3 Messy, Mixed Messages You May Have Learned About Emotions

I recently asked on social media, “Growing up, what were you taught about men and emotions?” My feed was full of answers like:

• “Taught? About emotions? What?”
• “If you don’t stop crying, I’m going to give you something to cry about.”
• “Take that look off your face.”

Most of us don’t think about what we think about emotions. But emotions are a huge thing not to consider because they impact everything, including being a dad. So for good or for bad, we handle emotions based on what we’ve been led to believe. And we tend to handle our children’s emotions in the same way we handle our own. Here are 3 messy, mixed messages you may have learned about emotions.

1. Childhood Messages

Chances are nobody ever taught our parents a healthy way of dealing with emotions. So they did the best they could as they taught us about ours. Many of us guys were taught it was OK to be mad but not OK to be sad. We received a lot of shake it off, toughen up, don’t cry. So it’s no wonder we bottle up, avoid, and self-medicate feelings we were told not to have.

What did your parents teach you about your emotions?

2. Cultural Messages

Cultural messages about emotions can vary from region to region, but in general, the United States has historically held a view that discourages men from expressing their emotions. We are taught if we want to be perceived as masculine, we need to be stoic and emotionally controlled. However, the research is clear—suppressing emotions can lead to mental, physical, and relational issues.

What cultural messages did you learn about your emotions?

3. Religious Messages

If you are a person of faith, then chances are, you were taught some emotions were good and some were bad. As I was, maybe you were taught that emotions are liars, can’t be trusted, and the bad ones should be swapped for the good ones. I recently saw a church sign that read, “Anxiety stops where faith begins.” Translation: If you are experiencing anxiety, you need to have more faith. These messages are well-intended and contain some truth, but they are damaging because they condemn people from having emotions we all have. There are no bad emotions; just bad responses.

Were you taught any religious messages about your emotions?

Sound off: Growing up, what were you taught about emotions?