According to the American Psychological Association, 19% of teens experience dating violence, either physically or sexually. I was speaking recently with some friends whose daughter was in an abusive relationship while in high school. Their daughter is an adult now, and they are finding out that the extent of it was much worse than they thought.
How can we protect our kids as they enter into dating relationships? One thing we need to know is how healthy their relationships are. Teens will often avoid talking about it, so we have to pay close attention. In the case of teen dating abuse, we need to look for the evidence, which can sometimes be hard to spot. Here are 7 subtle signs of teen dating abuse.
1. Isolating From Friendships
They will naturally spend a little less time with friends because they’re investing in a new relationship. However, their friends should still hold a prominent place in their lives. If you don’t hear them say anything about their friends anymore, ask them, “Have you seen your friends (NAME) and (NAME) lately? How are things going with them?” If they haven’t seen them in a while, ask why.
2. Dropping Grades
Teens in abusive relationships will change the way they normally do things to accommodate the people they’re dating. They’re also dealing with new pressures and anxiety. All of these make concentrating on their school work difficult. So, if you see a drop in grades or a departure from typical school behavior like skipping class, this is a red flag.
3. Keeping Secrets
Your teen will not want you to know about the inner workings of their relationship for a number of reasons—mainly fear. It could be fear of the person they are dating, fear of facing discipline from you, fear of feeling their own shame… They might be vague or agitated when you ask about the relationship. Of course, they may avoid conversations about their relationship whether they are experiencing abuse or not, but look to other behavior as well. Look for isolation, mood swings, changes in their personality.
4. Changing Appearance
A teen in an abusive relationship may change his or her look—clothes, haircut, makeup. This could be a strong sign the person your teen is dating is exercising control. A new outfit or shirt might be normal. After all, we are going to be influenced by the people we spend time with. But an entire change in appearance is alarming. Ask nonthreatening questions like, “New look, huh? Where did this come from?” Ask open ended questions with a curious tone. Let your teen reveal without interrogating. Try to be a safe space for your kid to open up by showing empathy and not being reactive.
5. Low Self-Esteem
We all have an inner critic, but that voice gets louder when it’s validated by someone who’s supposed to love us. So, if after entering a relationship your teen starts consistently self deprecating, becomes more sensitive to criticism, withdraws, or exhibits people-pleasing behavior. your teen might have low self esteem caused by an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend.
6. Anxiety and Fear of Upsetting Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Teens dealing with an abusive partner will often live in a state of tension. They will have constant anxiety and fear because they’re trying to please an unpleasable person. An abusive partner will apply sexual pressure, manipulate, control, play the victim, and be overly critical. If your child’s anxiety level is higher after being in a relationship, ask questions about it. Show empathy. Say, “Hey, you look like you’re stressed about something. What’s going on?”
7. Changing Behavior
Teens in abusive relationships will often change their behavior to accommodate their boyfriend/girlfriend. If your teen’s behavior changes in a significant way while in a relationship, it’s a sign of something unhealthy.
How to Help
Do what you can to be a safe place. Your relationship with your teen will make all the difference. Don’t interrogate, lose your cool, or lecture. If you do, teens will immediately shut you out. Show empathy and tenderness in your body language and tone. Remind them what a healthy relationship is supposed to be. Each person should be living out what 1 Corinthians 13 makes so clear: love, patience, trust, forgiveness, and kindness. Dating gives them an opportunity to practice these things. No one, especially teens, will be perfect in exhibiting these behaviors, but when they are consistently and thoughtlessly violated, it’s time to end the relationship.
Sound off: What are some other possible signs of teen dating abuse?
For a deeper discussion about teen dating, check out this All Pro Dad podcast episode.
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What do you think a healthy dating relationship looks like?”