We’ve all been there. You say something that does not land well with your wife. You didn’t mean to hurt her feelings or make her angry, but you did all the same. Often in these situations, we can tend to defend ourselves with lines like, “You are too sensitive.” “I didn’t mean it that way.” “I can’t say anything right.” “It’s just my personality.”
No woman in the history of women has ever sincerely responded back with, “Thanks for clearing up why I heard you incorrectly; my mistake.” While your choice of words is massively important, research shows that nonverbal cues, including tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions, can account for 70 to 93% of communication. The next time something doesn’t land right with your wife, ask, “What role did my tone just play?” Here are 4 ways to avoid having the wrong tone with your wife.
1. Watch your posture.
The next time you are confused about why your wife responded defensively, ask yourself what your body was communicating. Was I standing with crossed arms, hands on hips, fidgeting, standing too close, pointing fingers, leaning in, or sticking out my chest? As men, our body language can be scary and intimidating even when our words aren’t meant to be.
2. Watch your eyes.
Research shows that making eye contact with your wife creates empathy in your brain for her. After learning this, I noticed that when I’m voicing my frustrations with my wife, I tend to look down or around instead of looking at her face. I thought, if you are too frustrated to make eye contact when you are talking, then you should stop talking until you are not.
3. Watch your volume.
A normal volume of voice communicates engagement, clarity, and desire for conversation. But the louder your voice gets, the more easily it can be perceived as aggressive, frustrated, angry, fearful, or disrespectful. Being too loud is never productive for anyone.
4. Watch your thoughts.
How you think about your wife will determine how you treat your wife. Our brains are wired to think in patterns and narratives. So, we create characterizations of our wives. Make sure your characterization of your wife is accurate, kind, generous, and gracious, because you will live as if your characterization is true.
Sound off: What have you learned about the power of your tone?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Is my tone of voice ever scary to you?”