“You left your shaving kit on the sink again,” my wife said while getting the kids ready for school. Never looking up from my laptop, I said, “Really? You leave 33 things on the sink every day.” Tonia darted out of the room to find shoes, then returned. Still staring at my laptop, as the kids rushed out and Tonia closed the door, I said, “Hey, I’ll put my shaving kit away right after you pick up your hair off the floor.”
It took me a while, but I now see I only escalated the problem. And this is just one of the mistakes husbands make in marriage. Instead of helping resolve a conflict, we make it worse. I do it all the time. Maybe you do too. Here are 3 ways husbands dig deeper graves for themselves.
1. You’re combative.
When a conflict starts, if you’re combative, you’re unhelpful. There are helpful ways to engage and unhelpful ways that result in digging your own grave. It’s not helpful when you’re focused on winning an argument instead of on trying to understand your wife. It’s more helpful to address what needs to be addressed. In a conflict, sure, strive to give grace, agree, or simply be quiet and keep it moving. But resist deciding to escalate.
2. You’re defensive.
Getting defensive is unhealthy because it shows, in my case, that I’m not listening to my wife. It shows I’d rather not improve but instead place blame. Getting definitive is not only unhealthy but also unloving. It only tells my wife I’m not willing to listen—that I’d rather be right or try to win an argument rather than be responsible. That’s not loving your wife; that’s being selfish. With the shaving-kit debacle, my choice to deflect when my wife confronted me was a defense mechanism. And it felt good to be defensive—until she heard me. The more healthy and loving action that morning would have been to admit fault and say, “You’re right. I know better. I’m the only one who uses the kit. I’ll put it away now. My bad.”
When you avoid an argument, it doesn’t go away—it grows into bigger problems.3. You’re avoidant.
When you’re seeking to avoid an argument, you can go wrong by either minimizing the issue or denying it. When you minimize, you see the problem, but you can’t see how it’s that big of a deal. When you deny an issue exists, you decide not to see the problem. Sadly, when you avoid an argument, it doesn’t go away—it grows into bigger problems. In my shaving kit case, instead of seeing that one small thing that bothered my wife and addressing it with care, I created an argument that lasted way longer than the time it takes to put away my shaving kit. If something is bothering your wife, rather than avoiding it, do the loving thing and address it early and often.
Sound off: What is a mistake you commonly make as a husband?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What do you wish I’d do to repair our connection after I’ve made a mistake?”