When our kids were young, we used to love reading them the book Zagazoo by Quentin Blake. The book creatively illustrates the different stages of childhood through a baby transforming into one creature after another. For example, the first stage the baby morphs into is that of a screaming vulture. Which, if you’ve had a toddler, is an apt description. But my favorite is the shift to the teen years. At one point, the creature transforms from a “bad tempered fire-breathing dragon” to “a strange hairy creature.” This creature said nothing but just got bigger, hairier, and stranger.
This is a hilarious and strikingly accurate illustration of the transition from tween to teenager. Each new stage brings with it things that are both wonderful and terrifying. But it’s always an opportunity for a shift in your parenting style. Depending on your personality, these may be dreaded shifts or welcomed ones, but one way or another, they arrive. Here are 5 parenting shifts when your kids become teens.
1. Take a step back.
When your kids are young, they want to be where you are, following you from room to room. Watching the game with you. Pretending to work alongside you. They need and crave your undivided attention whenever you can give it. As teens, though, while they still need your attention, it becomes much more complicated. They’ll likely want to spend more time in their room or with their friends than with you. Developmentally, they’re trying to define themselves apart from you. This is a good thing, but it can be hard on parents used to being their kid’s superhero. Still, it’s important for you to honor their need for space, while still being involved. This doesn’t mean you can’t hug or kiss your kids anymore. You just might need to be more thoughtful about when and where you do it.
2. Do with not for.
When your kids are young, they need you to do a lot for them, whether it’s helping them with their homework, making their food, or taking them to the store. As they get older, they will become increasingly independent. While this is really good, it can leave a parent feeling a little lost when parenting teens. However, this is a great opportunity to invite your teen to do things with you. He still needs (and wants) time with you, it’s just going to look different. So think creatively about how you can invite him to do things alongside you. Of course this applies to fun things, like going to the game together, but it also applies to things he won’t love, like doing yard work together or working on a house project. However, these experiences can be formative for him and typically, once you get over the initial protest, they can even be enjoyable.
3. Teamwork makes the dream work.
Because your teen will be looking to define himself separately from you, you’re going to need to shift your mentality from you and your wife being the primary influences to creating a network of people whose influence on your teen is positive. This looks like building relationships with teachers, coaches, youth leaders, and parents of friends. And, of course, that means he needs to be involved in activities that put him in proximity with mature adults you want investing in him. Obviously, you can’t control all the adults in your teen’s life, but by building relationships with other adults who are investing in him, you can influence the influencers. Parenting teens is best when it’s a team effort.
4. Canoe the mountains.
Tod Bolsinger wrote a book titled Canoeing the Mountains. In it he tells the story of how Lewis and Clark initially studied experts on the American West and planned to canoe to the Pacific Ocean. This worked out great until they hit the Rocky Mountains. Suddenly, they realized everything they thought was wrong, and they had to adapt their strategy. I think this is a great illustration of parenting teens today. Not only does your teen become a different person who is challenging to parent, but the culture is changing so rapidly that it’s virtually impossible to know what’s coming (AI anyone?). You will need to be willing to adapt, to learn, and to grow yourself. A parent who is unwilling to learn and adapt will likely find himself frustrated and angry a lot.
5. Get comfortable being wrong.
Precisely because of the previous point, you’re going to get a lot wrong. You might say yes to something you wish after the fact you’d have said “no” to. You will probably lose your cool when you shouldn’t. You definitely won’t know how to do the new math. Whatever it is, take a deep breath and remind yourself that no one gets a handbook for this. Own up to it, ask for forgiveness when necessary and have lots of grace for yourself. If for no other reason, that teen who wants his distance is still watching you. And if what he learns from you is that mistakes are shameful and only weak people make them, then he may very well grow up fighting that same lie. Show yourself the kind of grace you hope your teen one day shows himself, because that’s a pretty likely outcome.
Sound off: What other shifts happen when your kids become teens?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What does it mean to extend grace to someone?”