5 Questions to Ask Your Kids About Porn

I walked into my son’s bedroom swiftly the other night to try to scare him. As I jumped through the door, he jumped up quickly with his iPad in his hand, and he slowly turned it off and placed it face down on his bed. He was acting a little odd, so I asked, “What are you watching?” He said, “Nothing,” but seemed nervous that I was prying.

Sometimes we catch our kids red-handed with porn and a conversation must follow immediately. However, most of the time, we need to be creative in talking to our kids about these things. That day, my son wasn’t looking at anything bad—he was watching his younger siblings’ cartoons and was embarrassed that he likes a kids’ show. When talking to your kids about porn, asking good questions may be your key to unlocking a meaningful conversation. Here are 5 questions to start a conversation about porn with your kids.

1. What are your friends saying about porn?

This one may seem easy, but it can be difficult because it’s so direct. If your kids are loyal to their friends, they will feel like they are ratting on them if they say something. Ensure your kids that you are not seeking to get their friends in trouble; you are just curious about conversations happening among their peers. When you ask this question, make sure it’s connected to an ongoing conversation about their friends. Just throwing this in randomly will be awkward, and your kids will think you are up to something.

2. What are your friends watching on YouTube?

This one is more indirect. YouTube tries its best to monitor pornography that is being uploaded, however, a lot of sex-centered audiobooks and podcasts seem to be untouched. I asked my son a few weeks ago, and he mentioned a popular gamer who seemed innocent at first. But as I dug more, I found out that the gamer was a porn star himself and talked about his adult content during live streams. YouTube has some really great content, but it can also be used in some very harmful ways if we are not monitoring it for our kids. This opens the door for a conversation about what’s OK to watch and what isn’t.

3. How would the world change if the internet suddenly disappeared?

This one is abstract and will get you and your kids thinking. The conversation will be all over the place. You may look at the economic impact, how we communicate, and what technological devices we may or may not have. The key to getting your kids talking about porn through this question is guiding them to see how pornography is so intertwined with the internet. We don’t use this to scare our kids, but we must discuss these things through meaningful conversation.

4. What if everything you watched, clicked, or scrolled through online were public for all to see?

Now we are going straight to the heart. My hope is that my kids will not lie to me and they will tell me the truth, but porn brings so much guilt and shame. On my kids’ best day, I want them to come to me, and on their worst day, I want them to come to me. If you plan to ask this one, make sure you don’t shame them, and remind them of how much you care and love them no matter what.

5. What do you think is the biggest struggle kids are facing in your grade?

I’ve asked this question for a few years with all three of my kids. They have never answered it the same twice. For my fifth grader, pornography and foul language are the biggest struggles for his grade right now. My son talks openly about the words his friends use and the subjects of their conversations. We must be prepared not to judge them or belittle their struggles but show empathy and grace. If your knee-jerk reaction is negative, then they most likely will not talk to you about it again.

Sound off: What questions would you ask to get your kids talking about porn?