You may have more power to help your marriage than you think. One of my pet peeves is reading a marriage book where all the applications begin with, “As a couple you need to…” As a couple you need to work out together. As a couple you need to volunteer together. As a couple you need to budget together. These are all good things, but couples almost always have different levels of commitment to being intentional about their marriage. If your spouse joins in, fantastic. But you alone can make a huge difference.
People in the counseling community will tell you that as long as divorce is on the table, counselors are limited with how much they can really help the couple. Why is this the case? It’s an issue of focus. When divorce is an option, often all people can see is that exit strategy. People consider divorce because they have adopted the wrong mindset. In many years of observing marriages, I’ve noticed there are 2 marriage mindsets: “me” or “us.” Here’s the difference.
1. The Me Mindset
The Me Mindset is constantly asking this question: Is this marriage working for me? It’s a big problem when we are constantly asking ourselves this question, because there are days, weeks, seasons, and perhaps even years when your marriage absolutely isn’t going to be working for you. Asking if it’s working for you can be relationally lethal.
But there is a different question, one that works on the good and the bad days. This question has enormous potential to turn almost any marriage around. But people only ask this question when they have an “us” mindset.
2. The Us Mindset
The Us Mindset asks a better question: What am I doing to make this marriage work? It’s a totally different lens through which to view your marriage. And you are 100% responsible for your lens. This is not a question for your spouse; this is a question for you. What am I doing to make this marriage work? Making your marriage work means becoming a student of your spouse’s strengths and weakness and leveraging both to love her.
One of my many challenges is that I’m terrible with details. I often lose my wallet and my keys, and asking me to do things like make a plane reservation can send me into panic mode. I was ADHD before it was cool, which I know doesn’t always work for Nancie. But she loves me by never getting mad at me for losing things. And typically, she makes plane reservations for me. That is one of the many things she does to make our marriage work.
Nancie would say one of her challenges is not being able to handle small crowds of people she doesn’t really know that well. Recently we had a homeowners association meeting. While Nancie will never lose her keys and can make a plane reservation in a millisecond, she would rather die than to go to that meeting. But I love her. So I went to the meeting. That is one of things I do to make our marriage work. While these may be small examples, that’s the point. Marriages are made up of micro moves. The sum total of those micro moves equals the condition of your marriage.
You and I get to choose how we act and respond to our wives, and that is a beautiful thing. If your spouse loves gifts, buy her one. If your spouse likes sex more often than you, have more sex. If your spouse loves words of encouragement, write her a note. If your spouse loves affection, kiss her each day for 30 seconds. If your spouse wants you to spend time with her, carve out time. Whatever speaks love to your spouse, speak it. When we love our spouses, even when they are irrational, even when their baggage creates an unfair tension, even when they are simply not that lovable, it is powerful for our marriages.
Sound off: Would you say you currently have a “Me” or “Us” mindset with your marriage?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What does it mean to be selfless?”