On my first scuba dive, we were instructed to go down the anchor rope and wait at the bottom. The instructor said to me, “You go first; you aren’t scared.” He was right. I was 18 and wasn’t smart enough to be scared, because what happened next was terrifying.
Distracted by free sand dollars, I took my eye off the rope for two minutes. After a few minutes of swimming to find it, I decided to emerge to the top to get my bearings. That is when I discovered I was a couple of football fields away from our boat. Luckily, another scuba diving boat was close and saved the day. The same can happen in life and marriage. We take our eye off the rope until one day, we find ourselves lost, wondering what happened. Here are 10 red flags that tell you your marriage is in trouble.
1. Lack of Fun and Connection
Often people say to me, “We don’t have time to connect as a couple.” Oh, my friend, you don’t have time not to have time with your wife. If there is no space in your life for you and your wife to laugh and connect, you must make space today! It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. It could be going for a phoneless walk, locking yourselves in the bathroom to get away from the kids, or talking about your high and low for the day. The best way to protect your marriage is to enjoy it.
2. Living More Like Roommates Than Lovers
Chores, kids, schedules, and work have a lot of moving parts. But when all this adulting leaves no room to laugh, connect, and experience intimacy, something must change. Living like roommates causes couples to drift apart, feel disconnected, and even start to resent each other.
3. Decreasing Frequency of Sex
The frequency of sex is not a specific amount—it is whatever feels fulfilling for you and your wife. While a decline in the frequency of sex can happen for several reasons, one of the most common is a waning connection. Sexual desire can be compromised when you are not feeling emotionally connected.
4. Increasing Frequency of Conflicts
Most couples have occasional disagreements, but if you are increasingly at odds, this is a sign you may be headed in the wrong direction. This is especially true if your conflicts turn into hurtful arguments. Work diligently to listen more and talk less.
5. Even Remotely Thinking of Divorce
The more thinking, mentioning, or dreaming about divorce, the better the chance it will become a reality. If you are thinking of divorce, do not talk to your friends who instantly jump on your side. Talk to friends who want you and your marriage to win.
6. Viewing Pornography
Pornography is a huge struggle for many. The payoff is a huge feel good chemical rush of dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. But your marriage takes the hit with decreased intimacy, unrealistic expectations, trust issues, and sexual insecurity.
7. Less Affection and Touch
If you are finding less and less non-sexual affection and touch, it could be a sign that you are losing connection or endearment toward each other. It could also mean one or both of you is holding grudges.
8. Living Separate Lives
It’s not only OK but also important to have outside friends and hobbies. But if you are finding that you are spending more time at work or playing golf, ask yourself why. Are you trying to avoid conflict, do you feel more successful in these areas, or are you simply taking your spouse for granted?
9. Lacking Trust
Are you and/or your spouse finding it harder to trust each other? A lack of trust often comes when things are unresolved. Infidelity, financial dishonesty, broken promises, poor communication, and past trauma can all contribute to a breakdown of trust in a marriage.
10. Contempt
Leading marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman says there are four horsemen of the apocalypse in marriage, the worst being contempt. If one or both of you ever get to the place where there is, get help. Contempt quickly erodes trust, intimacy, and the ability to resolve conflicts.
For all the above, don’t wait until your marriage gets into crisis before seeking help from a counselor, pastor, or wise friend.
Sound off: What are some other red flags in marriage that say it’s time to get some help?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What does it mean to see a red flag in a relationship? What are some examples of red flags?”