intensive-parenting

Is Intensive Parenting Hurting Kids?

Parenting styles gain popularity and end up impacting an entire generation of kids. Unfortunately, we don’t see the results until much later. One of the most popular parenting styles these days is intensive parenting, and studies are beginning to show some negative results. I’ve definitely had some habits that are part of this parenting style. Should I have been doing something different? Have I been unintentionally doing things that are unhelpful or potentially damaging?

Are you an intensive parent? What defines this parenting style, and what is it doing to our kids? Let’s answer those questions to make sure we are setting our kids up well. This is what intensive parenting is and its effects.

What is intensive parenting?

Intensive parenting is predominantly kid-centric. The underlying belief is that parents’ most important focus should be the development of their kids. So, intensive parents are super involved in every aspect of their kids’ lives: their schooling, social lives, activities, job… It’s a heavy investment of time, energy, and money. All of their kids’ time is scheduled, every interaction is seen as an opportunity to mold and teach, and there should be complete emotional control on the part of the parent. Intensive parenting is driven by information of experts, but it also operates on the belief that parents raise kids in isolation and not in community.

Positives of Intensive Parenting

Being involved in your kids’ lives is great—you should be. One of every person’s deepest desires is to be known. This is especially true of kids. At almost every wedding, somebody reads from 1 Corinthians 13, but not typically verse 12, which says, “For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” He’s talking about love. There will come a day when we know God fully while being fully known. A big part of perfect love is knowing and being known. Intensive parenting involves focusing on kids in such a way that enables parents to study and know their kids. Intensive parents tend to be close with their kids.

A close relationship with your kids leads to greater influence. It gives the parent a better ability to help their kids navigate an increasingly complex and often cruel world. Being involved in their development is an important role of a parent.

Negatives of Intensive Parenting

However, while our kids’ development is important, our focus should be on loving our kids more than anything. A child is a person to be loved, not a project to be perfected. We unintentionally put too much pressure on ourselves to raise people impervious to pain and struggle. First, that’s impossible. Second, our kids pick up on that pressure, and that causes them anxiety and stress. Our kids are part of the most stressed out generation in history, and this easily adds to that.

It also doesn’t give kids enough space to explore the world on their own—to experience hurt, failure, heartbreak, difficulties, and challenges. All of these build resilience, empathy, and self confidence. Kids need to learn how to live in this world without us, and in order to do that, they have to step out where it’s unsafe. Intensive parenting makes that more difficult for the child.

Finally, our kids need more adults in their lives than just their parents. In his book Hurt 2.0, adolescent expert Chap Clark argues that adults need to work together to nurture kids through adolescence. Parents need the help of coaches, teachers, youth workers, police, youth employers to help kids grow stronger. Otherwise, kids can feel alone, anxious, and ill-equipped.

Sound off: Are you an intensive parent or do you know someone who is?

Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What’s one thing in your life that wish were different?”