There are times when life gets challenging professionally and personally. Maybe you aren’t loving or have lost your job. Maybe you have health issues that are impacting all parts of your life. Maybe you’ve lost a parent, and it still hurts. When life gets tough, we don’t always know what to do with all the painful emotions. We just want to get rid of them. Sometimes we take these painful emotions out on others.
The easy target? Your wife. The comfort and familiarity with our wives can make us feel like we can let our guards down and our frustrations out. But taking out our pain on our wives is not fair, is not OK, and is not good for our marriage or our kids. But we can choose a better way. Here are 5 ways to love your wife when you don’t love your life.
1. Pause before you react.
When life is tough, we typically still control our emotions at work, with friends, and even with strangers. That’s good news. That shows us that we can also choose the same response with our wives. Before reacting poorly, storming off, lashing out, or going silent, take a breath and remember that she is your person. Your wife deserves the best of you, not what is left of you.
2. Focus on her.
The honest reality is that pain can make us selfish. So take a break from yourself. Focus on her, ask her how she is doing, do something special for her, and make her laugh. See her, really look at her. Sit in the gratitude that you aren’t going through this tough time alone.
3. Take a vacation from your worries.
There was a time when my job was making me miserable. I spent almost every waking hour thinking about it. I’m a fixer, and I wanted to fix a broken situation. In the middle of this time, I remembered to take my own advice and take a vacation from worrying. I’m not necessarily talking about a literal vacation; I’m talking about taking a weekend, a day, or just a meal to not try to figure it all out. Give yourself and your wife some space to laugh, to breathe. You, your wife, and the situation will be better for it.
4. Take care of yourself.
While there are so many things out of your control, how you take care of yourself isn’t one of them. Make the time to feed your soul, take care of your body, and have some fun. Momentary breaks of release and control will help you make better decisions in the long run. Your stressed body and brain will feel and work better when you fill them with the chemicals that come from doing something good for yourself. In fact, right now, pause and take 5 deep breaths. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 1 second, breathe out for 4. Drink a dumb amount of water—think “teenage girl with a 5-gallon bucket with a handle” amount of water. When you feel better, you think better. You are worth it.
5. Remember who’s important.
If you are in the middle of a tough season, take a walk, take a breath, and then say out loud or write down who in your life is important and why. It’s as cliché and crucial as it sounds. Walk into your kids’ rooms when they are sleeping. Look at your wife in the face when she is sharing about something that has nothing to do with your problems. Smile at her, tell her you don’t know how you could do it without her. Leverage this tough time not to hurt her more but to love her better. While we often can’t control or change tough situations, we can choose to remember who’s important. It’s hard to oversell the power of perspective.
Sound off: How do you love your wife when you don’t love your life?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “How can you love well even when you don’t feel well?”