If you’ve read any of my articles with All Pro Dad, it will come as no surprise to hear that my wife and I engage in a fair bit of conflict. We love each other, but we’re really different people who often don’t see eye to eye on things. However, if I’m honest, the vast majority of our conflicts come from parenting.
I love being a parent, but now that my kids are adults and we’re beginning a new era in which we’re fostering young children I think I can say with absolute confidence that parenting is hard, regardless of the stage. And parenting and marriage, together, can be really hard. In fact, we don’t often talk about it, but if we’re not careful, parenting can strain a marriage to the breaking point. Here are 5 threats parenting presents to marriage.
1. Exhaustion
Parenting is exhausting. When your kids are young, it’s physically exhausting with late night feedings, early mornings and literally carrying them everywhere. As they get older, the physical exhaustion subsides (typically) but it is often replaced with emotional exhaustion as you battle with pre-teens and teens over their desire to find their identity and your desire to protect them. All of this can leave you with little energy for relationship with your wife. In addition, the tiredness can leave you irritable and impatient.
There’s not much you can do to avoid this tiredness, but you can at least be aware of what is happening. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your marriage is to make sure your wife and you each get time to do things that energize you. Whether that’s getting time together or separately with friends, or at the gym or just taking a nap. Self-care is also caring for your marriage.
2. New Arenas for Conflict
As I mentioned in the intro, most of my conflicts with my wife revolve around the kids. We actually rarely fought prior to having kids and our most intense conflicts have been as the kids have become teens. Why is that? Well, in part, as we’ve tried to help our kids navigate all the challenges of being a teen some of the differences between my wife and I show up in what we think will best serve our kids. Add to that the concern with how our kids are doing and you can spark some strong feelings.
You need to acknowledge this and provide sufficient time to talk through how you will handle situations. Identify the key values and work to ensure you’re aligned on those. Values alignment is critical in parenting and marriage even if how you work that out has to be sorted out.
3. Losing Sight of Each Other
Whether it’s the early days of babies and infants constantly needing mom’s attention, or running kids in a dozen different directions every night for sports and clubs, it’s easy for you and your wife to become ships in the night – passing each other briefly with barely the energy necessary to acknowledge one another let alone anything else. This is amplified if one of you is a night person and tends to stay up later than the other.
A long time ago someone told me that the best thing I can do for my kids is love their mom. I’ve never forgotten that, even if I’ve not always done it well. Men, it’s critical that we work to invest in our relationship with our wives, even when kids are pulling us a million ways. Whether it’s date nights, getting a weekend away, or setting aside regular time to check in, it can be different for everyone, you have to give your marriage attention.
4. Mis-Ordering Priorities
The reason #3 happens is because of this one. When we have kids, suddenly we feel the weight of this tiny, adorable, but incredibly vulnerable person who now depends on us. All of our time, energy and money goes into building a life for this child (or multiple children). This is good and appropriate as long as you remember that you married your wife because you love her and want to build a life with her…not so she can give you children.
It’s easy to get the priorities wrong. Kids are the “squeakiest wheel” so they get the attention, but our relationship with our wife will (hopefully) be there long after the kids have grown and flown. We need to ensure we’re prioritizing our marriages even over our relationship with our children.
5. Forgetting You’re a Team
I’ll admit there are times when it’s tempting to take the side of your kids in an argument. In moments when I’ve not been mature enough to take a breath or see the bigger picture, I’ve jumped in an argument on my kid’s side in a way that has made my wife feel like the bad guy. And while it may feel good in the moment to have your kids like you, in the long run that type of behavior is a great way to whittle away trust between you and your wife (trust me).
Parenting and marriage are both about teamwork. That doesn’t mean you always agree, but it does mean you need to work as a team to support one another as you look to parent your kids. The more different you are, the more time and energy it may take to figure out how to work together well. But it’s worth it to build that sense of trust and connection through your parenting years.
Sound off: What has helped your marriage thrive as you’ve parented together?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What do you think is the biggest challenge in our marriage right now?”