The basketball left my fingers in a perfect spin as the cheers from my friends and family echoed outside the cabin where we’d be staying in the mountains—SWISH! Our friend’s son, and my teammate, jumped in the air for a high-five of victory. Only my oldest daughter wasn’t smiling. She doesn’t like basketball and had been begging me to play something else the entire game. After seeing me so enthusiastic with our friend’s kids, she became angry and kicked the ball deep into the woods. I immediately punished her for it, which is a negative parenting style.
This was our first family trip in a long time, and I didn’t realize that my kids were looking forward to playing with their dad, who has been busy all year with work and school. I needlessly hurt my child instead of recognizing her needs. When we are thoughtless, we end up causing emotional harm. Here are 5 thoughtless ways you may be hurting your kids.
1. Comparing Them to Others
It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing our kids to their siblings, cousins, or friends. But every child is unique and develops at their own pace. Instead of saying, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” try celebrating your child’s strengths and abilities. Use positive framing by saying, “You have a talent for that game.”
2. Competing With Your Past
As dads, we sometimes push our kids to achieve goals we couldn’t reach ourselves. But our children aren’t here to relive our childhoods. Avoid phrases like, “When I was your age, I could…” Instead, encourage your kids to find their own interests and passions. Help them learn how to grow in those interests and get better at them instead of pushing them to fulfill the unmet desires of your past.
3. Compromising Your Integrity
It’s easy to lie to your kids about something trivial to get them to go to bed or do their chores, but we’re role models for our kids. When we compromise our values or ethics, even in small ways, it sends mixed messages about right and wrong. Stick to your principles, even tough ones, and explain your reasoning to your kids.
4. Contesting Their Feelings
How often have we told our kids to “toughen up” or “stop crying”? While we might think we’re helping them, suppressing emotions is harmful in the long run, leading to emotional barriers as they grow into adulthood. Try validating your children’s feelings and providing a safe space for them to express themselves.
5. Constraining Their Identity
It’s crucial to avoid imposing rigid expectations on our kids. Allow your kids to explore their interests, take on new hobbies, and develop their own identity freely. Avoid saying things like, “That’s not for you,” or “You won’t be interested in something like that.” Support their journey of self-discovery to allow them to find their passions.
Sound off: What other types of negative parenting can hurt our kids?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What has been one way I’ve helped you lately?”