setting-up-boundaries

5 Signs You Need to Change Your Boundaries With Your Kids

Several years ago, a friend’s son’s favorite game to play was Fortnite, a shooter game. One of the draws of this game is the ability to purchase added features like the overall look of your character, tools, dance moves, and many other possibilities. I asked my friend if he was nervous about his son’s access to purchasing things on his debit card. He assured me that he and his son made a deal that he would ask permission before purchasing anything. However, as he reconciled his checking account one month, he noticed a number of unauthorized purchases that stretched several weeks back. Unfortunately for my friend, his son’s unauthorized purchases totaled around $2,000.

My friend realized he needed to change the boundaries around gaming. His son lost the ability to play Fortnite and his Xbox got locked away for months. Boundaries keep our kids safe, but they aren’t meant to be stationary. They need to be refined, adjusted, or all together removed in order to be effective. Failing to do so can cause unnecessary pain, resentment, and distance with our kids. Sometimes it can be difficult to know when to make the adjustments. Here are 5 signs you need to change your boundaries with your kids.

1. They’ve moved into a new phase.

As kids get older, they need to be given more freedom to test and explore. Without more freedom, they won’t gain self-confidence or learn responsibility or how and when to take risks. This can be difficult for parents because it means watching your child struggle and make mistakes. No one wants to watch their kids experience pain, but they have to if they are ever going to stand on their own.

2. They’ve earned your trust or lost it.

If your kids have shown continually that they are trustworthy, it may be time to give them more freedom. Jesus said in Luke 12:48, “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” Giving kids more freedom means asking more of them. When they’ve earned our trust, we need to give them the opportunity to earn more by holding more responsibility for themselves. And when they fail, there’s grace, but there may be a need to pull those freedoms back.

3. They give constant pushback.

Kids are going to push back on boundaries. It’s natural. However, if you are facing constant pushback about one particular boundary, it might be time to rethink it. Have an open mind and evaluate it as clearly as possible. What is the boundary supposed to accomplish? Is it doing that? What changes might work better? Doubling down on the wrong parameters for your child can lead to the next point.

4. Your relationship is suffering.

Is your relationship with your kid suffering because of a certain boundary? Is it worth it to continue? The best way to influence your kids is to build a good relationship with them. When we lose that, we lose the voice in their lives. Now, there’s going to be time when our boundaries are going to make them upset, but there’s a difference between being momentarily frustrated and the relationship suffering. If your relationship is struggling, talk to your kid openly about the boundary. Listen to what your child says. Affirming your kids’ frustrations can go a long way. Then ask them what they would do if they were in your shoes.

5. They rebel.

There are two ways you can go when your kids are rebelling. One, you can tighten the screws. It makes sense. They had freedom, they violated it, and therefore the freedom is taken away or reduced with more boundaries. That’s where I would start, while keeping the last point in mind. But if the rebelling continues, you may need to make a difficult decision. You may need to remove the boundaries and let your child face the full consequences of his or her decisions. The stakes are high, so seek out the wisdom of friends and perhaps professionals who are aware of your situation and know your child.

Sound off: What is your biggest struggle with setting up boundaries or adjusting them?

Huddle up with your kids and ask, “If you were the parent, what rules would you set for your kids?”