When my daughter got accepted to Villanova, I was thrilled, but not because she was going to a great institution of higher learning. I was excited to watch some basketball. Early on, I began telling my youngest, who was going to be a senior in high school, about all the basketball games we were going to go to together. I imagined us catching the majority of the home games, becoming regulars at the Finneran Pavilion. Well, it turns out getting tickets was much more difficult—and more costly—than I’d anticipated. It also was an exceptionally busy season at home and work. The combination of all these things meant we got to one solitary game, despite my daughter’s regular reminders: “Dad, we need to watch a game!”
I had let my daughter down. It wasn’t so much that we didn’t watch a lot of basketball but that I didn’t follow through on what I said we’d do. I’d created expectations, and then I failed to meet them. So what do you do when you disappoint your children? It’s tempting to want to make excuses or point out all the things you do for them that they should be grateful for. But of course, all of that is simply a way to protect yourself. Your teen deserves more than that. Here are 3 ways to respond when you’ve let your teen down.
1. Acknowledge it.
Yes, you’ve done a lot of other things for your teen that he or she should be grateful for, but that’s beside the point. The fact that I’ve done a lot to care for my daughter doesn’t change the fact that in this event, I failed to follow through. I needed to acknowledge that I’d spoken before I did the research, and I failed to plan well. None of that was a secret. It was obvious to everyone. But acknowledging it honored my daughter. I also like to think that it modeled that you don’t always have to get it right. If you need to know how to respond when you’ve let your teen down, begin by acknowledging what you’ve done.
2. Ask for forgiveness.
It’s important to recognize that failing your teen is just as significant as failing anyone else. Sometimes we can mentally put our kids into a category where we do so much for them all the time that the occasional letdown is just brushed over. But asking for forgiveness is a critical step in how to respond when you’ve let your teen down. It’s an empowering move. It shows your teen that even though you’re the parent, you don’t get to act however you want. Actions (or the lack thereof) have consequences. And, ironically, admitting failure and creating a scenario where you humbly ask your teen to forgive you can create increased trust.
3. Show yourself grace.
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves as parents. Not only do we feel the need to be perfect, but social media shows how awesome all the other parents are, which increases the pressure we put on ourselves. But one of the most critical steps in how to respond when you’ve let your teen down, is choosing to show yourself grace. Why? Because your teen doesn’t need perfection; she needs your engagement. But if you beat yourself up over letting her down, you expend energy in ways that are unproductive. Worse, you miss out on the fact that your failure in this area, if responded to well, can actually be a beautiful opportunity for your teen to learn how she should treat herself when she inevitably lets someone down someday. Show yourself grace. It’ll be good for both of you.
Sound off: Have you ever let your teen down? How did you respond?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What do you think is your best next step when you let somebody down?”