I wish you could meet my friend Mark. He has about 10 years on me, but I want to be him when I grow up. Mark’s great for many reasons, but I think the thing that sticks out the most is that everyone else comes before him, especially when he’s with his family and friends. No, counselors, he is not codependent. Serving others is the core of his being—he has an “others first” heart and mentality.
I recently loved and laughed at a Facebook post his wife Lisa posted: “Happy birthday to my Mark—the love of my life and the lover of all our lives. He tries so hard and serves so hard and makes us laugh so hard. And on his birthday, he got a colonoscopy because he is always putting us first. God has blessed us with Mark a thousand times over.” Here are 6 ways to put your wife first that don’t involve an invasive procedure.
1. Don’t one-up her stories.
There was a recurring character on Saturday Night Live named Penelope. Penelope would be in situations where she one-upped everyone on everything. One lady said, “I just found out that my relatives came over on the May Flower.” Penelope said, “My relatives came over on the April Flower.” Most people aren’t trying to one-up their spouse’s story; their goal is to relate. But regardless of the motive, always responding to your spouse’s stories with one of your own moves focus from her to you. Instead, follow her story with questions about her story.
2. Do look her in the eye.
When your wife is sharing something with you, look her in the eye. Research shows that eye contact produces empathy in your brain for the other person. No other person deserves your attention more than your person.
3. Don’t always give your opinion.
Just because we think it doesn’t mean we always need to say it. I see this tension-producing habit happening all the time. Spouses give opinions in harsh tones about things that just don’t matter.
4. Do listen.
So many wives complain their husbands never listen to them. A wife says, “You aren’t listening to me.” Then the husband repeats everything. She then says, “I know you heard me, but you aren’t listening to me.” While this scenario can be maddening, what she is feeling is that you don’t care about what she is saying. So listen to her. Let her know you hear her. Be present and pay attention.
5. Don’t make small deals big deals.
Why do married couples make mountains out of molehills? Life is tough enough without going into a dissertation with your wife about why she misplaced, misspoke, or miss-stepped. I watch people publicly correct their spouse’s stories about things that DO NOT matter. Let it go. Don’t let things that don’t matter, matter to your marriage.
6. Do small things.
It truly isn’t the big things that matter in marriage. If it were, celebrities would have fantastic marriages. I say often that it’s the micro moves that matter most. Make her coffee, fill her car with gas, and make dinner even when it’s not your turn. Laugh at her jokes, clean up your messes, tell her she’s beautiful.
Sound off: How do you put your wife first?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “How can we ensure your mom always knows we love her?”