Have you ever watched a movie that never had a conflict? If you have, you probably hated it. Why? Conflict is key to any good story. Margaret Atwood once wrote, “In Paradise there are no stories, because there are no journeys. It’s loss and regret and misery and yearning that drive the story forward, along its twisted road.” She’s right. What makes a compelling story, and a compelling character, is when someone faces conflict and grows as a result. After all, that’s really the only way growth happens.
And yet, so many of us make the mistake of thinking our marriage would be better if it were just easier. Certainly no one wants a marriage that is only hard. However, for those of us who married someone who is really different than we are and with whom we regularly find ourselves working through conflict, I believe there is reason to be thankful for your hard marriage. Here are 5 opportunities your hard marriage offers you for growth.
1. Perseverance
We live in an instant society. If my internet isn’t lightning fast or an app takes a second to load on my phone, or I have to (gasp) wait in line somewhere, it almost feels like the world is somehow broken. And yet, most things that matter take time and commitment. When we find ourselves in a hard marriage, there’s an opportunity to press in, work hard, and see growth happen over the long haul. In the process, we learn the value of perseverance. And perseverance is one of those traits that transfers well to lots of other parts of your life. Whether it’s work, a hobby or other relationships, becoming the kind of person who can persevere in the face of hardship can produce fruit for a lifetime.
2. Perspective
One of the main reasons for experiencing a hard marriage is having a different perspective than that of your wife. Clashing views of the world can cause tension, conflict, frustration, etc. And yet, the fact is you don’t actually see the world as it really is (even though we all think we do). You see the world from your own vantage point. Having to live and partner with someone who sees the world differently can press you to take a hard look at your own perspective. As difficult as it can be to consider that you may be wrong, it’s an incredibly valuable tool if your goal is growth.
3. Character
One of the most often quoted scriptures about character is Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Why do you think the writer of this proverb chose such a violent picture as iron sharpening iron? The reason is that character formation cannot happen apart from challenge. When a challenging season with your wife presses you to forgive or to choose to set aside your ego and ask for forgiveness, you grow. When you learn to work through your anger rather than react to it, you grow. A hard marriage is not fun, but it is fertile soil for character formation.
4. Humility
I remember when I first realized that part of why my wife and I occasionally had such difficulty in certain areas was because of my ego. I knew I was right and was insulted that she challenged what seemed completely obvious to me. That was not a fun moment, but it was huge for my growth. I love how C.S. Lewis puts it: “Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less.” When winning becomes less important than loving well, we grow.
5. Hope
Finally, I believe that if we can persevere in a hard marriage, growing our perspective, strengthening our character, and developing humility we will experience an increasing hopefulness. This hope isn’t rooted in the marriage becoming easier, because it may not. However, we will begin to see that we can make substantive choices even within a hard marriage that can have remarkable affects on us as individuals and, often times, they make a positive impact on our marriage as well.
Sound off: What have difficult times in your marriage taught you?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What is the best thing about our marriage? What would you change?”