Bill’s dad wouldn’t stop bringing it up. Every time they were together, his dad complained about the latest trivial thing his brother had done wrong. He was 35 years old and had been pulled into their feud for over a decade. His brother and his dad each wanted Bill on their side and wanted him to put pressure on the other to change. But Bill was tired of it. Finally, he told each of them he wouldn’t discuss the subject anymore. But when his dad brought it up again anyway, breaching Bill’s boundary, Bill got up and walked away. That’s when his dad yelled, “Go ahead. Run away! I knew you were weak.”
Dealing with manipulative parents can be traumatizing, especially since you have probably spent years enduring it. That’s why knowing how to deal with manipulative parents is so important. If you are in this situation, there are ways to respond that will help you protect yourself and get to a healthy place. Here are 5 ways to deal with manipulative parents.
1. Identify what’s driving them.
Manipulative people typically want control and power. But the reason they “need” it is because they feel a lack of both. They tend to lack self-confidence, identity, and healthy ways to cope with anxiety. Learning more about their childhood will probably open your eyes to how their manipulative habits developed.
2. Recognize and label the dysfunction.
If you’ve grown up in dysfunction, it can be difficult to identify. Sometimes you need the help of professionals who can spot it and educate you on it. Over time, it will become easier to see. And when you are able to see it, you can label it. I’m not talking about calling it out yet. This is just for you to see your parent’s manipulation for what it is. I have mixed feelings about life coaches, but as I was researching this, I came across some great insight from Stephanie Lyn Coaching. She said manipulators tend to use guilt, fear, or shame. What is being used on you? Recognize the tactic, label it, and see the lies. It will help you have the right perspective.
3. Set clear boundaries and hold them.
Manipulative parents are comfortable with the status quo and will fight for it. Setting boundaries changes the dynamic of your relationship, but it doesn’t change your parents. So when you set boundaries, they are going to work hard to revert things back to what they were. Remaining firm and consistent with your boundaries is a way for you to be empowered. For example, if you communicate that you will no longer discuss a particular subject, expect them to dive into that subject again, perhaps even more. When they do, remind them that you will no longer discuss it. If they persist, you have the right to walk away, and they’ll probably attempt to make you feel guilty or less than for doing so—which is an effort to manipulate you into breaking the boundary you set. Continue to walk out.
4. Call them out on unhealthy behavior.
I believe in this to a point, mainly because this can be empowering for you. It may be a part of your own identifying and labeling process. So, it can be a good exercise. It may help here and there, but ultimately I wouldn’t put your hope in this. Again, you can’t change them.
5. Practice emotional separation.
You are under emotional attack. They may not realize they’re doing it, but it’s what’s happening. Your emotions are being played with, and you need to work on disconnecting your emotions from the perpetrator. In this case, your parent(s). Anticipate the attack. When talking to manipulative parents, if you start to feel fear, guilt, or shame, stop at that moment and take a breath. Analyze your feelings and how they are being manipulated. Focus on what you should be feeling instead of what you are being made to feel. Try praying. As 2 Thessalonians 3:16 says, “Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way.”
Sound off: Do you know how to deal with manipulative parents? What are some other ways?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Has anyone ever pressured you to do something you didn’t want to do?”