Pornography is a powerful threat to our sons. It skews their view of sex, love, women, and relationships. When we were younger, graphic sexual images were not as easy to come by as they are today. A magazine belonging to friend’s dad or a movie on late-night cable TV was our most common exposure. Even in those seemingly more innocent days, there were things I saw at a friend’s house at an early age that were confusing. Quite frankly, they were damaging. It felt wrong but, fearing I’d get in trouble, I never told my dad what I had seen. I wish I had. With a palpable feeling of guilt, I was left on my own to try to figure it out. My dad didn’t have porn in our house; so naturally, he assumed I hadn’t been exposed to it. Things are so different now. Having the internet on so many devices inside and outside the house means the barbarians are perpetually at the gate.
We can be more vigilant and protective about what our kids see. However, we can sadly assume that our sons will be exposed to it at some point. Maybe the silver lining in that assumption is that they will not be left alone in processing it. The best way to fight it is to prepare them for pornography—expose the ugly reality of it and tell them about its many dangers. It may be difficult, but here are 3 points for how to talk to your son about pornography.
1. It’s a momentary thrill that leads to dissatisfaction, emptiness, and addiction.
An explicit image is stimulating and causes a scientifically proven chemical release in the brain. That is why we are drawn to it like the ring in Lord of the Rings. However, when the viewing is over, we are left empty, unsatisfied, and full of guilt. Our conscience is telling us that something wrong has taken place. Sex is not wrong. Sex outside of the right context is wrong or, at the very least, not what it was made to be. The quickest way to deal with those feelings is to try to get another thrill, but, when we return to porn, it gives a diminishing return of enjoyment. In the end, we need more to experience less, resulting in addiction and chains. In other words, it is a road to a prison cell. Don’t be enticed down this road; choose the path that is life-giving.
2. It puts you in an isolated fantasy instead of into a connected reality.
A full life is found in relationships and shared experiences. Those things are built in reality, not fantasy. Porn is about entering a fantasy world. The more time we spend in that world, the more we become isolated. In essence, our soul becomes intertwined with something that isn’t real. There’s no connection, just loneliness exacerbated by guilt. When we fill our lives with nothing, we are left with nothing. Porn doesn’t provide anything; it takes everything. Strong men of character are are firmly rooted in reality and relationships. Live in the real world.
3. It’s an example of diminished, one-dimensional sex.
One of the biggest and most dangerous of all lies is that porn stars know how to have the best sex. Great sex is experienced when two people know one another in emotional and physical intimacy. True intimacy and knowledge of one another comes in commitment. When women know we are committed, we create an environment where they feel safe to share their whole self with us. It’s a multidimensional connection, like a high wattage of electricity. Porn turns sex into mere physical acts. It is one-dimensional sex and will always fall short of what it could be. In fact, it even falls short physically.
We are all uniquely made. Personalities and bodies respond differently. Sex for a committed couple that continues to grow closer in love and knowledge of one another will continually get more passionate. It’s like becoming an expert at playing an instrument. The best sex is between a committed couple of people who have learned well how each other desires to be loved. Glorified actors who are actually deeply degraded and hurting will never be able to come close to sex that good.
Sound off: At what age do you think it’s appropriate to talk to a son about pornography?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Is there anything you’ve ever seen that was confusing that you would like me to explain?”