Has your wife ever made you angry? I don’t mean just annoyed you—I mean has she ever really ticked you off? I remember one time, my wife and I were arguing, and I found myself in the garage yelling at the top of my lungs at her. I’d never acted that way before and, to be honest, I was even taken aback by how angry I got.
Anger serves as a screaming (literally, in my case) siren alerting us to something going on that desperately needs our attention. The temptation is to assume it’s all about your spouse’s actions. But in reality, no one can make you angry. You have to allow it to happen. This means when you find yourself getting riled up, it might be time to do a little digging. Here are 3 questions to consider when she makes your blood boil.
1. Why does this make me so angry?
This question is so important. I believe the first time I encountered it was when I was sharing with my counselor about how I yelled at my wife. He gently asked, “So why did that make you so angry?” I didn’t know how to respond. I had simply assumed that my anger was warranted, that, in reality, my wife was the one with the problem. But that question held the mirror up to me. My counselor was kindly pointing out that there are a variety of ways I could’ve chosen to respond. Anger was not a given. As it turns out, in this particular situation, I felt out of control and afraid. But admitting that felt too vulnerable, so I “protected” myself with anger.
If you find yourself thinking “my wife makes me angry,” then I’d encourage you to pause and ask yourself, “And why exactly is that the case?” You might be surprised by how little it actually has to do with her.
2. What if I wait to respond?
To ask yourself a question requires a moment or more of reflection. Anger always feels urgent. We have to address the offense immediately to protect ourselves. However, time is your friend when you are angry. A great question to ask yourself is, “What if I wait to respond?” What is the downside to hitting pause? Is there something your wife said or did that you’re tempted to react to? What if you didn’t, at least not immediately? You might be surprised how getting a little space from the moment provides some perspective and could allow you to calm down to the point that you might be able to respond more constructively.
If you find yourself thinking “my wife makes me angry,” then I’d encourage you to ask yourself this question: “What if I waited?” Those few moments you give yourself might save you from saying something you’ll regret for a lifetime.
3. What is my role in this?
Rarely does one person bear the entirety of the blame for any situation. Even when your wife is in the wrong, it’s likely that you play some role in the situation as it stands. Beginning with how you yourself can take responsibility is a much more profitable way to begin than to simply point fingers and cast blame. If you change your attitude or actions, you could create the environment in which your wife is motivated to change. That doesn’t mean you don’t address what she is doing, but you begin with your role before you move to hers.
Next time you find yourself thinking “my wife makes me angry,” stop and ask yourself what role you play in the current situation and how you may need to change yourself first.
Sound off: What other questions might be critical to ask yourself when your wife makes you angry?
