One of my pet peeves is hearing well-meaning people warn freshly engaged couples that “happiness in marriage takes a lot of hard work.” Who got married for that? Who came in and said, “Oh, Mom and Dad, I’ve met the most amazing woman in the world, and she is completely passive-aggressive. I can’t wait until we get married so we can work that out.”
Yes, marriage takes intentionality. But even more important than attempting to resolve the tough stuff is to enjoy the great stuff. You got married because you so enjoyed each other that you decided you wanted to enjoy each other forever. But when life takes off with work, kids, chores, and other important stuff, it’s easy to get serious and stop enjoying each other. But research shows that happy couples don’t stop enjoying each other. Here’s why being happy when your wife is happy will make you both happy.
1. Happy couples are better at recognizing each other’s positive emotions.
When your wife is happy, what is your response? Having a radar of when she is happy is hugely important to your relationship. It’s hard to overstate what getting happy with her or for her can do for your marriage. Rejoicing and laughing with her communicates empathy, bonds the two of you, and communicates clearly that “I love and like you!”
2. Happy couples tend to use more positive emotions during conflicts.
Conflict doesn’t have to be nasty. Leverage humor as a repair attempt. Not always, but in many cases, using lightheartedness can ease the tension and communicate that you care more about your wife than the issue. Be empathetic with your spouse’s emotions even if you don’t agree with them. Show gratitude for who she is and what she does for your family.
3. Happy couples poorly express fewer challenging emotions.
Emotions aren’t good or bad. It’s our expression of emotions that matter relationally. For example, getting angry is normal, but expressing it poorly can be devasting to a relationship. Expressing contempt is a marriage killer; avoid it at all costs. Happy couples get this. The good news is that we can continually get better at understanding and managing our challenging emotions.
4. Happy couples respond to their spouse’s bids for connection.
John Gottman defines a bid for connection as any attempt by one partner to engage the other in a positive interaction, such as a smile, a question, or a physical touch. Unhappy couples typically respond positively to their spouse’s bids for connection less than 50% of the time. And this is an easy fix. If your wife makes a bid for connection, take the bid. If she smiles at you, smile back. If she asks a question, answer as if you were talking to a friend, if she touches you, touch her back.
Sound off: How do you respond to your wife’s happiness?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are some things that make you happy? It makes me happy when you are happy!”