My cousins went to Las Vegas a few years ago and lost everything. Don’t worry—it’s not as bad as it sounds. They all agreed to have fun on a budget. They gambled just $20 each. Spoiler alert: The cash was gone after just a few pulls of the hotel slot machine. They won a grand total of $0 but had a great vacation anyway. I was proud of them for having a plan. They avoided major risk by setting a healthy boundary.
People who set and live within healthy boundaries are happier than people who don’t. It’s a good idea to set boundaries with your family, friends, coworkers, kids, and neighbors. Just make sure they are healthy boundaries. So often, we think the boundaries we’re choosing are healthy, but in reality, they are really harmful to us and others. Not all boundaries are created equal. Here are 2 kinds of boundaries that need to be fixed.
1. Rigid
Think about a giant concrete wall. I’m picturing a looming castle or impenetrable fort. They’re great for protection, but not exactly open for connection. Rigid boundaries are a lot like this. They are walls we put up between us and others as a way of trying to protect ourselves. Guarding yourself can be good, but we can tiptoe into harmful if those rigid boundaries begin to push people away and leave us isolated.
If you determine a friend who bails on meeting up for coffee at the last minute will forever be unreliable, you’ve set up a rigid boundary. You’ve done it again if you are holding a grudge. Rigid boundaries leave you holding in your feelings, never changing your mind, cutting people off, and becoming easily defensive. Rigid boundaries prevent intimacy and close relationships. It feels healthy to the person building the boundary because it has a veneer of safety by keeping others out.
Instead, make those boundaries healthier by increasing your vulnerability, being open to discussion, and forgiving frequently. Be quick to reflect and quicker to listen.
2. Porous
If rigid boundaries are like stone-walled castles, porous boundaries are akin to chain link fences. They look much different but are similarly unhealthy if the goal is to build thriving relationships. Porous boundaries give too much access. People pleasers usually have porous boundaries. So do people who get easily overloaded, struggle with guilt, or tend to overshare.
“Me time” can help with this, but so can learning to say “no” more. Not everyone has the right to know everything about you or have access to your time. Making porous boundaries healthier involves prioritizing your family’s needs and your responsibilities and communicating openly about that.
Give your boundaries a Goldilocks feel—not too loose, but not too tight, either. As Tony Dungy says, we should put boundaries “around things we love.” We should also examine the health of our existing boundaries and give them a tune-up where needed.
Sound off: Which area of your life would benefit most from better boundaries?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What does it mean to have boundaries?”