Recently, on a lake trip with my family, I experienced an uncommon emotion for me: peace. Typically on our family lake trips, I’m stressed by wanting to ensure everyone is safe and having a good time. So why was this trip different? Because of what I’m about to share with you. You see, I have run from hard and uncomfortable emotions my whole life, including in my marriage. But you can’t learn how to control your emotions in marriage if you run from them. So, I went on a search to find a better way than blocking, tackling, or juking my emotions. And I found it.
It’s less painful than my way, and it works. The unexpected benefit? Now that I’m working to stop running from hard emotions, I’m enjoying more of the enjoyable ones, like peace. Research shows that because emotions are all interconnected, squashing the tough emotions also squashes the good ones. So next time you are dealing with an emotion you wish you didn’t have, run it through these 4 steps. I promise you will be glad you did. Here’s an example of how it works.
Step 1: Notice
Noticing your emotions means paying attention to how you feel (and deal with) feelings. Joe’s wife, Beth, has a job that is requiring her to work later than normal. Something doesn’t feel good about that to Joe, but he ignores the feeling. One morning, Beth shares she must work late again, and Joe responds with a snide, “Great, no shocker there.” They are both wondering the same thing: “Where did that comment come from?” Later, Joe asks himself, “How am I feeling about her working more?” He acknowledges to himself that he popped off because the reality of her working more doesn’t feel good. Noticing is important, because if we don’t notice, we can’t move to the next important step.
Step 2: Name
Once you notice what you are feeling, it is important to name it. After noticing it, Joe asked himself how he feels about Beth working more. He came to the very simple conclusion that he missed having dinner and hang time with her. How did he feel about his wife working more? He was sad because he missed her and felt disconnected from her. Naming his feeling kept him from blaming his wife.
Step 3: Feel
Neurologically, allowing yourself to feel helps your brain understand and manage emotions better, ultimately making you and your marriage stronger. Instead of doing what he normally does, Joe allowed himself to feel sad that he was missing his wife. He doesn’t distract himself by binging on Netflix; he feels it. He didn’t fall to the ground crying, but he just let himself be sad. And, guys, hear me—being sad is a normal emotion. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.
Step 4: Share
The next day, Joe says to Beth, “I’m sorry I made that snide comment about you having to work late. I shouldn’t have done that. I understand and still agree that is the current reality of your job. I’m just sad because I’m missing you. You aren’t doing anything wrong, and you don’t need to do anything about it. I’m just missing you.” A snide comment pushed Laura away. A simple “I’m just missing you” made Laura feel loved.
When we pause to note, name, feel, and share, we’re not weak. We are intentional, loving, and wise, which makes us and our marriages stronger.
Sound off: What advice would you give to somebody who’s trying to learn how to control your emotions in marriage?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What emotion do you hate feeling the most?”