sexless marriage

Are You in a Sexless Marriage?

Are you in a sexless marriage? If the answer is yes, or close to it, then please don’t feel lonely. It’s an epidemic. In all the countless conversations I’ve had with other men or couples about marital troubles, without fail lack of sex is always mentioned…prominently. It’s a big deal. Why is this happening? Where did the burning passion go for each other?

Sex is the highest state of physical intimacy we can attain with another person. [Tweet This] It’s spiritual, exhilarating, joyous, and fun. In marriage, especially with young children, both partners working, and loads of responsibility, sex quite often becomes dull and possibly even a burden. That’s a problem for long term sustainability.

So, how do we make our wives still want us? How do we stir her passions to equal ours? How do we return the fun and frequency to sex? Here are four key suggestions. They require effort, sacrifice and in some cases, personal change. If you’re looking to save and enhance your marriage and protect your children from the emotional turmoil of divorce, give them a serious look.

Take Initiative

It’s time to grow up. Simple as that. Avoid any distractions taking you away from your marriage, family, and career pursuits. For example, instead of playing a video game for 2 or 3 hours, do something productive for the family. Such as, give mom a break and take the kids to the park. Fix that broken door that’s needed attention for 3 months. Take the initiative to do productive things without having to be told to do so. You’re a leader, so it’s imperative to act like one. To be a man means to sacrifice for the betterment of those he’s responsible for. Wives find that quality very attractive. If we do this, I believe that wives will respond in kind and sexless marriages will be less prominent.

Stop Looking Outside the Marriage

It’s redundant to say we are a culture saturated in sexual imagery. It’s everywhere. For men, pornography, strip clubs, and even social media, offer ample opportunity to look beyond your wife for sexual fulfillment. The consequence to that is a wedge driven right into the heart of your marriage bed. She feels the distance in your marriage widening every day. Stop giving false reality your passion, and take it back to your wife. Doing so requires personal discipline and honest desire for a healthy marital sexual relationship. The first step is to be truthful with her in your struggle with these things. She can’t help with what is hidden from her. For a more detailed look at this issue, try this resource.

Be Intentional About Date Night

A major marital mistake, especially in young couples, is not intentionally making time for each other. New babies and toddlers eat up all the time and the future too, and nothing remains for parents to stay meaningfully connected to each other except the welfare of the children. Build a babysitter network of people your wife trusts. Help her feel at ease leaving the kids behind to be with you. Utilize family like grandparents if they are around. Keep your adult sexual relationship on the front burner. Continue to woo her.

Acts that Build Passion

What’s the correlation of our interactions with our wives to sex? It’s everything. It’s a direct connection. When my wife sees me doing something physical that helps lessen her stress or improves our family, that’s exactly when her sexual attraction to me is activated. Where men are more visually stimulated, women are sexually motivated mentally. Making her laugh, lessening her stress by a thoughtful act, and earnest communication, all help relax her and open the door to intimacy. When problems arise, this is where both partners have to choose to be selfless and understand what the other requires. Communication brings understanding. Talk about these things.

Sound Off

What's been the biggest struggle in your intimate relationship with your wife?

  • Scott

    I can really relate to this! I went through a long, nearly sexless period in our marriage — nearly 3 years, and there were several times where it was 2-3 months between sex. I likened it to being in a desert with very limited water!
    That was from about year 10-13 in our marriage. One of the biggest things that saved us was persistence which took commitment. The root of our problems was hard to find & fix, but I can now say, IT WAS WORTH IT.
    We are now in year 23, and we both love having sex about once/week.

    • Single Dad

      It goes without saying that it takes two willing participants to make it work, great job Scott!

  • David Mount

    These are great suggestions that men should do their best to follow. I must add my experience and sound off to young men that are considering marriage. Make certain that your bride to be does indeed want you. Talk about the subject of sex in more depth than you are even accustom to and push the boundaries of your comfort as you do. You are committing to only have sex with this woman for the rest of your life. How often, what positions, things that turn her off, what she will allow, what you want and or need. These are things that must be understood about one another by one another. If you don’t make certain to develop this trust and understanding you may find yourself in a marriage where your libido is not in sync with your partner. Believe me this is an awful place to be in and leads to misery and discord in marriage.

  • T. henry

    Definitely can relate here. Some really good and even convicting truths and this can be tough for us men as we look in the mirror. There is a strong responsibility on us to make sure we are indeed doing our part the right way.

    We also have to be prepared for the reality that even doing the right things doesn’t guarantee that she’ll respond to us the way we want. Sometimes it’s not about what WE are or aren’t doing, and we must pay attention in our relationships and make sure we are being considerate of what she’s got going on… it’s not always about US.

    Where possible just do what you’re supposed to do. You may have to deal with other issues, but you’ll do so with clear conscience that you didn’t cause a problem.. we can’t always solve it… we just have to be patient and selfless.

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Huddle up with your wife tonight and talk about why the sex has waned in your marriage.

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