Does your teen clam up when you ask what’s going on? Do you feel shut out of their life? Do you wonder why your teen never seems to listen? Do you wish they’d open up and share?
The word communication comes from the Latin
communis, which means “common”. In other words,
communication is about the art of establishing
common ground, a purposeful activity that involves
balance, giving and receiving, talking and listening,
receptivity and an open heart.
For many parents and teens, communication has
taken a back seat to a solo act called “talking”. Parents
tend to load up and then aim talking at their teens - like
the classic “blah, blah, blah, blah” of Charlie Brown’s
teacher; teens in turn launch salvos at their parents.
Typically when a child – or a parent - complains that,
“THEY never listen”… what it really means is, “My
parent (or my teen) doesn’t agree with me.” Eventually,
and without communication successfully breaking out,
even the talking tends to go away. Then, both parents
and kids feel isolated from the family they love.
But don’t despair. There is hope. If we set up healthy
conditions for communication, then somewhere along
the line we’re going to experience some talking. That’s
when it’s time to listen.
Listening with respect and interest
is
absolutely #1 here. Because ommunication
isn’t about your
agenda, delivering your
message,
judging, or making a sale.
Communication is all about
common
ground, and
it’s ground that can
be cultivated.
Schedule regular family mealtimes: Communication is an art form that requires skills, modeling, practice, regularity and a predictable context. Schedule family dinners together a minimum of 3 times a week. No TV, no phones, no computers, no iPods (get the picture?). Come prepared with “conversation-starter” questions. Make sure your questions are “open-ended.” Model active listening. This is not the time to judge. Be prepared to converse about what interests your teens. Do not judge content. This is about communication, not your agenda!
Get busy and be productive with your teen:
Work on the car together and – while you’re at it – ask
open-ended questions, then listen. Let your teen drive
you places – while you listen. Teach them all you
know about woodwork and teach them how to cook –
and meanwhile keep your ears open. Take a road trip
to your hometown – all the time sharing your stories.
Ask for help with something your teen is good at –
then graciously let them take the lead.
Take your teen out on a date: This is hugely
valuable on many levels. A date is an opportunity to be
generous, to show interest in what’s important to your
teen, and to give the gift of uninterrupted time. Take
your son or daughter to dinner and then do something
fun you know they’ll enjoy. Teens often believe
parents have no interest in their lives. This is
a chance to set the record straight. But be sure
the date is uninterrupted. Turn your phone off
and listen with your eyes as well as your ears.
And remember, knowing your teen is far more
important than trying to change them.
The bott om line here is about understanding
what it means to communicate. If you give any
hint that you don’t really want to know, then
your teen certainly won’t tell you. So listen
already, and listen respectfully.
You just might get to know
your teen after all.
