There’s an old Mad TV sketch with Bob Newhart playing a therapist. He sees a new patient and explains that he will charge her $5 for the first five minutes and then nothing after that. She’s thrilled with the cost, but he assures her that the session probably won’t go beyond five minutes. He invites her to share her problem, which is a fear of being buried alive in a box. Then he says, “OK, I’m going to say two words, and I want you to take these with you: STOP IT!” She’s taken aback and says, “What? I just need to stop being afraid?” “Yes,” he responds. “Just stop it!”
Obviously, dealing with past hurts and fears is never that easy. But there are plenty of behaviors we can simply stop that would improve our lives. Some of these are our parenting practices. If we would stop doing certain things, it would be better for our kids and us. Here are 5 common parenting practices you can ditch.
1. Counting for Obedience
“Come here! I’m going to count to three! One…two…” Sound familiar? I did that when my kids were young until an older and wiser mom gave me a better way. All counting does is teach our kids that they can delay obeying us. They can wait until you get to three. If you want your kids to obey right away, then explain to them that obeying right away is a must and that when they don’t, there will be a consequence. The next time you tell them to do something and they don’t do it, give them a consequence instead of counting.
2. Removing Challenges and Trials
In his book The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt gives an interesting analogy about the project Biosphere 2, launched in the 1980s. The trees that were planted in the dome grew up quickly but then fell over. In order for trees to grow strong, they need wind. When the wind blows, it pulls at the roots and the wood compresses, making it stronger. Our kids need resistance, challenges, and trials to gain maturity, intelligence, confidence, and perseverance. When we remove their obstacles, we deprive and weaken them.
3. Setting Expectations
Kids need boundaries. They don’t need your expectations. Kids’ brains (including teenagers’) have not fully developed, especially in the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex helps them determine cause and effect. This makes them impulsive and their decision making unclear. Setting expectations on them applies pressure that doesn’t help them mature. They see your agenda and often just try to meet expectations to get their parents off their backs rather than becoming responsible. Explain and enforce boundaries instead of setting “expectations.” Guide them and affirm your belief in them.
4. Allowing Unsupervised Internet Access
In The Anxious Generation, Haidt explains that the reason kids are so anxious today is because they have been overprotected in the real world and underprotected in the virtual world. Concerned our kids will get hurt in the real world, we hover above them 24/7 to offer protection. At the same time, we give kids phones and tablets at young ages with limited safeguards. They are left on their own to navigate the internet, chatrooms, social media, online gaming, videos, and influencers without oversight or guidance. Kids’ developing brains can’t handle the dangers and addictions they face online. The longer you can delay their access to the online world, the better. And when the time comes, you need to be beside them.
5. Treating Them Like They’re Older
Parenting can get monotonous, especially in the early years. It can be tempting to want to speed up time and start introducing our kids to concepts, experiences, and entertainment they aren’t ready for. When I was younger, an older parent said, “You just won’t believe how quickly it all goes by.” I didn’t believe him, but I understand now. I couldn’t wait to be done with animated movies, but now I find myself watching those same movies on Disney+ by myself, reminiscing about when my kids were toddlers. There’s no need to rush your kids into the next season. It’ll come faster than you think. Enjoy the age they are now and stay there until it’s time to move on.
Sound off: What are some other common parenting practices you think we can ditch?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “If there were one thing you could ask me to stop doing as a dad, what would it be?”