unhealthy marriage

4 Signs of an Unhealthy Marriage

In the summer of 1985, an engineer named Roger Boisjoly noticed a flaw in the solid rocket booster that helps launch the space shuttle. The rubber O-rings that seal the joints were experiencing erosion particularly in cold weather. When the joints wear away, the booster leaks exhaust gas causing a dangerous mixture with the liquid hydrogen from the external tank. Foreseeing that the problem would result in catastrophic failure, he sent a warning memo to decision makers at both his company and NASA. That warning and several more that followed were ignored.

The morning of January 28, 1986 was crisp and cold. Unwavering, NASA continued with the launch of the space shuttle, Challenger. The first sixty seconds of the launch seemed to go according to plan. A nervous Boisjoly turned to a colleague and said that they had dodged a bullet. Fourteen seconds later, his worst fears were realized. The Challenger exploded taking the lives of seven people. In a similar way, marriages can experience eroding intimacy. These problems can seem small; however, over time, they can cause a marriage to break apart. It’s important to see the warning signs and act on them. Are you and your wife experiencing these 4 signs of an unhealthy marriage?

1. Keeping Secrets

Have you erased emails, text messages, phone logs, or website history so your wife wouldn’t see it? Has there been activity on your Facebook account you can only participate in when she isn’t around? When things are difficult, it is tempting to seek excitement in forbidden places. Keeping secrets creates division and deepens disconnection. If you aren’t connected to your wife, you are going to connect to something or someone else. Don’t deceive her. Let her in and do whatever it takes to come together.

2. Leaving Things Unsaid

Sometimes in marriage you have to choose your battles and let things go. Are you doing that too often or about critical issues? Have you kept your opinion on an important matter to yourself because you were afraid how your wife would react? Intimacy involves good communication and knowing one another. Leaving your honest opinion and perspective unsaid leads to her knowing you less. Gradually you will drift from her like a boat untied to a dock. Stop withdrawing and say it. If it unsettles things then you just need to work through it.

3. Overly Kid-Focused

Are all of your discussions about your kids and their schedules? Kids are a huge responsibility and require a lot of discussion. They will dominate your minds, make you exhausted, and need a lot of attention. There are seasons when that’s fine. However, your kids will eventually move out and when they do it will be you and your wife again. It’s easy to become strangers when all eyes are fixed on the kids. Move your eyes to her and zero in. She needs to be the first person in your life.

4. Seeking Distractions or Time Away

Is it nice to be away on a business trip? Are you staying late at work when you don’t have to or looking for other ways to delay heading home? Do you and your wife watch TV in different rooms? Do you immediately head out to the garage to work on the car after dinner? The road to separation is filled with small decisions. You can’t have intimacy in different rooms and the problem is not going to work itself out. Go home and be with her. Remove the distractions and re-engage.

Sound Off

Out of the 4 signs above, which do you think is the most common?

BJ Foster

BJ Foster is the Director of Content Creation for All Pro Dad and a married father of two.

  • AnIndependentwithabrain

    I truly enjoy getting the daily email from APD. But this is beginning to border on ridiculous. It’s not always the husbands fault. While I agree with bullet point one, I feel that it’s the other sex that creates issues with 2-4.

    It’s not leaving things unsaid when the husband finally goes silent in utter defeat after saying the same thing over and over and over again always getting the same response. It’s more like survival.

    In my case, I chose to have a lower paying job in return for having a great amount of time working home to spend with my children. I also coach my son in sports. I still want to spend time with my wife, which I seriously doubt that she does. She spends all of her free time being with, and taking care of the children. I get the leftovers, which is a big fat zero.

    Distractions are a two way street. When my wife gets away from the children, it’s iPad time for her. Rarely do we spend time alone, and that’s her choice.

    • David

      Don’t focus in on her. You be the bigger person and leader. She will follow my brother

      • Smooth Tyler

        Amen David, Be the leader, lead by example, ask God different ways to communicate with her. Maybe start by spending time with her and kids, and while she is in a peaceful mood, then bring up conversation after kids are gone. (Just an idea)

    • BJ_Foster

      Sorry to hear that. I didn’t say it all of the above was the husband’s fault. If the wife in a marriage does these then she is contributing to, or perhaps causing, the marriage to be unhealthy. Yes I agree that going silent is not leaving things unsaid because clearly you have said them and they haven’t been received. But it doesn’t sound like going silent for the sake of survival has been working for you. It sounds like you have a growing resentment which tends to lead couples to become more and more isolated. Have you tried counseling? Would she be willing? I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. I prayed for your marriage this morning and hope there is a turn around. I also commend you for sacrificing for the sake of spending time with your children. They are lucky to have a dad willing to make that decision.

  • Angie Dorothy

    He seems so perfect, but doing a lot behind you, true love and a honest man is given by grace,my husband has been doing a lot behind me which i don’t know about but thanks to H D for helping me hacking his phone for knowing all he has been doing behind me if you need someone to help you here, mail [ h/a/c/k/d/e/m/o/n/4/@/g//m/a/i//l/./c/o/m ]
    he offer lots of hacking services,
    website database hack, phone cloning hack, telegram hack,
    topping credit score, background checks and surveillance,
    access to social networks, school servers, i cloud and much more,
    vibe r chats hack, Facebook messages and,
    calls log and spy call recording, monitoring S MS text messages remotely,
    cell phone GPS location tracking, spy on Whats app Messages. tell him Dorothy refereed you ,

Subscribe to the Play of the Day for daily advice, videos and updates on how to be better dad.

Huddle up with your wife tonight and ask, “Do you see any of these signs in our marriage?”

foster and adoption
Did You Get It?
Every Man's Bible
Florida Prepaid