My son is little and still in that “girls have cooties” phase of childhood. I love that. There is no need to rush what will naturally occur. But, I know childlike curiosity about girls is around the corner. I know a new phase will eventually be at our doorstep, the one that includes flirting and attraction and dating questions. I know the longer that phase lasts, the more temptation tags along with it. With or without guidance, it’s very easy for kids to slip into a dangerous trap from there. I pray my son doesn’t get trapped by pornography like so many young men do. But if he does wind up in its clutches, I’m preparing myself to handle it.
Common Sense Media conducted a study in 2022 of over 1,300 kids ages 13–17 and found that 73% had seen pornography. A whopping 54% said they’d seen it before turning 13, and the average age of their first porn experience, either accidental or on purpose, was 12. The scariest stat to me was how only 43% of teens in the study had spoken with a trusted adult about pornography versus 57% who had not. Porn is dangerous for anyone, but it’s especially damaging to young people who are still forming their ideas about what sex is all about. Porn absolutely shapes their thinking about relationships and sexual behavior. If you have a child caught watching porn who has tiptoed too far and is now stuck in the quicksand that is pornography, you need to speak up. You don’t need to punish your kid, but you do need to support him or her. Here are 3 ways to fight porn besides punishment.
1. Don’t punish, teach.
Nobody really sat me down as a kid and told me not to watch porn. I am thankful for that still, small voice in my soul that kept telling me it was wrong and to stay far away. But I wish someone had taught me the purpose of sex, the boundaries we should set around relationships, and the dangers of watching porn. Inappropriate images really are the first step on the slipperiest of slopes. If you have a child caught watching porn or something that could lead to it, do not ignore it. Educate him. Do some research and share it. Don’t assume your kid will gradually work his way out of it.
If you have a child caught watching porn or something that could lead to it, do not ignore it.2. Don’t punish, protect.
If my son went camping alone in the woods for a month, I’d spend the days leading up to the trip trying to teach him how to avoid dangers like bears, wolves, and snakes. It would be my way of protecting him. Dad, take the same approach to porn. Protect your kids by asking straightforward questions. The Common Sense Media study did uncover something positive. Of the teens who had viewed porn and talked with a trusted adult about it, 51% said that conversation encouraged them to learn about sexuality in healthy ways. Awkward or not, have the conversation, Dad, and have it more than once. Protect kids by not leaving them to fend for themselves. One way to protect them is to set up passwords and parental controls on all the electronic devices in your home. And only allow your kids to use technology in shared spaces, like a living room, and never alone in places like their bedrooms. These safeguards will protect them.
3. Don’t punish, share.
If I went for a walk in a park and ran into some poison ivy, the loving thing to do upon returning home is tell my neighbor to avoid that walking trail. I think helping someone avoid the pain you’ve experienced is your moral obligation. If you have dealt with porn, tell your kids how it affected your brain and habits. If you have not battled with porn, it’s highly likely a friend of yours has. Be vulnerable enough to ask for his help teaching your kids about the dangers. Be willing to share for the good of someone else. Sharing our experiences will let kids know they are not alone, are supported, and are capable of winning the battle.
Sound off: Who in your life needs to be counseled, not punished, over porn?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What do you think you need to do to make a positive, lasting impact?”