The way parenting works is a little bonkers. Two people who have barely figured out how to take care of themselves create a whole new person. They get about nine months to prepare (actually less by the time they realize she’s pregnant), and then they are handed a needy, helpless, demanding little creature. People spend more time showing new parents how to properly install a car seat than how to teach this creature to survive. I can’t tell you how many times I wish someone had handed me an instruction book.
And yet, you figure it out. You make mistakes and you learn from them. On the one hand, that stinks because your own kids live through your bad decisions. On the other hand, as you learn, you are now able to pass on lessons for parents in your circle that you care about (this is why having older people in your life is so valuable). I had a few of those people, but not nearly enough. As I’ve reflected on my experience, here are 7 things I wish someone would’ve told me as a young parent.
1. Trust your gut.
I can’t tell you how many times I listened to the parenting book instead of trusting my gut. Whether it was letting our babies cry it out for too long at bedtime or having “the talk” in ways that just felt unnatural, far too often I did what a book or a parenting video said I should do rather than trusting my gut with what I thought was best. Would I have gotten everything right if I went with my gut? Of course not. But I didn’t get it all right when I did what the books said anyway, and many times, I felt like I was working against my better judgment to align with the “experts.”
One of the critical lessons for parents to learn is to trust your gut. Listen to others, read the books, watch the videos. But in the end, you have been entrusted to parent this child. Be willing to trust your gut once in a while.
2. Don’t take yourself so seriously.
Parenting is one of the most consequential jobs on the planet. Your actions and your words can and will have lifelong implications for your children. All of this can make it feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and it can push you to take yourself, and life, far too seriously. And yet, sometimes your mistakes will turn out to be a blessing, your anger an opportunity for reconciliation and forgiveness, and your failure will be fodder for great laughter. In short, as hard as you try, life will not go as you want it to. And that’s actually good. Because you don’t always know what’s best.
Therefore, one of the critical lessons for parents I wish someone had told me is to learn to take myself less seriously. There’s enough pressure on parents without me adding the weight of my own self-aggrandizement.
3. If you love your kids, you’re doing pretty well.
We’re only on point 3, but by now I hope you know that I’m convinced you’re going to make mistakes as a parent. You will undoubtedly get some things wrong—probably a lot of them. But here’s the thing: Your kids don’t need a perfect parent. They need a loving one. If you love your kid—and I mean the kind of love that willingly sacrifices itself for the good of another—you’re doing pretty well.
One of the most important lessons for parents is that of learning to prioritize love over right—right methods, right results. If you love your kids, I truly believe you’re doing more than just pretty well; you’re crushing it.
4. Love doesn’t always feel good.
Here’s the thing about loving your kids, though; sometimes, to quote the ’70s rock band Nazareth, love hurts. This is important to remember because loving your kids is very different from coddling them, ensuring they never experience pain, and/or trying to make life as comfortable as possible. To love your child is to do your best to help him or her grow into a healthy adult. This means boundary setting, discipline, and teaching the value of perseverance and hard work.
One of the lessons for parents I wish someone had shared with me early on is that sometimes, loving your child means doing what’s best for her even if she hates you. Because later, she may just thank you.
5. Parenting strategies change all the time.
Go back and read some of the bestselling children’s books of 20 years ago. Heck, read parenting books from 10 years ago. You’ll find that some of the strategies they were most committed to now seem antiquated and obviously misguided. The fact is, parenting strategies change. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use any. It just means that whichever strategy you choose, you need to realize that the strategy is not the goal; it’s simply a tool to help your child grow.
One of the lessons for parents I wish I’d have learned when my kids were young is that even the best parenting strategies will one day be shown to be imperfect at best. So adopt the one that fits you, but hold it loosely in love.
6. You will either parent like your parents or in opposition to them.
Maybe I should say, “If you don’t do your work, you will either parent like your parents or in opposition to them.” This may not actually be a problem. Some of us had a wonderful upbringing, and we actually want to parent our children like we were parented. But for some of us, the last thing we want to do is carry our parents’ legacy into our parenting. This is why it’s so important to spend time reflecting on what your want for your kids and how you’re going to work to provide it. If your parenting is unreflective, it is probably your parent’s parenting.
One of the lessons for parents I wish I’d have understood early on is how much our parents’ parenting affects our parenting. It’s not that I would’ve changed everything, but I certainly would’ve been more thoughtful in my choices.
7. Don’t rush bed time.
In the early years of parenting, when my kids were young, I was also working to prove myself in my career. The result was often working long hours and bringing work home and just generally feeling tired and stressed. This sometimes meant I was in a hurry to get the kids to bed so I could have time to focus or perhaps just unwind. However, bedtime with kids can be one of the most important times. Whether it’s reading a favorite book, praying together, or just cuddling, those moments provide opportunities for connection that are rare.
One of the lessons for parents I wish I’d have learned early on was how unique and special bedtime is. The work, the series you’re watching, the dishes will all be there when it’s over. But that time goes faster than you can imagine.
Sound off: What lessons do you wish someone would’ve told you when you were a young parent?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What is one thing you wish you knew how to do?”