“This isn’t working.” Those were the words I said to my wife six months into our marriage. Like all newlywed couples, we were excited about marriage, sex, and living the rest of our lives together. But what we thought would come so naturally in the bedroom ended up requiring more work than expected. We quickly realized our desires were different. Our expectations were sometimes miles apart. And “loving” happily ever after was going to require work and growth for both of us.
Every couple enters a marriage with the assumption that married sex will be great sex (and it should be). However, after the natural flames of young love begin to fade, the realities of married life set in. What should couples do to maintain a healthy sex life after that? Here are 3 non-negotiables for good sex in marriage.
1. Communication
This is often the key for good sex in marriage. You will rarely ever improve what you don’t discuss, yet many couples never talk about sex. However, what we’ve found is that communication often looks different for each of us. I’m naturally stronger at communicating sexual desires through spoken or written expressions via conversations or text. But my wife finds it more comfortable to use unspoken forms to communicate when and how sex is important to her, including dropping hints and silently giving guidance on what she likes. For many couples, any form of communication about sex, inside or outside the bedroom, is treated as taboo, which isn’t healthy. When you don’t communicate about sex, frustration is the inevitable result.
2. Consistency
In most marriage relationships, one spouse has a higher sex drive than the other. This naturally results in one person in the marriage often feeling like “I want more” while the other is thinking, “What’s your problem? We just had sex last week.” Any married person knows the tension this can create. The answer is in a mutual understanding of the need for sexual consistency. One practical way to make this happen is by scheduling sex rather than relying on spontaneity. Through scheduled sex, each spouse is given a window of time to initiate with one another. Communicate your varying desires and figure out an intimacy lifestyle that works best for you. With differing sex drives, nothing will remedy the sexual tension more than consistency.
Spouses who strive to serve one another make the best lovers.3. Concern
Serving one another results in great sexual fulfillment. Spouses who strive to serve one another make the best lovers. This starts by prioritizing the other’s greatest desires before your own. A husband provides the emotional romance she wants. A wife provides the physical intimacy he desires. And when each other’s desires are prioritized, a successful marriage is the result, both inside and outside the bedroom.
Sound off: Of these three areas, which one could use your attention the most right now?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “How could I show more concern for your needs in our marriage?”