As I work on the All Pro Dad Podcast and these articles, I frequently ask myself, “Am I a good dad?” But this isn’t a new question for me, as I’m sure it isn’t for you. You want to be a good dad—if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article. If you are reading this article instead of skimming the bullet points, then I bet you are a great dad.
So, other than measuring your ability as a dad based on whether you are a skimmer or a reader, what are some tangible ways to know how you are doing as a dad? What are some things dads should do? Here 5 simple ways to check in and improve as a dad.
1. Check in with your kids.
We’ve asked our kids silly questions in the car their entire lives. I asked my 10-year-old, “If you had to get a tattoo, what would you get, and where would you get it?” Without a beat, he said, “I would get a puppy floating in cash on my chest.” I’ve never been prouder. In the middle of silly questions, I often add in some more meaningful ones before my kids know what has hit them. So ask your kids some silly questions, but slide in a few more, like these: “What is one thing you like about me as a dad? What is one thing you wish I would change?” You may want to buckle up for their answers, and make sure to remember their brain is still developing. But it’s worth a damaged ego if it leads to some good intel.
2. Check in with people who know you best.
Asking your spouse, close friends, or family for feedback on your parenting can feel vulnerable, but it often reveals positive and negative blind spots. I asked my wife recently where I was doing well and where I needed to improve as a dad. She said, “You are doing much better showing empathy to our girls. You should stop trying to read our kids’ minds; you aren’t good at it because it’s impossible.” These are important things I wouldn’t have known without asking.
3. Check in with yourself.
Call me a 13-year-old girl from 1955, but I keep a journal on my computer. I type my thoughts and prayers for my family. This weekly process helps me to see how I think I’m doing as a dad. It also helps me to track what went well and what I could have done differently. Tracking my actions helps me to see good and bad patterns. For instance, I tracked my interactions with my daughter when she was going through a rough patch, and once again it is confirmed that pausing before I respond is key.
4. Check in with coaches and teachers.
There are times when teachers and coaches spend more time with our kids than with us. Make sure they know they can give open and honest feedback to you. A teacher recently gave us some amazing insight into how our daughter responds to different types of correction. The teacher’s approach to correction is based on asking her questions, which allows our daughter to process on her own. My typical approach is to cut to the chase and make demands. I’ve tried the teacher’s approach recently, and much to my pride’s frustration, it worked. Without speaking with her teacher, I never would have known.
5. Check in with a pro.
Our family is not ashamed to admit that we believe in seeing a counselor. Often they have a perspective we would have never considered. You don’t have to exchange someone else’s judgment for your own, but professional counselors have data and research that we simply do not. And they are never as emotionally charged about our kids as we are, which often leads to the wisdom that comes from a neutral perspective.
No matter who you are asking, remember to respond without defensiveness, showing that you truly value their feedback.
Sound off: How do you monitor how you are doing as a dad?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What is one thing you like about me as a dad? What is one thing you wish I would change?”