“If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but afterward remember nothing of the experience, would you do so? If not, why not?” This was one of the many questions my now-wife Tonia asked me from a book of questions when we were dating. Some questions were silly, like, “If you could pick free, unlimited service from a personal chef, housekeeper, or personal assistant, which would you prefer?” Other questions were more meaningful: “If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?”
You can imagine the conversations these questions generated. As much as asking your wife questions draws you closer together, you can also get closer to your wife by asking yourself questions. Here are 3 questions to ask yourself for a better marriage right now.
1. Do you value your wife?
We are all prone to selfishness. But the longer we’re married, the more selfish we tend to become. We easily get self-absorbed. Empty nesters will say, “We just don’t know each other anymore.” Your own interests creep in and steal your compassion for your wife. If this is you, you must quickly come back to valuing your wife over yourself. You committed to love, honor, and cherish her. Valuing her means knowing her, taking interest in her, and placing her above yourself. If you notice your wife’s value, you’ll have a better marriage right now.
2. When you fail, do you make things right?
If you could have been around me and my son over the last few months, you would’ve heard me telling him to “make it right.” At 5 years old, he gets it. You spill something, you’re not in trouble—accidents happen. But you don’t walk away from juice on the hardwood. You make it right by at least trying to dry it up.
You’re going to make mistakes as a husband. We all do. But do you make things right? Don’t be the husband who glosses over wrongdoing. Take the lead by asking for forgiveness. Be the guy who humbly confesses wrongdoing and changes his behavior moving forward. It shouldn’t take an act of congress for you to see the error of your ways.
As your friendship with your wife goes, so goes your marriage.3. Are you and your wife friends?
My wife and I have had our share of arguments. But for almost 20 years, we’ve been best friends. We share our thoughts, hopes, and dreams with each other—along with a bunch of questions. I’ve had married friends who struggle in their relationships only to find out they treat coworkers more like friends than they treat their spouses. If you can share your feelings with your coworker more than with your wife, something’s off.
Your bond with your wife should be the most important thing in this world. She is the person you should share everything with. As your friendship with your wife goes, so goes your marriage. If your friendship is close, you’ll have a better marriage. If your friendships are primarily outside of marriage, you’ll struggle. Guard that sacred bond of marriage like no other.
Sound off: What’s one question you would add to these three?
Huddle up with your wife and ask, “What’s one way I can improve as your husband?”