Hannah looked across the table at her guest: “Would you like some more tea, Mrs. Nesbitt?” She leaned over and gracefully topped up the teacup in front of the toy she’d just found lying at the bottom of the stairs. Fifteen-year-old me found this scene from Toy Story confusing: Why would you take Buzz Lightyear to a tea party when there are so many other ways to play with a space ranger? Situations like this make you think about how to teach your son about girls.
This was one of the many lessons I (a guy who grew up without any sisters) had to learn about girls—they play differently than boys do and see the world differently, too. As I raise my own sons, I know there are a lot of things they must learn about girls beyond how they play. Here are 4 things to teach our sons about girls.
1. Girls are different, but different does not mean better or worse.
One of the easiest places to start with how to teach your son about girls is the obvious differences. What they may struggle with is learning how to interact with and respond to girls who are physiologically, psychologically, and otherwise different from them. Historically, there has been a focus on the physical differences leading men either to put down women for being physically smaller than they are or focusing only on a woman’s appearance. We need to teach our sons instead to value the ways girls are distinctive from them while recognizing that both are valuable and necessary.
Talk to your son about… the way he comes to you for some things and goes to his mom for other things. You could also talk about some of the differences he’s noticed between himself and the girls in his life.
2. The girls in your life have something to teach you.
Many who travel discover the treasures other cultures have to offer. People often come back from a visit to another country with a deeper appreciation for other foods, music, traditions, or the cultural history of the places they’ve visited. In the same way, boys can discover the way a woman’s distinctiveness is complementary to our own. For example, women can often be more sensitive to the needs of the world around them, inviting our sons to meet a need and helping him direct his passions and strengths make a difference in the world.
Talk to your son about… specific things you’ve learned from different women in your own life.
3. Girls often take what you say to heart.
Provided there is a solid foundation of friendship, playful jabs and sarcastic comments are exchanged among a group boys and often forgotten. (This is not the same thing as bullying, which often lacks the foundation of friendship.) In some cases, girls can be more sensitive to the teasing boys do without thinking, taking jabs and comments to heart and hanging on to them. We need to teach our sons to consider the place lighthearted teasing may or may not have in a relationship with girls. We also need to explain that there is never a time that it is OK to belittle or objectify any girl for any reason.
Talk to your son about… how women are talked about in shows and in music. Point out the good examples and the bad examples of how he could talk to girls and women in his life. Make sure you’re a good role model for this as well.
4. Women are not a “thing” to be used or conquered.
It’s not a new problem that women are objectified. When Canadian athletes won gold in both men and women’s Olympic Snowboarding, I remember seeing the man on a magazine cover in his full snow gear with his medal and the woman similarly featured but dressed in a bikini. From suggestive photo shoots to unrealistic portrayals of intimate relationships, our boys are growing up in a culture that sees a woman as a thing to be used or conquered. We need to teach our sons about healthy relationships and the ways that a woman deserves to be treated.
Talk to your son (at an age-appropriate level) about what it means to be attracted to women, about sex, and about the purpose of the human body. Not sure where to start? Have a look at our article on “How to Talk to Your Son About Sex.”
Sound off: Do you know how to teach your son about girls? What are some other things we need to teach?
Huddle up with your sons and ask, “What do you wish you knew about girls?”