important for you to lead her towards, including working past her lack of interest. Instead of thinking of it as “sympathy sex”, I wonder if changing your mindset to thinking about it as more of a game might help. You are going to spend energy either way (even out in the garage), you might as well try to make it fun for yourself. Thoughts?


            Your right of course, I need to stay on the high road and do what is necessary to preserve our relationship.

          • BJ_Foster

            Easily said, very difficult to live out. I apologize if I came across as minimizing that in anyway.

        • BryanEW710

          Now imagine having that scenario where she doesn’t even want a back rub.

  • Peter

    The answer is simple: realize that sex has only one legitimate purpose – PROCREATION. Stop expecting some pleasure or some emotional connection out of it. We’ve been fed this line so much and then we wonder why divorce and alternative sexuality has become so prevalent in our society. Once the excitement of a new relationship and the drive to procreate subsides we start to assume that maybe the relationship was a mistake and we look for another one – only for the cycle to continue over again.

    • Francisco d’Anconia

      God fashioned us for sex and created the emotions to go with it; pleasure was intended. We shouldn’t let Satan and his lies keep us from enjoying our spouses or fall into the counterfeit pleasure of sex that the world offers. God’s pleasure is real and satisfying; Satan’s is counterfeit and empty.

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