When my son Chapman was a baby, I would bring him on to stage as a speaking prop. Don’t judge! As I sat on a stool, I would sit him in my lap and sing one verse of “Build Me Up Buttercup” while moving his arms as if he were singing the song, ending with “Thank you, I (Chapman) will be here all weekend.” My boy brought down the house every time. The bit worked because he would smile and give perfect eye-contact to the crowd.
When my second son, Judson, was the same age. I tried the same thing with him… once. He wasn’t having it. He growled at the audience and wanted to get down. I started to learn that day what I know for sure today—every kid is different. Part of your job as a dad is to learn how to understand your child. Here are 5 ways to get to know your kids for who they really are.
1. Be amazed.
My wife was in labor with our first son for 32 hours. My role in bringing him into the world was to allow her to squeeze my hand to the point of fracture, provide ice chips, and ensure her the doctor said our son was fine. Her role was a little more involved. I will leave it at that. But I was never the same after seeing that boy for the first time. In the middle of all the chaos of being a dad, let’s never forget our children are inexplicable miracles. Now that he is all grown up, I’m amazed at his love for his siblings, his love for his students, his sense of humor, and the fact that I can still wrestle him to the ground. (Chapman, if you are reading this, bring it on… but don’t hurt me. Who am I kidding? He isn’t reading this.)
2. Be curious.
In her book I Said This, You Heard That, Kathleen Edelman does a brilliant job of simplifying inborn temperaments into four colors. Yellows speak the language of people and fun. Reds speak the language of power and control. Blues speak the language of perfection and order. Greens speak the language of calm and harmony. Understanding our kids’ different temperaments/colors was so powerful. For instance, one of our sons is a green, which means he is energized by spending time alone. When he needs time alone, it’s not that he doesn’t love us, doesn’t want to be with us, or that something is wrong. It is relieving to know that is just part of who he is. My son Judson, who understandably didn’t want to be a puppet at 18 months, is by far the calmest of our family of six. I recently asked him, “Do you feel as chilled on the inside as you appear on the outside?” In a very steady, calm voice, he said, “Yep.” Fascinating.
3. Be affirming.
One day, while driving my daughter to preschool, she said, “Oh, Daddy, look at those poor men out in the hot mowing the grass. I feel so sorry for them.” She has had an empathetic heart her entire life. I tell her often that I love that about her. That’s an easy trait to affirm, but sometimes we have to dig a little deeper. If you see your son as bossy, you may be seeing a future leader. Reframing and affirming this part of him as you help him manage how he expresses it could be life-changing for you both.
4. Be flexible.
We’ve all heard it said that you can’t parent all your kids the same. The better you understand your child, the more you know where and how to be flexible. For instance, if your child is shy, don’t force him or her into overly social situations. If your child is super social, you may have to plan additional times for him/her to be with other kids and people in general.
5. Be there.
The more we are around our kids in different settings, the better we know how they are wired. Watch how they respond in different settings. Search to understand when they seem the most content, restless, happy, sad, and afraid. What activities give them confidence, and what activities take it away? Bottom-line: When your kids know you get them, they know you love them.
Sound off: How do you let your kids know you get them?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Do you know one of my favorite things about you?”