My son used to love playing hockey. He’s always been a natural skater and loves the sport’s physical play. I was almost as excited as he was when he joined an ice hockey league for the first time. But that excitement deteriorated after the first couple of practices and games. No one talked to him, even though he tried to initiate conversation. Even the coach ignored him. I kept encouraging him. I told him it would take time; he would have to earn his way in. However, the situation got worse.
Others continued to ignore him, except for one of the better players—who mocked him and shouted obscenities when my son made a mistake. Gradually, I watched his energy and enthusiasm diminish on the ice. He looked isolated and alone and I was heartbroken. Watching your child experience being an outcast is difficult. It can be even harder to know what to do about it. Here are 5 things to do when your child feels like an outcast.
1. Acknowledge the hurt.
When you don’t fit in or have friends to depend on, it hurts—a lot. Plain and simple. We all want to fix any problem our kids are having and we want to do it quickly. If they are feeling bad, we want to make them feel good. There’s nothing wrong with that desire, but some things aren’t easily fixed, and putting a silver lining on a hard situation will just make your child feel more alone. Our kids need connection and they get that from having a person who will sit with them in their pain.
2. Spend time together doing something your child loves.
After you spend time with your kid in his or her pain, you all are going to need a break from it. Spend that time doing something your kid loves. Play his favorite video game, even if you hate it. Watch the movies or YouTube videos she always talks about. Ask questions and learn more about your child. When somebody shows interest in kids—especially their dad—they’re reminded of their worth.
3. Share your own story.
At one point or another, most of us have felt rejected, discarded, or like an outcast. Share your own experience if it relates well to your child’s. Share how you felt and what you did to deal with it. It can give kids comfort knowing that their dad has faced similar challenges and has overcome or at least gotten past them.
4. Affirm his or her belonging.
Every human being has a need to belong. Start simply with your family. Your child is a/an [insert your last name]. Explain the family you belong to and its history. Connect your kid with the character traits that have been passed down from generation to generation. Whether your children are adopted or biological, they belong to your family.
5. Remind your kids of who they are.
The God who created the entire universe and everything in it thinks highly of your kids. He loves them, and maybe an even more powerful thought, He likes them. Psalm 139 proclaims that He knit them together. He knows every inch of them better than they know themselves. Luke 12:7 says they are so valuable to God that He knows the number of hairs on their heads. He will never abandon them and has a plan for their futures. This is also true of you. So hear this if you are feeling like an outsider.
Sound off: What do you think is the best thing to do when your child feels like an outcast?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Who is your favorite person to spend time with right now?”