It was just a quick phrase I dropped to move the conversation in a direction I wanted it to go. I hadn’t really given it much thought. But days later, it boiled over into a full-blown argument. One thoughtless phrase hit in a way I didn’t expect or intend, but now, I was reaping the consequences of it.
Have you been there? Arguments are rarely calculated or anticipated. They often spring up when we don’t expect it due to our response or lack thereof to a comment or an action from our spouse. While there’s no way to avoid every argument, there are certainly some things we can do to avoid many of them. Here are 7 ways to respond to your wife that might save you from an argument.
1. Pause.
Speed is not your friend in communication. Our knee-jerk response is rarely the best one. When she says or does something you feel the need to respond to, don’t, at least not immediately. Pause for a moment. Ask yourself if your response is honoring her. Does it assume the best or the worst? Will it be helpful? Many of us don’t naturally filter ourselves with our wives. We respond reflexively, but that can easily lead to hurt feelings, miscommunication and conflict. Pausing to consider what we say before we say it can be a game changer. If you want to know how to communicate with your spouse without fighting, start with stopping—pause.
2. Breathe.
Besides being necessary for life, breathing is really helpful exercise when you’re considering whether to jump into an argument with both feet. When she says that thing that just ticks you off, taking a few deep breathes while you pause (see point 1) can serve to control your anger, keeping your blood pressure down and increasing your sense of calm. I’m not suggesting you hit time out and go do yoga before finishing the conversation, but I am saying taking a breath or two can help you stay in control of your emotions. If you want to know how to communicate with your spouse without fighting, take a breath.
3. Be curious.
How many fights have you had with your wife over the way you interpreted what she said only to find out later you had misunderstood? Or vice versa? My guess is a lot. Often, our arguments stem from the story we’re telling ourselves more than from reality. As you’re pausing and breathing, think of how you can begin to get to the bottom of what she said or did. Say something like “When you say/do _______, I feel _______. Is that what you meant to say/do?” Generally speaking, she doesn’t want to hurt you any more than you want to hurt her. It’s quite possible you misunderstood. If you want to know how to communicate with your spouse without fighting, begin with curiosity.
4. Ask for forgiveness.
Have you ever asked your wife to forgive you? Your knee jerk reaction might be to say “of course,” but think about it. We often say “I’m sorry,” and we should. But “I’m sorry” is different. To apologize keeps you in control. You’re offering your apologies. However to ask for forgiveness turns control over to the other person. It enables her to say “I forgive you” or “no, not yet.” This is a difficult thing to do, but it can be very honoring of the other person and help restore a sense of partnership. If you want to know how to communicate with your spouse without fighting, ask for forgiveness.
5. Be honest.
You might think that saying the thing you think your wife wants to hear is how to avoid an argument. And, to be honest (See what I did there?), it may help you avoid one right now. But more than likely, that’s going to come back to you when you are unable to keep up the façade or you forget about the thing you lied about and it comes up again. The healthiest marriage is an honest one. It might increase tension in the short term but makes for a much better relationship with far less conflict in the long term. If you want to know how to communicate with your spouse without fighting, be honest.
6. Laugh at yourself.
Some of us take ourselves way too seriously. We feel the need to defend ourselves or keep up some image, even with those closest to us. One of the reasons we all love the outtakes from sitcoms or movies is because these beautiful perfect people suddenly appear normal. It can often make them feel more human and relatable. The same is true for us. We need to see each other’s flaws and laugh at them. It’s remarkable how disarming it can be when your spouse laughs at something you did and you actually laugh along with her. If you want to know how to communicate with your spouse without fighting, learn to laugh at yourself.
7. Find common ground.
Even when you disagree, you often want the same things. You want to feel respected, valued, heard. You want to provide a good life for your kids and each other. If we can acknowledge that from the outset, whether just internally or externally, it can really help how we engage in disagreements because it reminds us we’re working toward something together. If you want to know how to communicate with your spouse without fighting, look for common ground.
Sound off: What other responses help you avoid arguments?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are some good ways to get along with people even if you’re not in a good mood?”