In Christian tradition, there are seven deadly sins. These are lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride. The idea is not that these are the only things that can trip us up but most things that trip us up are traced back to these things.
Similarly, there are lots of things that can trip us up in our marriages. But in my years of walking with individuals whose relationships were struggling, there are a few common mistakes in marriage that kept popping up. From where I stand, these are the 7 deadly sins of marriage.
1. Refusing to Change
It’s rare that the person you marry is the person you find yourself married to 10 or 15 years later. However, all of us carry things that are difficult to change, and sometimes, these things can cause significant friction in our marriages. Maybe you’re a people pleaser or you have a short fuse and lose your temper quickly. Perhaps you can’t turn off work or you spend your money wastefully. Whatever it is, we often easily overlook these things in the early years when you’re young and in love. But as the years go by, if you and your wife don’t address them, they can create growing chasms between you.
2. Assuming the Worst
Few things make it as difficult to work through disagreements as to constantly assume the worst in your wife. If you tell yourself the story that she doesn’t respect you or she is selfish or whatever the case may be, whatever she says will be interpreted through that lens. It’s possible these things are true, and, if they are, that’s certainly something that needs to be addressed. But it’s also true that many times we project our insecurities onto our wives. Our fear of being disrespected or taken advantage of casts a shadow of doubt on every interaction. This can wreak havoc on a relationship, and quickly. Of all the common mistakes in marriage, this can be the most insidious and subtle.
3. Blaming
When I was a pastor and counseled people who were experiencing difficulty in their marriages, it was common for one of the spouses to come to me alone to ask for help. I would always tell them early on that I know there’s another side to the story. This was always a little awkward as it can feel like I’m saying “I don’t believe you.” But I felt it was necessary to create the understanding that in very few cases (though there are some) is a marriage on the rocks because of the actions of only one person. Both people have contributed to getting the marriage where it is. However, if we constantly point the finger, we will never get down to the work of owning our role in it.
4. Shutting Down
Some of us don’t do well with conflict. But there’s a common and particularly counterproductive move that can make it impossible for your marriage to move forward. It’s shutting down. To shut down is to simply refuse to engage. You may shut down because your feelings are hurt or you are completely incapable of doing conflict. But whatever the reason, shutting down ends the conversation. Your wife might keep talking, but you’ve finished listening. What’s more, it can create a vicious cycle in which your wife gets increasingly animated to try to get you to engage, but instead, you move farther away.
5. Fantasizing
When we think about fantasizing as husbands, we immediately think of sexual fantasies. But it’s much more than that. It could be fantasizing that you have a wife who enjoys doing things you wish your wife would enjoy or who responds to you like you wish your wife would. But fantasy is destructive because it causes us to escape from reality rather than to engage with it. Choosing to fantasize prevents you from dealing with your relationship as it actually is and from being grateful for your wife as she actually is. Just because she isn’t everything you imagined in a wife doesn’t mean she isn’t a gift. After all, the person you imagined probably doesn’t exist.
6. Keeping Your Money Separate
Jesus once said, “Where your treasure is, your heart is.” Money is one of the biggest areas of marital conflict because it’s tied so strongly to what we most care about. But that’s precisely why you shouldn’t keep your money separate. To separate your finances is to say your wife has no right to speak into the things you care deeply about, and you can’t speak to what she cares about. Sure, you might argue less, but you’ll also likely find that you have a marriage in which it’s normal to keep things from each other, either physically or otherwise. And it’s difficult for your wife to have your heart when you hold her at arms length from things that also have your heart.
7. Keeping Track of Offenses
We’re all tempted to pile up the ways in which our wives have annoyed or hurt or angered us so that, at just the right time, we can bring it up as a slam-dunk to win an argument. Of course you might win the argument, but you will certainly lose your wife’s trust. Keeping track of offenses communicates that you are unable to truly forgive. Which means there isn’t grace for mistakes. This erodes trust and creates an ever-present anxiety in the marriage relationship. It also makes it nearly impossible for your wife to forgive you when you mess up (which you most certainly will). As author Lewis Smedes says, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.”
Sound off: What other common mistakes in marriage have you noticed?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What do you think it means to keep score in a relationship? Why might that be a bad idea?”