it's not about you

Valentine’s Day, It’s Not About You

It’s here, fellas. Valentine’s Day is upon is. To some, the mere thought may cause you to break into a cold sweat. It’s the one day of the year where we are supposed to be, no, have to be romantic with our spouse. Well, Valentine’s Day is really not the only day of the year we are supposed to be romantic, but it is one of those days where we are encouraged to do so and may be judged if we’re not.

For those of us who don’t know the meaning of the word romantic or who don’t have a romantic bone in our bodies, it can be a challenge. For those of us who struggle in the romance department, there is a trick, a hack that can help you be the most romantic person on every day of the year. It’s simple, but not easy. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, it’s not about you—and neither is your marriage.

When we understand this and act according to it, romance will be easy. Try this: Think back to your dating days before you and your spouse were married. One of your biggest priorities was making things about her. The restaurant, the date night activity, the clothes or cologne you wore, the doors you opened for her. You made it about her. Then you got married. Maybe you chose to go wherever to eat, date nights disappeared, and she didn’t always smell the fresh fragrance of cologne on you. Now, she may not only have to open her own doors but has to get the kids in the door herself.

To be more romantic, don’t make things about your happiness but about your wife’s happiness instead. [Tweet This] When you do that, you’ll be romantic in her eyes. And Valentine’s Day will be just an extension of the natural romantic that you now are. Here are 4 ways you can make Valentine’s Day and your marriage not about you but about your wife.

1. Set her apart.

Your wife has a spot that nobody else can or should occupy. Not your kids, your parents, your golfing buddies, your boss, or anybody. Let her know this and let others know this, with your words and actions.

2. Take on the hard stuff on her behalf.

Ever heard of “good cop, bad cop.” Sometimes you have to be the “bad cop” in your marriage in order to keep her looking good. Being willing to have the next couple of difficult conversations with your kids or family members. Do whatever you can to take some of the heat off of her. Volunteer for some of the harder cleaning  items around the house, particularly the ones you know she hates.

3. Love her like you’d want to be loved.

You probably treat yourself pretty darn good. You do your best to encourage yourself, to take care of your body and do what you think is best for you. Do that for your wife. Love her in a way that makes her feel loved. Be sure to find out her love language first.

4. Get close and intimate with her.

Intimacy is doing or sharing things with a person that you don’t do with anyone else. Do that with your wife. Share your deepest feelings, concerns, fears, dreams, and anything else. Don’t hold anything back, and don’t let anything get between you and her. When you do these things you will have no problem being romantic, and your wife will know Valentine’s Day and your marriage is not about you, but your love for her.

Still wondering what to do for her? Here are 19 Valentine’s Date Night Ideas from imom.

Sound Off

What are some other ways to put your wife first?

Jackie Bledsoe

Jackie Bledsoe is an author, blogger, and speaker, but first and foremost a husband and father of three, who helps men better lead and love the ones who matter most.

  • CJ

    Done all 4 of those things in my marriage on a daily basis for 21-plus years and all it has gotten me is a wife who disconnected from me, had a two-year emotional affair with a married man in our church and now she’s wondering if she even wants to stay married to me. Yup, you can do ALL the things a good Christian husband should do, but it boils down to TWO hearts in a marriage and if your wife’s heart makes the choice to REJECT you and no longer LOVE you, then too bad, so sad, all that “good husband” garbage goes right out the window!

    Yes, I do have faults. I am not perfect. I have struggled with being a provider financially because the career I chose doesn’t pay anything no matter how hard I work and the burden of being the bread winner has, unfortunately, fallen on her. We have prayed together and individually about this to God for a decade now but it has fallen on deaf ears from above as God has chosen not to allow me to find better jobs no matter how many I apply for and my wife has had to miss out on being a mom at home with our kids while working full-time. So yes, life’s disappointments have befallen us. She has become disappointed with me and I, in turn, have become very disappointed and disillusioned with a God that would allow this to happen.

    Can you tell Valentine’s Day isn’t going to be very great this year (especially since it always marks the day we officially became engaged, so it sucks even worse!). Please just pray that my wife’s heart can some day soften again, she can smile at me again and maybe — God willing — even make the CHOICE to love me again and be committed to honoring the marital vows we said to each other two decades ago — for better or WORSE, for richer or POORER till death do us part! What God has brought together let man not separate. I am in this for the long haul — or as long as my wife decides she wants to stick with it!

    • CJ, wow that is tough. I’m sorry to hear about your challenges. However, I am encouraged by your resolve and your commitment to honor your marriage vows, to remain together, and ultimately trust God. I believe God will do a great work in and through you due to your faithfulness. I don’t know exactly what that good work is or what it will look like, but be encouraged. I am rooting for your marriage and praying for yours and others in similar situations.

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