I typically get a sinus infection once a year. At some point I start to get congested. My ears feel full. I get headaches. When these symptoms begin to pop up, I know a sinus infection is coming. Last time, I simply stopped by urgent care and told the doctor, “Yeah I’ve got a sinus infection. I just need antibiotics.” He grunted, examined me for 90 seconds, and responded, “You’re right. I’ll write you a script.” Now, in the same way, I can begin to tell when something isn’t quite right in my relationship with my wife. There are signs your marriage is in trouble.
You might call them symptoms. They point to something deeper that’s going on. While one of these might be easy enough to deal with, much like physical sickness, the longer you wait, the more symptoms can develop, and the more serious things can get. Like physical symptoms, they are signs that you need to act, whether that means self-reflection and prayer, having difficult conversations with your wife, seeing a therapist, or some combination of all of these, the key is to address it sooner rather than later. Here are 7 symptoms of a sickly marriage.
1. Seriousness
One of the marks of a healthy relationship is a sense of playfulness. Playfulness exists when you feel safe with each other and you genuinely enjoy each other. However, one of the signs your marriage is in trouble is that there’s a seriousness marking the relationship. No joking or teasing and little laughing or playing together. The fun has gone out of the marriage and you find you’re more like coworkers than friends or lovers.
2. Separation
It’s certainly appropriate to have things you do separately from each other. You might have a favorite hobby you enjoy or movies you enjoy that she doesn’t care for, etc. However, one of the signs your marriage is in trouble is if separation becomes the norm. Perhaps you separate your finances or you sleep in different rooms. These actions have a way of shaping you, moving you further and further away from one another.
3. Bitterness
We all do or say things that hurt one another. That’s part of being in a relationship with another person. In a healthy marriage, we address those things, and ask for and offer forgiveness. But one of the signs your marriage is in trouble is when you simply ruminate on those things and allow the seeds of bitterness to take root. This eventually leads to resentment and, if not dealt with, can become contempt.
4. Suspicion
A certain amount of trust is implied in being married to someone. One of the signs your marriage is in trouble is when one spouse has a growing suspicion about what the other spouse is saying or doing. Trust is an essential part of a healthy relationship. If trust is eroding, that’s a giant red flag (and so is doing anything that breaches or betrays a spouse’s trust).
5. Secrets
One of the signs your marriage is in trouble is when you notice yourself keeping secrets from each other. The way you establish and grow trust is to ensure that there are no secrets. If you’re doing anything that you feel uncomfortable telling your wife, then you shouldn’t be doing it. If you think it shouldn’t bother her, then that’s a conversation to be had, not a secret to be kept.
6. Apathy
Good health doesn’t happen by accident. It takes work. But when you’re apathetic, you just don’t have any desire to put the work in. You know things are off, but you just don’t care. One of the signs your marriage is in trouble is when you discover you are no longer emotionally engaged with your wife in any way.
7. Contempt
Perhaps the biggest, boldest red flag in a relationship is a feeling of contempt. Contempt is built on unaddressed bitterness and resentment. It’s feeling superior to your spouse and treating your spouse with hostility. If you have contempt for your wife, that’s a big sign your marriage has been in trouble for quite some time. But just because a marriage is in trouble doesn’t mean it’s doomed. The value in pointing out “red flags” is to identify critical issues that, when addressed, can be corrected and healed.
Sound off: What other signs might signal your marriage is in trouble?
For a deeper discussion about this subject, check out this All Pro Dad podcast episode:
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are some good ways to earn a person’s trust?”