As a toddler, our daughter had a seemingly unbreakable strong will. But establishing control with her was a battle my wife and I knew we couldn’t lose. Fast forward 13 years, and with some of our daughter’s choices in clothing and music, we took a more flexible approach, realizing that not every difference of hers necessitated a fight.
In parenting, not every battle is worth fighting, and not every hill is worth dying on. You must learn the importance of choosing your battles wisely. Here are 5 questions to pick your battles with your kids.
1. Am I being rational or reactive?
Many of the battles I shouldn’t have touched with a 10-foot pole were the ones that started because I reacted rather than being intentional to respond. Anger, frustration, or any fly-off-the-handle reaction is a great way to start an unnecessary battle. On the other hand, a calm and rational response could save you a ton of regret.
2. Is this a problem or just a preference?
Fighting unnecessary battles is never helpful, yet many parents do it often. We see our children loading the dishwasher, folding the clothes, or mowing the lawn in a way that we would never in a million years choose to do it. Or our children’s choices in music and style differ from ours. So our natural response is to prove to them that our way (a.k.a. our preference) is right, even though theirs isn’t necessarily wrong. Differences don’t always have to equal battles.
3. Will this fight be helpful or hurtful?
Some fights are necessary. Because difficult as they are, having them means a circumstance or relationship can improve or a disagreement can get resolved. But other fights aren’t worth having because they’d simply hurt more than help. Always choose the battles that will actually make things better, not just the ones that make you look right.
4. Is it the right time?
Sometimes, timing can make all the difference in the world. Not everything you want to say needs to be said, and not everything needs to be said as soon as you think it. Biting your tongue and waiting for the right moment to address an issue might make a big difference in how well it’s received.
5. Can I have the right tone?
The right thing said in the wrong way can do more damage than good and can have the opposite effect of the one you’re hoping for. If what you need to say will come across as frustration or condescension, you’d be better to push pause until you are in the right frame of mind to address the issue with understanding and grace.
Sound off: Which unnecessary battle are you fighting right now?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What’s the worst advice I’ve ever given you? And the best?”