What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are wanted. So, where does that leave in-laws? Well, after a USA Today article revealed in a survey that nearly 85% of American’s “admitted to lying or coming up with an excuse to get out of a family holiday event,” the labels probably won’t be great. But avoiding family altogether usually isn’t the best alternative. It’s likely that you want your kids to grow up having great memories over the holidays with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and more.
Unfortunately, you can’t control your kids’ memories to make sure they’re all great with extended family. But you can build a relationship with in-laws that helps create those opportunities for your kids. Here are 4 rules of engagement for a healthy relationship with in-laws.
1. Set clear expectations.
Unmet expectations will put you in the fast lane to being let down, disappointed, or even offended by your in-laws (or they’ll leave your in-laws feeling those things). But even worse than unmet expectations are unsaid expectations. It’s important to work with your spouse yo lay out clear expectations for your time with in-laws. Going to see family for Christmas can mean different things to different people. Is that a few hours for dinner and gifts or a week-long stay at their home? Set clear expectations for the duration of visits, for which holidays you’ll spend with which side of the family, and what traditions you plan to carry on. Knowing what’s expected (and maybe even lowering the bar a bit) will help you leave more satisfied.
2. Make intentional deposits and calculated withdrawals.
Every time I receive a paycheck. I intentionally deposit it into my local bank. That way, when it’s time to make a withdrawal, there is something available to take from. Our relationships work the same way. It’s important to make intentional “deposits” into relationships with our in-laws. Work together with your spouse to decide who needs to make a deposit and who has the highest balance when a withdrawal is needed. Making a deposit might mean agreeing to dinner at your in-laws’ when you’d rather have stayed home, or it might mean bringing them gifts. Making a withdrawal might look like asking the in-laws to babysit or turning down a dinner invite from them.
3. Create strong boundaries and stick to them.
Every family has unique dynamics that need to be considered. Take time with your spouse to decide what is acceptable and what is not. You and your spouse are responsible for creating your own vision and values for your family. These boundaries can include which activities and conversations you participate in with family or, for more serious situations, who we allow to stay at our house. Once you set your boundaries for relationships with in-laws, stick to them. They’re not forever but be sure to reach a decision with your spouse before an adjustment is made.
4. Be a buffer.
We all have a little bit of crazy in our families. You’ve spent your whole life learning how to navigate all the relationships in your family, but your spouse might still be learning. When boundaries are crossed or expectations missed from your side of the family, take ownership of the situation and work to put things back in balance. It’s likely that your wife and kids will feel more secure knowing you’re going to protect them and be a buffer when needed.
Sound off: What’s the best thing to do to help a relationship with in-laws?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are some good ways to get along with people?”