My alarm went off at 5 a.m. I pulled myself out of bed and looked at the outdoor temperature on my phone. Sheesh it was cold. I threw on a sweatshirt and trudged up the pitch black stairs to my 15-year-old’s room. I tapped her shoulder. “Ugh. Do I have to do this?” I just smiled and said, “Yeah, kiddo.” She moaned as she pulled herself out of bed. I could feel the eye roll even in the dark. She brushed her teeth, picked up her canvas bag full of newspapers, and made her way to the car.
That newspaper route was miserable. It also paid really badly. But as my now 21-year-old finishes up her final year of college, not only am I proud of her work ethic, but it’s fun to look back and laugh at those early morning experiences we had together. She made money (a little), we made memories, and she learned some responsibility. She didn’t bound out of bed every morning excited to toss those papers. But it was a valuable experience. There are a lot of important habits for teens that aren’t fun in the moment. Here are 9 things you need to make your teen do (even though she’ll complain).
1. Talk about sex.
Look, he’s talking about sex with his friends. He’s probably talking about sex with his girlfriend. You know who he’s not talking about it with? You. You should change that. Because you know a lot more about it than those other folks. And you are much more invested in his well-being than they are. Begin to develop the habit of talking about sex with your teen. It’ll definitely be awkward. But it’ll teach you to laugh at yourself a little bit. And if nothing else, you’ll teach him that nothing is out of bounds to talk with you about. And that’s a huge win.
2. Spend less time in her room.
Loneliness, anxiety, and depression are all rapidly increasing among young people. You know what doesn’t help with that? Spending lots of time alone in your room on social media. Granted, it’s important for teens to have the ability to get time alone. You shouldn’t require them to always be around you. But if your teen is in the habit of disappearing after school and only emerging from her room to grab sustenance, look for creative ways to limit this. It could be requiring her to help you make dinner a few nights a week or instituting a 30-minute walk on occasion.
3. Tell you something about his day.
If you have a teenage boy, I’m almost certain your first reaction to that sentence was “Ain’t gonna happen.” Teenage boys are notoriously disinterested in conversation. I know this is hard, but it’s important. Whether it’s at the dinner table, on the way to practice, or as he’s heading to bed, look for opportunities to do even just a 30-second check in. What’s one thing that happened today that you’re excited about? What’s one thing that was hard?
4. Eat dinner with the family.
This is difficult to pull off, I know. Everyone’s schedule is crazy, and it can be nearly impossible to figure out. But it’s critical. Numerous studies have been done to show the value of this in things as varied as reducing depression among kids to better weight control. It’s obviously not just about the meal but about the opportunity to be together. If this is literally impossible, consider alternatives. During a particularly busy season of our teen’s lives, we opted for a bedtime snack time. We took 15 minutes at night for a creative and fun snack and pulled everyone together to talk about the day.
5. Chores.
Chores teach responsibility. They also communicate to a child that she has something to contribute. A study by the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry suggests that a child who has grown up doing chores generally has a better self-esteem than one who hasn’t. Maybe you should say that to your teen the next time she whines when you ask her to do the dishes? On second though, don’t say that.
6. Go to church with you.
This can be one of the most challenging habits for teens, especially if their friends don’t go to church. No teen wants to be that “weird religious kid.” However, it’s worth the struggle. Apart from wanting your children to share your faith convictions, there are other more generalized benefits. The Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health published research that suggested children who regularly attended religious services were less likely to experience depression, more likely to avoid risky sexual behaviors, and more likely to have a sense of meaning and purpose than those who don’t.
7. Spend time with older family members.
Visit grandma? Ugh! But you should prioritize this whenever possible. Wisdom often resides in those who have lived long enough to forget more than our teens know. His grandpa may not know how to use TikTok, but he can share stories of victories and loss, heartache and hard work, that can shape your teen. Broad family connections can also increase a sense of belonging for him as he struggles to figure out who he is.
8. Serve in a way that doesn’t benefit her.
Teens are selfish. This isn’t a value judgment—it’s developmentally appropriate. However, your job isn’t to make sure your teen is happy. It’s to help him or her become good. Look for ways to serve with your teen that are clearly about the good of others with no obvious benefit to them. Not only are there long-term advantages to this (according to research done by the St. Louis Children’s Hospital, children who volunteer are more responsible and have higher self-esteem) but they also learn that serving someone can produce a joy of it’s own.
9. Read.
Do you have a favorite book? Read it with your child. She may hate it. But you could create an incentive. For example, upon completion of the book, you’ll go on a road trip together or take a weekend away at a favorite spot or grab a milkshake and talk about it. Not only are there lots of advantages to your child reading good books, but it also gives you a chance to connect over something you love and want to pass along. And if she develops a love for reading along the way, you’ve given her an enormous gift.
Sound off: What are your favorite habits for teens that they complain about initially but payoff big in the long run?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What’s one thing I used to make you do that you actually enjoy doing now?”